BT A
^^^1 Manual of Etiquette
"WITH HINTS
ON
Politeness and Good Bkeedino
BY
"DAISY EYEBEIGHT."
"There's nothing in the world lil5:e etiquette.
In kingly chambers or imperial halls,
As also at the race and county balls."
Btbon.
%6'
PHILADELPHIA:
DAVID McKAY, PUBLISHER,
610 SOUTH WASHINGTON SQUARE.
PREFACE
Men often speak of good manners as an accom-
plishment. I speak of them as a duty. What,
then, are good manners ? Such manners as the
usages of society have recognized as being agreeable
to men. Such manners as take away rudeness,
and remit to the brute creation all coarseness.
There are a great many who feel that good man-
ners are effeminate. They have a feeling that rude
bluntness is a great deal more manly than good
manners. It is a great deal more beastly. But
when men are crowded in communities, the art of
livmg together is no small art. How to diminish
friction ; how to promote ease of intercourse ; how
to make every part of a man's life contribute to the
welfare and satisfaction of those around him ; how
to keep down offensive pride; how to banish the
raspings of selfishness from the intercourse of men ;
how to move among men inspired by various and
4 PRKFAOB.
conflictive motives, and yet not have collisions — this
is the function of good manners.
Not only is the violation of good manners inex-
cusable on ordinary grounds, but it is sinful.
When, therefore, parents and guardians and teachers
would inspire the young with a desire for the man-
ners of good society, it is not to be thought that
they are accomplishments which may be accepted or
rejected. Every man is bound to observe the laws
of politeness. It is the expression of good-will and
kindness. It promotes both beauty in the man who
possesses it, and happiness in those who are about
him. It is a religious duty, and should be a part of
religious training.
There is a great deal of contempt expressed for
what is called etiquette in society. Now and then
there are elements of etiquette which perhaps might
well be ridiculed; but in the main there is a just
reason for all those customs which come under the
head of etiquette. There is a reason which has re-
gard to facility of intercourse. There is a reason in
the avoidance of offense. There is a reason in com-
fort and happiness. And no man can afford to vio-
late these unwritten customs of etiquette whc
wishes to act as a Christian gentleman.
CONTENTS.
INTRODUCTION.
PAttl
The Nattjee and Purpose of the Book 1
CHAPTER L
etiquette in the home cmcLB.
Special Advice to Boys and Girls 19
CHAPTER n
reception and entertainment op visitors, — duties of
guests.
Visits of Ceremony 26
Visits of Friendship 30
Visits of Congratulation 30
Visits of Condolence , 31
Social Visits 81
CHAPTER m.
8ALUTATI0NS,--LEAVE-TAKING.—INTR0DUCTT0NS.— BEHAVIOR
IN TRAVELLING. — LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Xntrodnctions 38
Behavior in Travelling 89
Letters of Introduction 49
Vi CONTENTS.
CHAPTER IV.
TABLE ETIQUETTE. — FLOWERS FOR THE TABLE. — DOINQ THB
HONORS OF THE TABLE. — GENERAL CUSTOMS. — STORY OF A
FRENCHMAN.
Flowers for tlie Breakfast-Table 49
Doing the Honors of the Table 50
General Customs » .'. . 51.
Story of the Abb6 Cbsson 53
CHAPTER V.
DINNER-PARTIES. — INVITATIONS. — NUMBER OF GUESTS. — TABLE
ARRANGEMENTS.— CUSTOMS.
Invitations. — ^Acceptances and Regrets 59
Number of Guests.— Thirteen a Fatal Number 61
Arrangements of the Table 62
Clubs 65
Drinking Wine 69
The Dessert.— Servants 70
Trifling Afl^irs of Some Importance 71
CHAPTER VL
EVENING ENTERTAINMENTS.— PARTIES AND BALLS.
The Arrival of Guests 74
The Supper-Table 76
Suppression of Intemperance 77
Leave-Taking.— Call Within a Few Days 78
Persons not being Invited. — A Dancing-Party 79
CHAPTER Vn.
THE PROPER FORMS OP ADDRESS. — HOW TO WRITE AND AD-
DRESS LETTERS. — THE GIVING OP NAMES.
Love of Titles in America 83
The Etiquette of .Address 83
How to Write and Address Letters §6
CONTENTS. vil
The Perils of Letters 87
Answering Letters „. , . 87
Tlie Giving of Names 89
CHAPTER VUL
SOCIAL rNTERCOURSK. — CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. ~ SLANG
FHBASE8.— EXAGGERATION.— SCANDAL.— THE INFLUENCE OP
WHAT PEOPLE SAY. — mQUISITIVE PEOPLE. — SIB RICHARD
STEELE'S RULE FOR CONVERSATION.
Conversation 94
Slang Phrases 98
Eiaggerations 99
What People Say 104
Inquisitive Persons 106
CHAPTER IX.
DRESS.— PERSONAL APPEARANCE AND MANNERS.— BEAUTY.
A Recipe for a Bonnet. — Beauty 119
CHAPTER X.
MARRIAGE OFFERS OF MARRIAGE. — LOVERS* LOVE-LETTERS.
— ETIQUETTE OP MARRIAGE. — ORIGIN OF THE WEDDING-
CAKE. — WEDDING-CARDS. — ORIGIN OF WEDDING-RINGS. —
WEDDING-GIFTS.
Offers of Marriage 126
Love-Letters 1^30
The Etiquette of Marriage 1^30
Wedding-Cake 134
Origin of Betrothal and Wedding Rings 135
Wedding-Gifts 136
CHAPTER XI.
HUSBANDS.— W 1 V ES.— BACHELORS. — OLD MAIDS.
Husbands 140
Vm CONTENTS.
PAOB
Wives 147
Old Bachelors 163
Old Maids 1&5
CHAPTEH XTT.
POLITENESS AND PLEASING MANNEKS EN CHILDREN AND
YOUNG PERSONS. — PROPER INFLUENCES.— CITY AND COUN-
TRY MANNERS. — MANNERS OP YOUNG LADIES ABROAD OR
AT WATERING-PLACES. — THE NEED OP PATIENCE.
Proper Influences 162
City and Country Manners 164
Manners of Young Ladies Abroad or at Watering-Places.. 166
Good Advice to Everybody 170
A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE^
INTRODUCTION.
TilJK NATUMB JlND PUItPOSE OF THE BOOK,
These pages have been prepared for those who are
Btriving to improve themselves in exterior polish, and to
add to their stock of information concerning the sub-
jects upon which it treats. It has not been written for
those who have been trained in the best usages of society
from their infancy ; nor for those who learned politeness
at the same time that they mastered the alphabet ; but
for the less favored of both sexes in our land, who are
desirous of obtaining a knowledge of the etiquette which
governs social intercourse, and are desirous of culti-
vating both politeness and good-breeding.
Its instructions are perfectly plain, practical and sim
pie — so simple that many persons may incline to ridicule
them. But only in this way can we convey information
to the many who are desirous of receiving it.
Etiquette has been defined as a code of laws which
binds society together — viewless as the wind — and yet
exercising a vast influence upon the well-being of man-
kind.
1
2 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
These laws were instituted during the days of ancient
chivah-y, but as years have flown they have been modi-
fied in a great degree, many of them being quite obso-
lete and others entirely changed. Some, however, have
been but slightly varied, to suit the times, being gov-
erned by the laws of good taste and common) sense,
and these not only facilitate the intercourse ul pei-atfua
in society, but are also essential to their ease and com-
posure of manner.
" And manners," said the eloquent Edmund Burke,
" are of more importance than laws, for upon them in a
great measure the laws depend. The law can touch us
here and there, now and then. Manners are what vex
or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or
refine, by a constant, steady, uniform and insensible oper-
ation, like that of the air we breathe in. They give their
whole form and color to our lives. According to their
quality they aid morals, they supply them, or they to-
tally destroy them."
It is often said that " such a man's pleasant, affable
manners made his fortune." And it is a truth that po-
liteness and good-breeding go far towards forming both
a man and a woman's reputation, and stamp upon them,
as it were, their current value, in the circles wherein
they move.
Agreeable manners are very frequently the friuts of
a good heart, and then they will surely please, even
though they may lack somewhat of graceful, courtly
polish. There is hardly any thing of greater importance
to children of either sex than good-breeding ; and if
parents and teachers would perform their duties faith-
fully, there would not be so much complaint concerning
the manners of the American children of the period.
THE NATURE AND PURPOSE OF THE BOOK. 3
" Be Courteous," it is an apostolical injunction which
we should ever bear in mind.
Let us train up our children to behave at home as we
would have them act abroad ; for we may be certain that,
while they are children, they will conduct themselves
abroad as they have been in the habit of doing, under
similar circumstances, at home.
The new version of Solomon's proverb is said to run
thus : —
" Train up a child in the way he should go, and when
he is old he will go on training." But it is open to sev-
eral definitions.
Enter a home where the parents are civil and courte-
ous towards all within the family circle — whether guests
or constant inmates — and you will see that their children
are the same ; that good manners are learned quite as
much by imitation as by fixed rules or principles.
Go into a family where the parents are rude, ill-bred
and indulge in disputations and unkind remarks, and
you will find the children are rough, uncouth and bearish.
Good manners are not merely conventional rules,
but are founded upon reason and good sense, and are,
therefore, most worthy of the consideration of all ; and
there are many points of good-breeding which neither
time nor place will ever change, because they are found-
ed upon a just regard of man for man.
We frequently hear these questions asked : " Who
is a lady ? and who is a gentleman ? "
The answers may be difticult to supply on account
'of the great difierence of opinion in various classes of
society, upon this subject.
Some would declare that position, advantageous sur
foundings, great riches, high birth, or superior intelli
4 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
gence and education, gave the requisites; but all of our
readers know of i^ersons who possess some one or more
of these advantages, and yet they cannot lay true claims
to this desirable and distinctive appellation.
Hence we frequently hear these words —
" Ah ! she is no lady ! " or, " Indeed, he is no gentle-
man!" appHed to those whose standing is high: who
possess much wealth ; or are endowed with genius ; but
have neglected to add to their other advantages the
touchstone of politeness and good-breeding.
Our reply to the question is that a well-bred lady is
one who to true modesty and refinement, adds a scrupu-
lous attention to the rights and feelings of those with
whom she associates, whether they are rich or poor, and
who is the same both in the kitchen or parlor. We re-
call the praise given by an Irishman to a fiiend of ours,
when he said : —
" Troth an' indade ma'am, jist as ye see her in the
parlor, we sees her in the kitchen. Niver a cross word
passes her lips, be it to rich or poor, servant or friend."
This is a high meed of praise — and when a courtly ad-
dress and ease of manner are added to it, we behold a
true lady.
Can we answer the other question ? "We will try.
Whoever is true, loyal and sincere ; whoever is of a
humane and affable demeanor, and couileous to all ;
whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment
of others, and requires no law but his word to hold him
to his engagements ; — such a man is a gentleman, —
whether he be dressed in broadcloth and in fine linen,
or be clad in a blue homespun frock; — whether his
hands are white and soft, or hardened and stained Avith
drudgery and toil.
THE NATURE AND PURPOSE OF THE BOOK. D
In a recent address made by the Bishop of Manches-
ter, England, before the Y. M. C. S. of Leeds, he said
" Some people think a gentleman means a man of inde-
pendent fortune — a man who fares sumptuously every
day ; a man who need not labor for his daily bread.
None of these make a gentleman — not one of them—
nor all of them together. I have known men when I
was brought closer in contact with working men than I
am brought now ; I have known men of the roughest ex-
terior, who had been used all their lives to follow the
plough and to look after horses, as thorough gentlemen
in heart as any nobleman who ever wore a ducal coro-
net. I mean I have known them as unselfish, I have
known them as truthful, I have known them as sympa-
thizing; and all these qualities go to make v/hat I un-
derstand by the term ' a gentleman.'
"It is a noble privilege which has been sadly pros-
tituted ; and what I want to tell you is, that the hum-
blest man in Leeds, who has the coarsest work to do,
yet, if his heart be tender, and pure, and true, can be,
in the most emphatic sense of the word, ^ a gentle-
man.' "
We all know that there are those in our midst who
object to politeness, or polite phrases, because, as they
say, the language is false and unmeaning. And " co77i-
pany ma7iners " is a scornful term frequently applied to
the courteous demeanor, and many polite sentences
which are often uttered, and are so very desirable, in
well-bred society.
In the common compliments of civilized life, there is
no falsehood uttered, because there is no intention to
deceive. And polite language is always agreeable to the
ear, and lends a soothing influence to the heart ; while
6 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
unkind and rough words, harshly uttered, are just th«
reverse.
Children and animals recognize this tiuth quite as
readily as adults. A baby will cry at the sound of
harsh language ; and your horse, cow, dog or cat, are all
most amenable to kind words and caressing motions.
And although : —
**'Tis only man can words create,
And cut the air to sounds articulate
By Nature's special charter,"
yet kindness is a language which the dumb can speak
and the deaf can understand.
We can convey the plainest of truths in a civil
speech; and the most malignant of lies can be also
wrapped in specious words. But we cannot consider a
love of truth any apology for rude and uncouth man-
ners ; truth need not be made harsh, unlovely and mo-
rose ; but should appear kind and gentle, attractive and
pleasing. Roughness and honesty are, however, often
met with in the same person ; but we are not compe-
tent judges of human nature, if we take ill-manners to
be a guarantee of probity of heart, or think a stranger
must be a knave because he possesses the outward
seeming of a gentleman. Doubtless there are many
wolves in sheep's clothing in our land, but that docs
not decrease the value of gentleness and courtesy in
the least.
Good manners and a good conscience are very often
twin-sisters, and are always more attractive for the com-
panionship.
Bad manners are frequently a species of bad morals ;
End Goethe tells us, " there is no outward sign of cour-
tesy that does not rest on a deep, moral foundation."
THE NATURE AND PURPOSE OF THE BOOK. 7
Good manners are a very essential characteristic of
religion also, as well as a fundamental part of civiliza-
tion ; and we are all in duty bound to treat those with
whom we come in contact, with consideration, respect
and deference.
In the Epistle of St. James, we read the first " Code
of Etiquette and Good manners^'' which was ever given
to man from high authority.
The Greeks and Romans, to be snre, were strictly
devoted to etiquette — but it was not the kind which
springs from " a conscience void of offence against God
and man."
The Chinese are the most minute of all nations in
their forms of etiquette, etc. ; and they have hundreds
of books which treat upon politeness and good-breed-
ing. One of their treatises upon these subjects is said
to contain over three thousand articles.
The custom of salutations, of visiting, of eating, of
making presents, of introductions, writing letters, and
the like, are all strictly defined, and they are enforced
like our laws — no one being permitted to transgress
them. We have been inclined to consider the Chinese
as barbarians, while in fact they are a far more polite
nation than our own. La Bruyere^ a famous French
writer, thus defines politeness :
" We may define politeness, though we cannot tell
where to fix it in practice. It observes received usages
and customs, is bound to times and places, and is not
the same thing in the two sexes or in different condi-
tions. Wit alone cannot obtain it ; it is acquired and
brought to perfection by emulation. Some dispositions
ftlone are susceptible of politeness, as others are only
capable of great talents or solid virtues."
8 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
" It is true, politeness puts merit forward, and ren
ders it agreeable, and a man must have eminent qualifi
cations to support himself without it."
Politeness may also be said to be the embodiment
of the golden rule; and without its aid, without the
amenities of society, life is an arid w^aste, a barrec
plain.
Gold will not supply the deficiencies of a pleasing
deportment ; and we can assure our readers that they
will find courtesy in all times and at all places the cheap-
est and most available of commodities.
In Europe, good manners are most highly esteemed,
and most assiduously inculcated both in the highest and
the lowest classes ; and the children are taught that it
is very essential for them to show respect to their su-
periors and elders, and to be always kind and courte-
ous to. their inferiors.
In America, politeness and etiquette are well taught
in those families who possess culture and refinement ;
but among the masses rarely taught at all. Our district
schools were nurseries of good manners thirty or forty
years ago, compared to what they are at the present day.
Then the country children were taught to bow to
strangers passing by ; now they would be more likely
to salute them with profanity or vulgarity.
Good manners are surely at a discount in the United
States. We cannot disguise this fact — it is seen by all
who travel through the country, who frequent the city,
who sail upon our rivers and our lakes, or whirl rapidly
along our railways.
The lower ofiicials are often cross and surly — the
higher sometimes extremely discourteous ; and the want
of good-breeding is everywhere noted.
THE NATURE AND PURPOSE OF THE BOOK. 9
Surely we should ask ourselves the question —
" Wheace has this condition of afiairs arisen?"
Our democratic principles should not be allowed to
lead us to indulge in discourtesy, and thus throw a
shadow of disgrace upon our institutions. And those
who consider the rules which regulate society needless
and absurd, would, if they were laid aside, soon desire
their restoration, as they are a needful barrier against
rudeness and vulgarity.
There are, doubtless, many eccentricities of fashion,
yet they soon pass away ; but some prescribed regula-
tions for conduct are essential for the preservation of
order and dignity. Etiquette is intended to guard us
from some of the inconveniences of a large acquaintance,
and by settling certain points, it permits us to maintain
a ceremonious acquaintance with a circle much too
large for social visiting.
Therefore let us : —
" study vnth. care, politeness that must teach
The modest forms of gesture and of speech;
In vain formality, -vritli matron mien,
And pertness apes -with her familiar grin:
They against nature for applauses strain,
Distosrt themselves, and give all others pain."
CHAPTER I.
JSTIQUBTTU IN THE HO MB CIBCZB.
"Nor need we power or splendor,—
Wide hall or lordly dome;
The good, the true, the tender,—
These form the wealth of home."
Etiquette is a comprehensive term, for it embraces
not only all observances connected with social inter-
course, but such as belong particularly to the home
circle.
To obtain fireside comforts and home-born enjoy-
ments and happiness, something more is required than
a handsome house, a beautiful lawn, shade-trees, and a
garden filled with flowers and arranged in the most ar-
tistic order.
Family bickerings and strife ; a lack of politeness,
good-breeding and etiquette, would turn the loveliest
Eden into a barren waste.
It ^T\\l avail us little to furnish our houses with all the
elegancies which the upholsterer's art can afibrd, and to
cultivate the grounds with the utmost skill, if our hearts
and minds are uncultivated, rough, uncouth and uncivil.
The members of one family must unceasingly inter-
change kind oflSces ; must rejoice and mourn, hope and
fear smile and weep in unison ; and must exchange sym-
12 A rANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
pathetic emotions, with a due regard to each other's
feelings, or the charming delights of the domestic circle
will lose much of their relish, or will be broken up and
become totally devoid of interest.
And it cannot be too strongly impressed upon the
mind, that mutual respect is the basis of true afiection ;
and, although it may seem a trifling matter in the family
whether this or that mode of speech is adopted, in real-
ity it is a very important thing.
Children and servants are greatly influenced by the
demeanor of master and mistress of the house; and the
husband who addresses his wife, in their presence, in a
derogatory manner, does both himself and her a decided
mjury. AVhile the wife, on her part, is equally bound to
show all due respect to her husband.
Every human being possesses an innate perception
of what is right. Children and servants are not excep-
tions to this general rule ; and those of us who indulge in
unkind expressions towards each other, lower ourselves
more than we can, perhaj^s, understand in the opinions
of those about us.
In many cases, a feeling of dislike is engendered,
which no after circumstances can obliterate — a feeling
near akin to contempt, also ; for who can cherish respect
for individuals who cannot govern themselves ?
A generous-minded boy will never forget the unkind
and taunting woi-ds which he has heard an irritable and
ill-governed father address to his dearly loved mother;
nor will either girls or boys forget similar breaches of
politeness and good-breeding exhibited by their mother
towards the father.
Truly, we have need of patience ! and in the family
circle it is one of the brightest vu'tues.
ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME CIRCLE. 13
" Can't you both have patience ? " murmured a little
gentle boy once in our hearing, while his parents were
indulging in unseemly bickerings, and there was a whole
volume of reproof in that one sentence.
Chesterfield, a pattern of good-breeding, tells his
son, that —
" The most familiar and intimate habitudes, connec-
tions and friendships, require a degree of good-breeding
both to preserve and cement them. The best of us have
our bad sides ; and it is as imprudent as it is ill-bred to
exhibit them. I shall not use ceremony with you, it would
be misplaced between us ; but I shall certainly observe
that degree of good-breeding with you, which is, in the
first place, decent, and which, I am sure, is absolutely
necessary to make us like one another's company long."
This is the best advice which can be given to hus-
bands and wives, parents and children, and also to rela-
tives and friends.
The habit of bantering, which is so often adopted by
married people before children and servants, is very un-
desirable, and frequently leads to serious consequences.
The husband will give a ridiculous appellation to the
wife, which will raise a laugh at her expense ; but in the
end, it may lower him far more than the mother in the
opinion of the children ; and in their turn, they will often
feel more respect and afiection for the mother than for
the father.
Nothing can be more injurious, or inconsistent with
true politeness and good-breeding, than the constant
habit of fault-finding concerning little petty trifles, when
indulged in by either husband or wife, in the presence
of others or by themselves.
There are men who never come to the table but the}
14 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
will find fault with the dishes served upon it. If roast
beef is the chief dish, they will say : —
" Beef! beef! why didn't you have chicken or turkey ?
I am tired of this everlasting beef! "
Or vice versa. No matter what the wife may have
provided, such a man will always evince a desire for
something else.
Now, were the gentleman accused of fault-finding, he
would indignantly deny it ; and he may be a kind and
good and true husband and father, and only have inad-
vertently fallen into this habit of not being satisfied with
what has been provided.
A good way to cure him, would be for the wife to
hand him a pencil and a card every morning as he leaves
the house, and request him to put down what he desires
for dinner ; so that the daily fault-finding can be, in a
measure, averted. This would convince him of his prac-
tice of picking flaws in the menage / and go far towards
efiecting a reformation in it.
Half of us find fault from habit ; but some of us, we
fear, do so from an inborn ugliness of disposition.
Of the latter class we have little hopes ; but the for-
mer can cure themselves — " 'an it pleases them."
Bad habits are very easily acquired ; therefore, young
persons must take special pains to avoid them.
We are always disgusted with sons and daughters
who do not show a marked respect to their parents,
elders and superiors; and who do not scruple to contra-
dict them, and set up their own opinions, with the ut-
most pertinacity, against those of their parents.
And why should our young men put aside the hon-
ored name of " Father," and substitute for it the objeo
tionable words '' Governor " or " Old Man f "
ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME CHICLE. 15
Some persons may reply : —
" What signifies a name ? "
A great deal ; and Father is a holy name, given to
as directly from God, the Father of all mankind; and
he who attains to that rank and stands as a father of the
family, occupies a high position, and his children should
recognize his sacred office and give him the name as-
signed to it.
No one thinks of calling his mother " Governess " or
^^Mrs. Governor."
If a daughter should attempt it, it would be esteem-
ed highly irreverent and ridiculous ; yet it is not in re-
ality any more absurd a practice.
Young persons often fall into erroneous habits from
want of thought ; therefore, it is needful to remind our
young friends of certain little discrepancies regarding
good-breeding, which they should carefully endeavor to
avoid.
Good manners are taught in the home, by " line upon
line and precept upon precept." Few of us are born
well-bred ; although we do occasionally meet with those
who are styled so. And, undoubtedly, a well-bred father
and mother will not have as much difficulty in rearing
polite and well-mannered children, as those who are the
reverse — not because they are born so, perhaps ; but be-
cause, as we have said before, good manners are learned
by imitation more readily than by precept and rule.
Let brothers and sisters be taught to respect each
other^s rights ; be as thoughtful to please, and as watch-
ful to avoid anything which will perplex and annoy each
other, as they would be to a young guest whom they
desu'ed to honor ; and they will then learn a due observ-
ance of home etiquette and politeness.
16 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Kude and rough boys are often allowed to treat theit
sisters in a very disagreeable, overbearing manner, and
annoy them on every occasion, by breaking up their
baby houses and destroying their playthings, and speak-
ing very slightingly of " the girls.''''
We consider such behavior as exceedingly reprehen-
sible, and entirely at variance with all rules of good-
breeding.
Such boys will also make unkind and rude husbands ;
for by being permitted to exhibit and indulge such traits
of character in their youth, they will be likely to indulge
in them in their manhood, and pursue the same pleasing
pastimes in their own families.
A sister is the best judge of a brother's abilities in
playing the role of a good husband.
And a brother can estimate very fairly the position
which a sister would hold in a husband's home.
We delight in the freedom of childhood; in ita
merry —
" Quips and cranks and wanton wiles ; "
and in the cheerfulness of youth, and its many delights
and pleasures ; but still more charming is the gentle-
manly demeanor of brothers towards their sisters.
Boastful persons, and such as disregard truth in their
statements, are usually to be avoided ; tliese sins, in the
lowest point of view, are decidedly against the etiquette
of good society.
ISTo woman can either respect or love a man who is
it the habit of deceiving her ; nor can a man esteem or
love a woman whose statements do not possess the viilue
of truth.
Men will sometimes conceal from women the reali«
ties of their lives on the plea that they are too narrow
ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME CIRCLE. 17
mincled weak or simple to understand them ; while worn
en, in their turn, conceal the details of their daily life
on the score that they do not wish to be interfered with ;
or for fear lest their hidden pleasures be denied them.
Hence arises the theory that wives must be kept in
the dark concerning their husbands' pursuits ; and that
men must be '•'"managed^'' so that they shall not forbid
this, that or the other desired pleasure.
And this is styled " diplomacy in the home circle."
Of course this state of ailairs is very uncertain and
slippery; and an expose will be threatened daily.
Both husband and wife feel that they are deceived,
yet cannot tell exactly how, when or where ; cannot
place their hand on the very spot — cannot prove what
they suspect.
Men always know that they are ^''managed'''' even
when they cannot see the way; and women under-
stand that they are deceived ; — are sure that the excuses
given for uncalled-for absences are not the right ones-
even though they cannot discover the truth. Such
things go in the air, and consciousness is evolved even if
the senses reveal naught. Such homes, however, are
but the stepping-stones to a deeper abyss of woe.
A love of truth, a high sense of honor, delicacy of
manner, and strict adherence to correct principles, are
the chief essentials of home etiquette.
Be careful to avoid the habit of sauntering into a
room without attending to any thing that passes there ;
— thinking, it may be, of a trifling afiair that need not oc-
cupy the attention, or very likely not thinking at all.
In this way some persons trespass upon the rules of
politeness which enjoin that each one should do his part
in society.
18 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Make it a rule wherever you are, to take an inter-
est in all that passes, observe the characteristics of the
persons you meet, and listen to and take part in the
subjects of their conversation.
Habitual inattention is sometimes attributed to great
genius, but, we cannot endorse that idea.
Such a peculiarity of manner is subversive of all po-
liteness, and tends to shut a man within himself, and
make him of little importance in life. There are some
yoimg persons, however, who delight to pass for genius-
es or originals, and they think it very interesting to
appear as if in a " brown study " while in the comj^any
of others. They like to seem entirely absorbed, and
ai'^ delighted if any one observes their eccentricities.
Such manners are entirely at variance with good-
breeding. If a person speak to you ever so foolishly or
frivolously, it is the height of ill manners not to heed
what he says; and if he ever forces conversation upon
you, it is unkind, to say the least, to assume a perfectly
indifferent demeanor.
Besides, you cannot offer any one more flattering
attention than by that pleasing deference which, though
it may involve somewhat of a sacrifice, yet, is worth
making.
It is a good rule to endeavor to please every one as
far as is possible for us to do without too great a breach
of sincerity.
In this country free and easy manners are too preva-
lent ; but space would fail us to particularise all the lit-
tle trifles in which even well-bred persons sometimes
fall short. We will, however, briefly remark, that noth-
ing can be more adverse to good manners than the habit
of sitting with the hat on in the house — be it in the par
ETIQUETTE IN TUE HOME CIRCLE. 19
lor, dining-room, kitchen, store or office ; or than yawn-
ing and whispering in company, lounging npon the chairs,
by tipping them back upon two legs ; taking the best
8tats in tlie room, and keeping them when your elders
enter ; or standing with the back to an oj^en fire, i^hen
(Other persons are near it; and last, but not least, spit-
ting into the tire, etc. These practices are deemed al-
most peculiar to our country, and have been severely
animadverted upon by European travellers in our midst.
A man may have virtue, capacity and good habits,
and yet his lack of good-breeding may make him unen-
durable to those who are well-bred.
The style and manner which we neglect as too tri-
fling for us to heed, are often the things by which the
world judges us. There are many little matters of per-
sonal bearing and conduct which must be attended to,
if we desire to be agreeable in society.
It is useless to say that such a man, whose attire is
neglected, whose whole appearance bespeaks the sloven,
is a good and able man and therefore must be agreeable
and pleasing. Ilis ability and goodness are, doubtless,
desirable qualities, but the personal juxtaposition of the
man is insupportable to those who are accustomed to
cleanliness and refinement.
Not that it is essential that every man should be ex-
ternally elegant, or an adept in the rules which consti-
tute good-breeding; but no one can hope to be admired
and sought after, who is addicted to conspicuous un-
cleanliness, the special tendency of which is to inspire
painful feelings in those around him.
SPECIAL ADVICE TO BOYS Ai^D GIRLS.
Never be monkeyish or clownish — attempting to in-
20 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
troduce tlie manners of the " circus " into the home.
Some rude boys seem to pride themselves upon their
exhibitions of low, vulgar tricks, antic gestures, foolish
jests and odd, slangy expressions.
Such low, shameful vulgarity may excite the laughter
of foolish persons, "/or the mouth of fools feedeth on
foolisJiness; " but no one possessing common sense can
see such behavior without disgust and abhorrence. And
every boy that acts the buffoon puts himself on a level
with a clown, and lowers himself in the estimation of
the good and the wise.
Be polite, respectful and modest to all, and especially
to your elders and superiors. There is nothing more
disgusting than a youth who assumes an air of disre-
spect and self-importance towards his superiors, equals,
or inferiors.
Never stare people in the face. It is exceedingly
impolite, and a certain mark of ill-breeding to stare idly
at strangers or any one, as though you were entirely un-
used to seeing visitors. In conversing with any one,
however, it is right to look him in the face, with cheer-
ful, dignified and respectful assurance.
" Never jerk, twitch or slam doors or window blinds ;
but endeavor to be cautious and gentle in all your mo-
tions. No well-bred child will ever slam a door in an-
ger, or even give it a strong twitch.
Never enter a house or parlor with your boots all
mud and slush, or sit down with your hat or cap on.
Never go up and down stairs, or about the house,
with the speed of a trotting horse and the tread of an
elephant ; step lightly, quickly, and orderly.
Never be rude and boisterous with your young
friends. You can share in all kinds of sports, and yet
ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME CIRCLE. 21
never lose the command of yourself so as to become
hoydenish and bold. Avoid loud soreammg and rude
merriment. Remember what Lear says of Cordelia :
**Her voice was erer sweet, gentle and low: an excellent thing in woman.'*
If we will Study to introduce Home Etiquette
into our families ; to leai-n to be always courteous — al-
ways conciliatory — always well-bred — we should lind
that we had gained an immeasurable amount of hapj^i-
ness.
Negligence and carelessness with regard to the little
amenities of life, are the fruitful source of much domes-
tic unhappiness. " Good manners are to the family,
what good morals are to society, their cement and theb
security."
**AlasI we think not that we daily see
About OUT hearths — angela that are to be.
Or may be if they will, and we prepare
Their souls and ours to meet in happy air—
A child, a friend, a wife whase soft heart sings
In unison with ours, breeding its future wiugs.**
CHAPTER n.
SB!f7XTl*ltlaJ!V AJVD ENTERTAINMENT OF VISITOIth ETa
" Man, in society, is like a flower
Blown in its native bud— 'Tla there alone
His faculties expanded in full bloom
Shine out, there only reach their proper use,**
Behavior at home is one of the best touchstoE.es oi
good manners; for many persons will aj^pear well
abroad, and yet cannot exhibit any degree of ease at
their own fireside and table. But to entertain company
without embarrassment or excitement, is an art which
it requires some usage to perfect.
" Company, various company," says Chesterfield, " is
the only school for this knowledge. Nothing forms a
young person so much as being used to keep respectable
and superior company, where a constant regard and at-
tention is necessary. It is true, this is at first a disa-
greeable state of restraint ; but it soon grows habitual,
and consequently easy; and you are amply paid for it by
the improvement you make, and the credit it gives you."
Hospitality is also a Christian duty, and all house-
keepers should exercise it to some extent. We were
not designed to live alone, to shut ourselves up in our
houses, and enjoy the blessings which have been given
us in a spirit of exclusiveness.
Nature teaches us a lesson in this direction. She
keeps open house for innumerable winged and creeping
23
insects, and their banquets are always spread among the
beautiful, fragrant flowers, whose hospitable abodes are
ever filled with guests, from the bees and the butterflies
to the tiniest winged gnat. Elegant hospitality can
be exercised at a moderate expense , and those of us
who cannot afibrd to give costly dinner or evening par-
ties, can surely entertain a few friends at tea, or of an
evening, and thus promote a social feeling among neigh-
bors and acquaintances. It is not well for young per-
sons to entertain too much company when they first
commence housekeeping, but neither is it well to pay
no heed to hospitality.
The Duke of Sully advised young people " to live
frugally that you may live happily; shut not your doors
or hearts against those who have a claim upon your hos-
pitality ; — but remember, that if they really esteem and
love you, they will come not to look at your table or
your furniture, but to enjoy your society."
The chief art of pleasing is to make every one feel at
homo; that is, at his ease.
And if anything has occurred in your menage to ruf-
fle your temper, do not annoy your guests by telling
your grievances. Of course they cannot be interested
in such petty details ; and the relation may tend to mar
their pleasure.
There are those who are born with the faculty of
Tendering every one happy who comes in contact with
them, and they seem endowed with great discernment
of character, and can encourage the timid, repress the
encroaching, and call forth the peculiar talents and per-
fections of all. Such persons can always make them-
selves agreeable ; while there are others who, strive as
they may, can never attain to the same position.
24 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Yet a desire to please — a desire to entertain one's
guests, will usually prove successful ; and if you are
cheerful, animated and pleasant yourself, you cannot
fail to shed a halo of pleasure upon those around you.
If your friends become your guests for awhile, it is
well to give them some insight into your mode of life.
Then they will readily comprehend your duties, and
will often think it advisable not to encroach too much
upon 3^our morning hours, which may be required for
some domestic occupations.
After luncheon, or early dinner, your time, however,
should be given up them ; either to drive out, walk,
shop, or in some entertainment in the house. Of course
you will always attend to the arrangement of their
sleeping-rooms, and provide everything that is essen-
tial for their comfort before they arrive, unless you are
blessed with a most superior housekeeper. It is mer-
ciless to invite friends to visit you in cold weather, with-
out providhig a fire in their bedroom or dressing-room.
Neither is it courteous to wait until they arrive, and
then inquire — " Would you like a fire ?"
Therefore, if you cannot afford to make your friends
comfortable, do not invite them ; at least in the wintry
season.
Let your guests see, by your manner, that their pres-
ence is a decided pleasure to you; and make it also
an incentive to recreations and amusements which do
not belong to the common routine of your life.
You should try to make their visit as agreeable as
possible, but without any apparent effort ; so that they
may not think that you are putting yourself out of the
way to afford them pleasures in which you do not often
indulge. It is your duty to endeavor to make the time
RECEPTION OF VISITORS, ETC. 25
pass pleasantly, but if your visitors perceive that you
are altering the daily tenor of your life on their account,
It will detract greatly from their happiness.
It is a good plan, when inviting guests to visit you,
tc state a given period for their visit. Mention the day
when you would be happy to receive them, and the
length of time of their visit. Perhaps a young lady is
invited to make a visit in the country, or in the city,
and no mention is made of days, weeks, or months, for
its limit, and, therefore, she is utterly at a loss to know
what amount of clothing, etc., she may require.
Thus, her pleasure is marred through the embarrass-
ment of not knowing when to depart; while if a time
had been given, all needful arrangements would have
been made concerning it.
When your guests intimate their intention of leaving
you, if you really desire them to remain longer, say so
frankly, and urge them to prolong the visit ; but if you
do not care for their society any longer, do not be so
insimjere as to urge it ; or, on the other hand, if they
cannot prolong their visit, do not worry them by your
pertinacity in urging them to do so — but, while you in-
vite them to renew their visit at their earliest conven-
ience, facilitate their departure by every means in your
power, and give them all needful information as to
•outes, time tables, etc.
Of course, no guest will leave a friend's house with-
out some expressions of regret and good-will. A good
warm heart will, however, dictate the forms of speech
requisite upon such occasions.
And when you are at home, be sure and inform your
friends of your safe arrival, and express the gratifica-
tion you have received from your visit, and gracefully
26 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
allude to the different members of the family, while you
thank them for their kindly hospitality.
No well-bred person will ever fail to make this ac-
knowledgment ; and a failure to do so, is a decided mark
of ignorance of both etiquette and politeness. Guests
will never take the part of either host or hostess in any
trilling disagreement of opinion. As visitors, they can
express their ideas upon various matters, of course ; but
shim any partisanship. And they will also scrupulously
respect the rights of their entertainers, and never criti-
cise their surroundings and manners to other persons.
The Arab never speaks ill of those whose salt he has
tasted ; and well-bred persons will never repeat what a
Mrs. A. said, nor tell what Mr. A. did, when they were
visiting at their house.
Such discrepancies of good manners are perfectly un-
endurable, and no respectable person will excuse them.
Visitors should always give the servants who have
waited upon them some little presents, either in money
or its equivalent. They have had extra work in waiting
upon them, and, therefore, deserve extra compensation.
The chain wliich binds society together is composed
of innumerable links, and it should be the part of hosts
and guests to keep them uniformly bright; and to let
neither moth nor rust corrupt them.
VISITS OF CEREMOifY.
There are various kinds of visits: visits of ceremony,
visits of condolence, visits of congratulation, and visits
of friendship, and each has its different custom or eti-
quette.
These visits, however, are all essential, in order to
maintain good feeling between the members of society ;
RECEPTION OF VISITORS, ETC. 27
and, therefore, they should be carefully attended to,
even if they do occupy a large portion of your time.
Visits of ceremony, are those which are paid aften
receiving attentions at the hands of your acquaintances;
after dining, or supping at a friend's house ; after at-
tendmg an evening party, etc.; and they should invaria-
bly be of short duration ; and one should never take
either children or dogs when making them. Hand
your card to the servant at the door, and ask if the lady
or ladies are in.
When other visitors are announced, it is better to
wait until they are seated, and then rise from your seat
and take leave of your hostess, and bow politely to the
guests ; but never leave while others are entering the
room, as it produces a needless confusion.
Many well-bred persons do not introduce their visi-
tors to each other ; but if you are left in the parlor with
strangers, while the servant summons his mistress, it is
not impolite to enter into conversation with them, and
when the lady enters, the conversation will be mutual.
You should always call at an hour when you would ex-
pect to find ladies prepared to receive visitors, and not
at lunch, or dinner-time. In most cities, regular recep-
tion days are a la niode^ and are engraved upon the vis-
iting cards, thus — " At home Mondays^ from 12 o'' clock
till 4." And then it is needful to call upon that day,
and between the hours prescribed. Only very intimate
friends would call at any other time.
After attending a dinner-party, or a ball, you should
call within the week upon your hostess. When you are
going to be absent from home for months, or years, you
should call upon all your friends and acquaintances, or
send your card, enclosed in an envelope, with the letters,
28 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
T. T. L. {''to take leave''), or P. P. C. (''Pour prendre
conge "), written at the right hand lower corner. In tak-
ing leave of a family, you send or leave as many cards
as there are members ; but if the call is upon intimate
friends, you need only turn down the left hand edge.
If, previous to a long voyage, or absence, or on the
occasion of your marriage, you omit to call or send a card
to your friends, it is understood that the acquaintance
ceases. When you return home, those to whom you have
sent cards, or paid visits, will pay the first visit to you.
When a lady intends to give a large party or ball,
she calls or leaves cards at the houses of those whom
she intends to invite, from ten days to a week before
the invitations are issued.
A slip of thin card-board with the name, and the num-
ber of residence and street engraved upon it, is accept-
ed as a substitute for a ceremonious visit, and its shape
and lettering varying with the fashion.
It is usual, however, to prefix the titles of Mr., Mrs.,
and Miss, to the name, but young gentlemen omit the
Mr., and the professional ones, such as Right Rev,, Rev.,
and Dr., are also given, but we omit the prefix of lion.
and Excellency, as ours is a democratic country. Mili-
tary and naval titles are added to the cards of those in
the service of the United States.
A card can be left or sent by a servant, in lieu of a
formal visit ; but it is not well-bred to send it through
the post. In leaving your card for a stranger, always add
your address, if it is not printed upon it.
Keep an account of your ceremonial visits. A visit-
ing-list, or book, is indispensable if one possesses a large
circle of acquaintances. This is needful, because time
passes so rapidly; and then you must note down at
EECEPTION OF VISITORS, ETC. 29
wTiat time your visits were returned. And you can
graduate your visits by it; yet there may be circum-
stances, such as ill-health, or age, which would render it
desirable for you to call again without reference to the
return of your visits. The courtesies of society should
ever be respected among the nearest friends, and even
in the domestic circle ; but among relations and intimate
friends, visits of ceremony are not needed. Yet one
should endeavor to pay even social visits at suitable
hours, and never make one's self a bore by staying too
long.
To continue working with the needle when visits of
ceremony are paid, would be extremely uncourteous ;
but when intimate friends are present, it is not always
necessary to lay aside any light kind of work which does
not interfere with your conversation.
It is decidedly inconsistent, however, with good-
breeding, to have your eyes fixed upon a crochet, or
worsted pattern, and attempt to count its stitches while
receiving a call from the most intimate friend.
If your visitors come from a distance, be sure and
offer them some refreshments, or urge them to remain
to lunch ; and if those call who are in ill health, offer a
glass of wine, with a biscuit or cracker.
We once heard a lady say : —
" I never attempt now to pay visits in the suburbs
of this city, because it entails upon me a long drive, and
perhaps something of a walk into the bargain, and as
few ladies ever think of otfering their friends either a
glass of wine or a cup of tea, with a biscuit or bit of
cake, I should return home half famished, and a se-
vere headache would be the result. I am always glad
to see my fi-iends, but I cannot return their visits."
30 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
On the other hand, the dweller in the suburbs oi a
large city is forced to take the same drive or walk to
visit a city friend, and a slight lunch would be always
agreeable after the exertion.
In the same town or village, of course, such an at-
tention is needless; yet, if aged persons call, it is a.
pleasing courtesy to them.
VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP.
Formal visits are usually paid between the hours of
twelve and three — informal visits at those hours when
you know your friends are at leisure to receive you. It
is well, in making social visits, however, not to acquire
the title of a day gohliji^ viz : one who, having no occu-
pation, and delighting in the sound of his or her own
voice, makes constant inroads into their friends' houses,
and runs in at the most unseasonable hours, saying, " Oh !
it is only I, nobody minds me ; let me come right up
stairs."
Now most families have their occupations and rules^
which they do not care to have set aside in this manner,
and it is past endurance to have your pursuits broken in
upon by a friend who, having gained an entrance to youi
sanctum^ will remain there for hours, and then depart,
saying-—
" There ! I have made you a long visit, and I hope
you will return it."
VISITS OF CONGRATULATION.
Visits of congratulation are paid after the birth of
an infant; when it is also customary to send tasteful
and elegant baskets or bouquets of flowers.
Also, upon friends who have received an appoint-
ETC. 81
ment to any office or dignity in the community, state,
or government. If a friend has published a book, yoD
call to congratulate him upon its success ; or if he haa
delivered a lecture, sermon, or oration, which has elicited
your applause, you call and express your high estimation
of the discourse.
And you pay visits of congratulation when you hear
that your friends are intending to marry, and take upon
themselves new responsibihties.
VISITS OF C0XD0LE2^CE.
In this world of sickness, sorrow, and bereavement,
visits of condolence must occasionally be made ; and, if
possible, they should be i»aid within a week after death
has entered the family circle. If your acquaintance is
ceremonious, it is the custom, however, to wait until the
family have appeared at church.
You should send up your card, and ask if your friends
wdll receive you ; and it is in good taste for ladies to be
attired in quiet a})[)arel, rather than in bright, gaudy
colors. In formal visiting a card can be left in lieu of a
call. In many places it is customary to send invitations
to friends to attend a funeral, and only those receiving
cards are expected to attend. Kotes are also usually
sent to those who are requested to serve as pall-bearers.
One should always leave it to those who are in affliction
to make the first allusions to their bereavement.
SOCIAL YISITS.
When calling upon friends at hotels, or boarding
houses, always send up by a servant, a request to see
them ; and never enter a room until you have received
an invitation to do so.
32 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
When a gentleman calls upon a lady, and finds a lady
friend also visiting her, he should rise when she takes
her leave, and accompany her to the hall door ; and if
she has a carriage, should hand her into it.
Gentlemen should always carry their hats in their
hands when paying morning or evening calls, but should
not place them on the chairs or parlor table.
Every well-bred man knows that a hat can be made
a very graceful part of his attire, especially if he knows
how to hold it.
Ladies, in our country, are allowed considerable free-
dom in receiving and in paying visits, and can appear, in
the daytime, in all public places unattended by their
brothers, husbands, or friends of either sex. They can
also attend public exhibitions, libraries, etc., and appear
on the promenades alone, but this is not the case either
in Paris or London.
If you attempt such proceedings in those cities, you
may expose yourself to indignities which would annoy
you sadly. But in. the United States, ladies who behave
with discretion, can go wherever they please without
molestation ; but in the evening, an escort is always de-
sirable. It is not considered comme il faut for the lady
of the house to accompany ceremonial visitors to the
door; she merely rises from her seat, bows, or shakes
hands, according to her intimacy with the persons, and
if her menage supplies a parlor servant, she rings the
bell to summon him to open the outer door.
With intimate friends she does as she pleases, either
accompanying them to the door, or leaving them to find
their way out of the house alone, or calling the servant
to escort them.
It should be the desire of us all to be well-bred, but
33
it is not a veneering that can be applied, or laid aside
at pleasure. We should carry our good manners every-
where ; and unless we cultivate them constantly, and
exercise them upon all occasions, and towards all per-
sons, they can never become a part of ourselves ; and
when we try to assume them, they will often fail us at
our greatest need.
If you are impolite to your washerwoman, or to
your maid, you are in great danger of being so to those
whose good opinion you desire to possess.
The charm which true politeness sheds over its pos-
sessor, is not easily described ; yet it is felt by every
one, and invariably responded to by the best feelings of
their nature.
**It ia the secret sympathy,
The silver link, the silken tie,
Which heart to heart, and mind to mJndf
In body and in soul casx Idnd.**
CHAPTER in.
SJLIjUTATTONS, T.EAVJS-TAKJNO, JNTROnUCTIONS, BE'
HAT I on IX TRA^rML,L,lNG A-NU LMTTEMS OF IN-
TRODUCTION.
"It was VFitlial a highly polished age,
And scrupulous in ceremonious rite,
When stranger stranger met upon the way,
First each to other bowed respectfully.
And large professions made of humble sernce."
We have always admired the Oriental modes of sal-
utation and of leave-taking, and wished that our lan-
guage possessed more graceful forms of speech than the
plain " How d'ye do f " " How are you ? " or " Hope
you are wellP^ which constitute our abrupt salutations.
We do not object to the '■^Good-morning'" and
*6^ooc7-6t;e7?i?2^" handed down to us from our ancestors;
these expressions are not unpleasant to the ear — but the
others grate against the sensibilities. In all nations the
forms of salutation differ. The Bedouin greets you
with : — " May God grant you a happy morning^'' or
*' May God grant you His favor s^^'' or " If God wills ity
you are welV^ And placing his right hand upon his
bosom, he bows low ; but If he addresses a person of
very high rank, he bows nearly to the ground and kisses
the hem of his garment. The Egyptian, according to
Herodotus, salutes you with " How do you perspire ? "
and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows
low, and inquires " Hwe you eaten f " The German
35
asks, " Wie gehts f " " IIoio are you ? " " How goes it
with you ? " and in bidding adieu, says, " Leben sie
wohiy " Live well." The Spaniai-d, in bidding you good-
morning, says, " God be with you^ sir,^^ while the Neapol-
itan devoutly remarks " Grow in holiness^ The Pole
kisses the shoulder, and in farewell says, " J?e everwelV
In Hungary, they say, '^ May yoit remain well^'^ or ^^God
keep you 'well.'''' A Frenchman may forgive you a pecu-
niary obligation, but he would hardly forgive you a nod
in lieu cf a low bow in salutation ; and for a gentleman
to enter the presence of a lady without removing his
hat, is sufficient cause for a duel. The French do not,
however, shake hands as frequently as we do, and never
upon being first introduced; and in leave-taking they
say " au revoir,''^ to meet again, or " adieu^'' which word
has become decidedly anglicized. In Turkey, great at-
tention is paid to salutations, and the arms are folded
upon the breast, while the head is bent very low ; while
the Hindoos bend the head nearly to the ground.
The Moors of Morocco have a custom wholly their
own ; they ride at a gallop towards a stranger as though
they would unhorse him, and when close at hand, draw
in their fiery steed and fire a pistol over the person's
head. When they would salute the Great Mogul, how-
ever, they first touch the earth with their right hand,
then lay it upon their breast, then lift it to the sky ; and
these gestures are repeated three times in rapid succes-
sion. " How are you f " is a salutation which is not ad-
missible in a slight acquaintance ; and the reply " Yery
well, thank you^'' is only returned amongst intimate
friends. But ^^ Good-rnorniiig and ^^ good-eveni7ig ^^ Sire
appropriate in any society. A bow, either on the street
or in the parlor, should always accompany? a salutation,
36 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
and it should be both respectful and deferential, and
not a mere nod of the head. A gentleman always re-
moves his hat in the street instead of touching its brim,
when bowing either to ladies or aged persons of his own
sex ; and he inclines the whole body, instead of simply
jerking his neck. Ladies recognize their gentleman
friends with a bow of graceful inclination ; and it is
their place to bow first to those with whom their ac-
quaintance is but slight, while with very intimate friends
the recognition is frequently simultaneous.
A gentleman walking with a lady lifts his hat to
every person, gentleman or lady, to w^hom the lady
bows, as a mark of respect to her. A well-bred man
will remove his cigar from his lips whenever he bows
to a lady, or even if he passes a strange lady in a hotel
or in the street.
If a gentleman should see a lady approaching a nar-
row crossing, or going up or down a staircase, he should
lift his hat, and stand aside for her to pass.
A young lady should also show an equal degree of
deference and attention to an elderly one, or to a lady in
a higher position of society.
If a person of the lowest rank lifts his hat to you, al-
ways acknowledge it as courteously as if he were your
equal. " A bow," says La Fontaine., " is a note drawn
at sight ; and if you acknowledge it, you must pay the
full amount."
And it should be either respectful, cordial, familiar,
civil or affectionate, according to circumstances connect-
ed with the acquaintance. Avoid condescending bows,
however, for they are always objectionable and offensive.
If you desire to converse with any one you meet, es-
pecially if a lady, do not stop them on the sidewalk, to
37
the annoyance of others passing by, but turn round, and
accompany them a few blocks or take leave at the next
comer. It is never well to cut any one in the streets.
A slight acquaintance should receive a passing notice ;
and it is absurd, because you have a trifling diflerence
with a person, to avoid looking at them. Unless your
quarrel is for life, always recognize one, even if it is done
with cold civility.
fSuch slights are deeply felt ; and men will sooner
forget an injury than a cut.
A lady should always thank a gentleman for a friend-
ly escort — be it to party, opera, theatre or church.
Gratitude for services received should on all occasions
be expressed in a few well-chosen words.
True etiquette requires the exercise of rational be-
havior at all times and in all places ; and its rules are sub-
ject to all moral laws.
A church is a place to which, as a general rule, how-
ever, the etiquette of society is not applied ; for though
you would recognize your friends there, you would not
often make introductions, nor give invitations to dinner
parties, etc., nor enter into long conversations.
It is a holy place, wherein the arbitrary rules of so-
ciety are not expected to enter; but politeness is always
supposed to be present there.
It is strictly kind and polite to offer a stranger a seat
in church, and also to proffer a prayer or hymn book ;
and, if the person is a lady, you should find the places
for her in both.
If books are not plentiful, it is also an act of polite-
ness for the stranger to offer you half of his book, and
for you to accept the partial use of it.
Gentlemen always precede a lady in entering a
38 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
cliiirch, concert-room, opera or theatre, etc. ; and by so
doing they can more easily find a seat for the lady.
IKTRODUCTIONS.
In introducing a lady to a gentleman, always mention
the lady's name first, whether she be married or single,
yomig or old.
Thus : " Mrs. A., ^>er^iz^ me to present to you Mr.
JB. ; " or, " Mrs. A.^ allow rue to introduce to you Mr. ^."
Either form is appropriate ; yet some persons will
assure you that the words introduction and introduce
are not as comme ilfautas the terms presentation and
prese7it.
But whichever form you may use, be sure and repeat
the names distinctly ; yet, if you do not catch the name,
you can bow, and say pleasantly, " I beg pardon ; " or,
" Excuse me, I did not hear the name."
When introduced to a gentleman it is not customary
for a lady to ofier her hand, but simply to bow politely
and gracefully; and if she has heard much honorable
mention of the gentleman she can say, " I have heard so
much of you, that it gives me pleasure to meet you."
When gentlemen are introduced, however, less form
is observed, and one can say merely, " Mr. A., Mr. B. ; "
and they frequently shake hands. But if one or both
parties are of high rank, the same form should be ob-
served as with ladies.
A gentleman should never be introduced to a young
or old lady without her permission being obtained.
There are some exceptions to this general rule, how-
ever : at an evening-party or at a dinner-party, the lady
of the house deems it her prerogative to present her
guests to each other ; and a mother can introduce her
SALUTATIONS, LEAVE-TAKING, ETC. 39
son to her friends without requesting their permissioE
to do so.
But no introductions should ever be given without
one is certain of the desirability of the acquaintance
about to be made.
Introductions are rarely given in the street, unless
one of the parties requests it; and the request should
come from the lady, in most cases.
If upon entering a parlor, you are not immediately
recognized by the lady of the house, mention your name
directly ; but it is customary to send up your card in all
cases, where you do not possess the most intimate ac-
quaintance.
BEHAVIOR IN TRAVELLING.
It has been said, that when two Americans meet in
any public place or conveyance, they will stare at each
other by the hour, but will not enter into conversation ;
thereby imitating our English cousins. This is a decided
slander upon our national sociability, and we must de-
nounce it as such. As a race, we are far more social than
the English; and most Americans are very ready to
carry on a civil and easy conversation with persons
whose appearance warrants such a courtesy.
Yet appearances are proverbially deceitful, and we
cannot think it desirable for young ladies while travel-
ling alone, in cars or steamboats, to permit gentlemen
of even the most respectable outward seeming to enter
into social conversation with them. White hairs and
old age may be allowed such favors sometimes, but we
must council a reticent demeanor in young lady travellers.
Elderly ladies can suit themselves about such mat-
ters. They are presumed to have some knowledge of
40 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
hnman nature, and can tell a gentleman by his eyes, lips
and the general contour of his face and figure, whik
they can also, by their subtle intuitions, detect the vil-
iair. under the finest of broadcloth and white linen.
But we do especially dislike to see a young lady re-
ceive the overtures of an acquaintance in the cars — from
stranger young men, whose lips breathe dissipation and
its attendant vices. If young men offer you their cards
while travelling alone, do not receive them, but politely
decline the civility.
Travelling once with an attractive young girl, some
gentlemen in front of us endeavored to enter into con-
versation, which we politely declined by answering in
monosyllables all questions offered.
After a few hours they left the cars, and then oui:
little friend said :
" Why wouldn't you talk with them ? they were
handsome and well dressed, and papa always speaks to
gentlemen in, the cars, and lets me talk with them also."
There comes in the difference. A gentleman can
talk with other gentlemen while travelling, and allow
his daughter to do the same, and feel assured that no
harm could result from her so doing, for he is her pro-
tector, and usually an all-sufiicient guardian. A well-
bred courtesy, or the lack of it, is always discernible
while travelling, and one often sees that neither costly
trappings, nor high position, nor even education consti-
tutes an agreeable travelling companion ; but he must
possess a kindly heart, native politeness, and an unselfish
spirit, joined to a quick recognition of the needs of oth-
ers, and also of equal rights in the public conveniences
of both cars and steamboats.
Mr. Pullman, of " Palace Sleeping Car '' fame, was
SALUTATIONS, LEAVE-TAKING, ETC. 41
asked " why he did not provide more private toilette
arrangements for ladies on the most frequented Western
routes of travel ? and why there were not locks or'
bolts upon the ladies' dressing-rooms?" He replied
that were he to furnish these, but two or three ladies (?)
in a sleeping car would be able to avail themselves of
the conveniences, for they would lock themselves in,
and prevent all others from sharing them."
Does this reproof fit the shoulders of the ladies who
constitute the travelling public upon our great thorough-
fares ?
The gentleman or lady who deposits his or her lug-
gage upon three seats in a car, and then takes possession
of the fourth, and persistently reads either book or
newspaper while others look in vain for a seat, is far
more ill-bred than those who laugh and talk noisily, and
scatter shells of nuts and rinds of fruit upon the floor
utterly indiflerent to those around them.
They are guilty only of a solecism in good man
ners; the others take what does not belong to them, and
are, in truth, guilty of robbery.
Decent poKteness demands that seats be given up to
those who enter the cars, and passengers should never
be forced to relinquish their rights to them. A due
sense of courtesy should prompt every one to offer a
vacant seat, however desirable it may be to have it to
y ourself.
Summer and winter, travel in cars and boats is an
excellent test of politeness, patience and inborn refine-
ment and delicacy. It has been often remarked that
there would not be nearly as many unhappy marriages
in the United States, if lovers would journey together
before the all-important vows were made. Then they
42 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
would know each other without disguise ; would, if they
possessed the least particle of observation, detect the
flaws in heart and education; and could then judge
whether their love would overbalance them.
There are many little nameless courtesies which are
offered instinctively to fellow-travellers by well-bred
and refined strangers, and also by those possessing na-
tive politeness and tact without the refining influences
of society, which greatly enhance the comfort and pleas-
ure of either a long or short journey.
An English writer in a late London Magazine says : —
" One is apt to hear in this country unfavorable com-
ments upon American manners, and it is true that they
may often be found not altogether consonant with the
highest grace or finish ; but a stranger may travel from
Maine to California, or from the great lakes to the Gulf
of Mexico, with very tolerable certainty that he will
never encounter the slightest wilful impoliteness unless
he himself gives occasion for it."
This is a high meed of praise, and comes from a
source not apt or inclined to bestow it upon us.
LETTERS OF HfTRODUCTION.
If a friend asks you for a letter of introduction, be
sure to give it unsealed, because he might desire to
know what are its contents ; and he should be at liberty
to ascertain them.
Always write such a letter upon the best of note pa-
per, and use an envelope to correspond, and of a fash-
ionable size and shape. An attention to these trifles is
not only desirable but also respectable. If the letters
relate to business, you should deliver them without de-
lay. K they are intended to introduce you as a friend,
SALUTATIONS, LEAVE-TAKING, ETC. 43
it is well to either deliver them in person, as soon as
possible, or send them in an envelope with your card
and address.
The last method is more desirable, however, because
you might call at an inopportune season, or not find the
family or person at home ; at any rate it gives you less
embarrassment.
The person to whom you were introduced should
call in the course of two or three days, and it is your
place to return it within three or four days and certain-
ly within the week.
If an invitation to dinner or supper is given, be sure
to accept it, and make a ceremonious or social call in
two or three days afterwards. Circumstances will con-
trol the nature of your call. Strict attention to these
little punctilios is all important, and their non-observ-
ance is always a subject of comment, and frequently de-
termines your position in society.
You may receive a letter of introduction through
the post, stating that a family, much esteemed by the
writer, are coming to reside near you, and requesting
your kindly attentions to them.
Now it is your place to answer this letter directly^
and express your desire to attend to the wishes of your
friend. And then you should call immediately upon
the family thus presented to your notice. For a neg-
lect to do this would stigmatize you as an ill-bred per
son, and no subsequent civilities would efiace the im-
pression.
When you are requested to call upon strangers, po-
liteness should inspire you to do so without delay. You
may not desire an intimate acquaintance, and if so, you
need not invite them to dinner or tea; it is not abso-
44 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
lutely essential ; but yet it is considered an act of hos
pitality and good- will.
But if you invite them, do not give the invitation as
if it were a matter of duty, rather than of inclination
and pleasure.
We cannot tell how mind acts upon mind, but it is
one of the mysteries of our being that it does so, and
your disinclination may be perceived, if not defined.
Therefore it is your duty to make strangers feel at
home by a cordial manner, which diffuses animation and
ease, and by kindly looks, which drive timidity away,
and makes one feel confident and happy.
If this manner is wanting, there is an undefinable re-
straint cast over the whole party, and however correct
may be your demeanor, however elegant and graceful
your gestures and attitude, its chilhng influence will be
visible upon your guests.
Do not judge, my friends, that these little forms and
observances are too trifling for your regard.
It may appear of no consequence whether your letter
of introduction is written on fine note-paper, and in your
best style, or the reverse ; whether you call directly upon
those who bring you letters of introduction, or wait a
week or ten days ; or whether you are in the parlor
ready to receive expected guests ; or out walking, dri-
ving, or sauntering in the garden. Such trifles, howev-
er, are not immaterial and upon your attention to them
will, frequently, depend your reputation for politeness
or impoliteness, in the circle in which you move.
CHAPTER IV.
vabTjB etiquette. — flowers for the Tumble.—
DOING THE HONORS OF THE TABLE. —GENERjLL
CUSTOMS.— STOUT OF JL FRENCHMA.N.
♦* The turnpike road to people's hearts I find
Lies through their mouths, or I mistake mankind."
There are those among us who seem to think that if
one has enough food to satisfy the cravings of his appetite,
it matters little how it is served ; and they are inclined
to treat all suggestions in regard to table etiquette, and
other dietetic refinements, as mere frivolous affectations,
by which those who are rich and stylish endeavor to
place themselves above those who are poor and lowly.
When Charles Wesley advocated the adaptation of
the music of the opera to the sacred songs and music of
the church, he said : —
" I do not know why the devil should have all the
best tunes."
Neither do we know by what reason the rich should
claim all the refinements and elegancies of the table.
They are not always costly, and they do not require
much expenditure of time. A table can be set with
grace and elegance as expeditiously, and with no more
expense, than if the dishes are thro'svn on, as it were,
without any regard to symmetry or form. The chief dish
can be placed in front of the head of the house, and the
gi<le dishes well arranged at the right and the left; the
46 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
butter dish, ornamented with parsley, placed at the right
hand, with small plates to hold the butter, and flanked
by the wooden bread-platter with its light, wheaten loaf.
Moreover, it is no more expensive to have a dish
served at the left hand of your guest, so that he can
help himself with his right hand, than to have it brought
most awkwardly to his right side. There may be, how-
ever, an immediate gain of time in hurrying through
your daily repasts ; but the haste will surely be repaid to
you by dyspepsia and its hundred attendant ills.
A great deal of information can be given and re-
ceived at the table ; and each dish should be prolonged
with cheerful interludes of pleasant and social talk and
conversation. " Chatted food is half digested^^ is an
old proverb Avhich contains much good advice.
Our business men, as a general thing, bolt their food
as though it were a duty rather than a pleasure for them
to eat. The city man swallows his breakfast in the
greatest haste, often, however, reading the newspaper as
he eats, and allowing his brain no rest. At noon he
drops his pen and rushes out to a restaurant and ap-
peases his appetite in the shortest time possible, with
a confused mass of soup, meat, vegetables, and the inev-
itable pies of such places. Then hastens back to his
counting-room, and finishes the business he has on hand.
Never thinking that such a manner of eating is slowly
digging his grave.
At five or six he closes his desk, and leaves his office
or counting-room, and betakes himself home; and it is
to be hoped that then at least he enjoys his dinner in
quietness and peace.
The dweller in the country takes his food in a similar
style, thinking that he requires only time enough to
TABLE ETIQUETTE, ETC. 47
satisfy his hunger at every meal ; and often finishes hia
enormous plateful of meat, etc., pie or pudding, before
his wife and daughters who have been engaged in sup-
plying his wants have half finished their repast.
We believe that sociability is an essential element of
both a pleasant and a digestible meal; and we protest
emphatically against the habits which we, as a nation,
have contracted.
These habits are also one cause of the great increase
of sudden deaths which startle us so sadly, and which
are far more prevalent among men than among women,
who usually indulge in more time and more conversa-
tion while eating.
The sudden announcement of bad news, or the
occurrence of anything to annoy or distress the mind,
will take away one's appetite entirely.
Now this fact shows us that the mind should be in
a quiet, gentle, and cheerful condition when one is satis-
fying the cravings of nature, and also that enjoyment is
highly conducive to a good appetite and digestion.
" A man's body and his mind are like a jerkin, and a
jerkin's lining; rumple the one, you rumple the other."
So both the brain and the stomach must be at ease to
enable the latter to perform its functions perfectly.
Therefore let us beg of you, never to swallow your
food in silence, nor to brood over your business aifairs
while eating ; but lead the conversation to genial, kind
and cheering topics.
Don't find fault with this, that and the other dish ;
don't bring disagreeable subjects into your conversa-
tion ; but make these daily meetings of the family a de-
light and pleasure to all, and let each one take a part in
tlie conversation.
48 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
HI nature is the parent of ill manners, and new jjsre
does it exhibit its repulsiveness more hideously than at
the table. We should encourage conversation among
cm- children ; and it is a good plan to let each child re-
late at the dinner-table something which he has done
or seen since breakfast.
And this is a pastime which could be made of ad
vantage to the whole family ; yet all scandalous remarks
and observations concerning the neighbors' affairs should
be forbidden.
The demeanor at the table betokens the lady or gen-
tleman; and the conduct of children also exemplifies with
unerring certainty the character of their home training.
There should always be perfect neatness and clean-
liness in the persons and attire of those sitting at table,
and waiting upon the table, as well as in the arrange-
ments.
There is, however, a great dissimilarity of the behav-
ior and of the tables of families who frequent the same
social circle.
At one house you will meet with a faultlessly laid
table, surrounded with all the courtesy and elegance
that education and refinement can bestow ; while at an-
other, the table has no decent appointments, as if the
viands are good and well served, the spirit of evil will
turn them to bitterness; fully proving Solomon's proverb,
that " Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than cb
stalled ox and hatred therewith^ The more good com-
pany you invite to your table, the better it is for your
children ; for every intelligent conversation held there
is an educator for them ; and one can often judge of the
hospitality of a family by the refinement, intelligence,
and appropriate demeanor of the children to whom well-
TABLE ETIQUETTE, ETC. 49
bred guests and their conversation have imparted much
information.
" The stomach," Sir Astley Cooper informs us, " is
not a wedgewood mortar, but a living organism which
can withstand a great deal of use, but does not willingly
endure abuse."
FLOWERS FOR THE BREAKFAST-TABLE.
We like to have our breakfast-tables bright and at-
tractive, glittering with silver or plated ware, and snowy
white with napery ; and we must have some flowers or
leaves, if only a small spray, a bit of ivy, holly or ever-
green, for it will serve as an appetizer.
A cluster of fragrant roses, a bunch of lilies, etc.,
greatly enhances our breakfast comfort ; and we think
if wives would but try the influence of them, they would
not so often have reason to complain of the crustiness
of their husbands and sons.
A crusty roll, fresh from the oven, has its merits,
possesses attractions — but a crusty husband !
Alas ! words fail to portray him. The genial Essay-
ist, Leigh Hunt, says : —
" Set flowers on your table, a whole nosegay if you
can get it, or but two or three, or a single flower, a rose,
a pink, a daisy.
"Bring a few daisies or buttercups from your last field
work, and keep them alive in a little water ; preserve
but a bunch of clover, or a handful of flowering grass —
one of the most elegant of nature's productions — and
you have something on your table that reminds you of
God's creation, and gives you a link with the poets that
have done it most honor.
" Put a rose, or a lily, or a violet upon your table, and
50 A. MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
you and Lord Bacon have a custom in common ; for this
wise man was in the habit of having the flowers in sea-
son set upon his table, we believe, morning, noon, and
night, that is to say, at all his meals, seeing that they
were growing all day.
"Now here is a fashion that will last you forever, if you
please, and never change with silks, and velvets, and sil-
ver forks, nor be dependent upon the caprice of some
fine gentleman or lady who have nothing but caprices
and changes to give them importance and a sensation.
" Flowers on the morning table are especially suit-
able. They look like the happy wakening of the
creation ; they bring the perfume of the breath of na-
ture into your room ; they seem the very representa-
tive and embodiment of the very smile of your home,
the graces of good-morrow; proofs that some intellect-
ual beauties are in ourselves, or those about us ; some
Aurora (if we are so lucky as to have such a compan-
ion) helping to strew our life with sweetness, or in our-
selves some masculine qualities not unworthy to possess
such a companion not unlikely to gain her."
DOING THE HONORS OF THE TABLE.
This is one of the pleasing duties of the housekeep-
er ; and the manner in which she performs it increases
or diminishes much of the comfort attending a well-fur-
nished table.
Some persons will urge every dish upon their guests
with an annoying importunity, while others will neglect
even the ordinary civilities, and complacently declare
that they never learned how to wait upon people, and,
if they can't help themselves, they may fare badly.
Others, again, will help you without any reference to
TABLE ETIQUETTE, ETC. 51
your peculiar tastes. For instance, there are those who
will deluge your plate with gravy, when you may par-
ticularly object to it; or Avill give you well done meat,
cut in thick slices, when your palate delights in very
thin slices of deliciously rare meat, and vice versa.
And still others will help you so abundantly that
the overflowing condition of your plate destroys your
appetite, while a small quantity would have increased it.
A certain amount of tact and quiet attention to your
guests and children is greatly essential to the successful
performance of the role of mistress or master of table
ceremonies.
One should attend to the needs and comforts of each
person, and exercise some care and judgment in supply-
ing their wants. These are the first requisites of table
etiquette, and they should be accomplished without bus-
tle, or leaving the table ; for there is nothmg more
detrimental to table etiquette than to see two or three
children, or the host or hostess, start up from the table
to obtain this or that article.
The greatest care should be taken to see that every-
thing that is requir-^d for the rej>ast is placed upon the
table before sitting down ; but if anything is needed, or
dishes are to be removed for the dessert at dinner
(which is always essential for a well-ordered table), if a
servant is not in attendance, ask one of the family to
obtain it for you, but never allow two children to run
after it, or leave the table yourself
GEKERAL CUSTOMS.
There are other things, however, which are equally
disagreeable : such as reaching across your neighbor for
a dish or condiment, instead of asking him to pass it to
52 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
you, and putting your knife into the butter-plate, oi
your fork into the shaved beef, or the potatoes, and taking
the salt from the salt-cellar at your plate with your fin<>-ers.
When you send your plate to be replenished, place
your knife and fork upon one side of it, or cross them
upon it, or put them upon your piece of bread.
Never take a bit of sugar from the bowl with your
fingers; but use them when you take a piece of bread
cake, and the like, also an olive, unless an olive-fork is
provided.
Avoid the old-fashioned habit of never taking the
last piece of anything which remains upon a dish, not
doing this would indicate that you feared the vacancy
could not be supphed.
If a plate be handed you at table, you should
always keep it, and not offer it to your neighbor as was
considered polite in " ye olden tymes."
Your host knows whom he desires to wait upon
first, and it is a poor comphment to him to seem to
reprove his selection.
When served, do not wait until all the others are
helped, but as soon as your plate is placed before you,
take up your knife and fork, help yourself to salt, first
arranging your napkin to shield your attire, but not
wearmg it like a bib about your neck. And, of course,
you will never commit the solecism of putting your
knife into your mouth.
This last is a rule which should never be deviated
from, and the almost universal custom of using four-
lined forks, makes it quite as easy to eat with a fork as
a knife.
We have heard this custom denounced as " absurd
and ridiculous" — as "similar to eating soup with a
TABLE ETIQUETTE, ETC. 53
knitting-needle," or " sipping tea with a liair-pin " — but
still must mention that the taste of a steel knife is very
obnoxious, no matter how high its polish, and e^'en a
silver knife is better for dividing the food into portions,
than for carrying it to the mouth.
Most of us, unless accustomed to the niceties of
good-breeding, until they have become as of second
nature to us, are liable to commit some errors through
ignorance of table etiquette, and the following story
from the French illustrates the point :
The Ahhe Cosson^ a professor in the College Mazarin^
was an accomplished literateur^ saturated with Greek
and Latin, and coiisidered himself a perfect well-spring
of science; and had no conception that a man who
could recite pages of Persius and Horace by heart, couf,
possibly be ignorant of table etiquette.
He dined one day at Versailles, with the Ahhe de
Radojivilliers, in company with several courtiers and
marshals of France ; and after dinner, when the talk ran
upon the etiquette and customs of the table, he boasted
of his intimate acquaintance with the best dining-out
usages of society.
The Ahhe Delllle listened to his account of his own
good manners for a while, but then interrupted his
harangue, and offered to wager that at the dinner just
served, he had committed at least a hundred errors or
improprieties.
'''■Comment est-il possihlef'' demanded the Abb6.
" I did exactly like the rest of the company."
" Quelle ah&urdite I " exclaimed the other. " You
did a hundred things which no one else did."
"First, when you sat down at the table, what did
you do with your napkin ? "
54 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
" Mj napkin ? Why, just what everybody else did,
I unfolded it and fastened it to my button-hole."
" Ah ! my dear friend," said Delille, " you were the
only one of the party who did that. No one hangs his
napkin up in that style ; they content themselves with
placing it across their knees."
"And what did you do when you were served to
soup?"
" Like the others, surely. I took my spoon in my
right hand and my fork in the left — "
" Your fork ! who ev6r saw any one eat bread out of
their soup-plate with a fork, before ? "
" After your soup, what did you eat ?"
" A fresh egg.^^
" And what did you do with the shell?"
" Handed it to the servant."
" Without breaking it ? "
" Yes, without breaking it up, of course."
"Ah! my dear Abbe, nobody ever eats an egg with-
out breaking the shell afterwards," exclaimed Abbe De-
lille.
" And after your egg — ? "
" I asked the Abbi Radonvilliers to send me a piece
of the hen near him."
" Bless my soul ! a piece of the hen ? One should
never speak of hens out of the hennery. You should
have asked for a piece of fowl or chicken. But you say
nothing about your manner of asking for wine ? "
" Like the others, I asked for claret and cham-
pagne."
*' Let me inform you that one should always ask for
claret w'lne^ and champagne icine. But how did you eat
your bread ? "
TABLE ETIQUETTE, ETC. 55
" Surely, I did that comme il faut. I cut it with my
knife into small mouthfuls, and ate it with my fingers."
" Bread should never be cut, but always broken with
the fingers. But the cofiee, how did you manage that ? "
" It was rather too hot, so I poured a little of it into
my saucer, and drank it."
" Well, there you committed the greatest error.
You should never pour either cofiee or tea into your
saucer, but always let it cool, and drink it from the cup."
The Abbe was decidedly convicted of ignorance of
the usages of polite society, and was deeply mortified.
But he had been taught that one might be master
of the seven sciences, yet there was another science
which, if less dignified, was no less important, and that
was the etiquette of the table.
This little incident occurred over forty years ago.
but with one or two exceptions its advice can apply at
the present time.
CHAPTER V.
DINNETt-PA R TIES. — JNVITA TTONS. — KUMB ER OF'
O UE:STS. — TAB LE AJIRANGEMMNTS. — C USTOMS.
" Of all api)eals— although I grant the power of pathos, and of gold,
Of beauty, flattery, threats, a shilling— no
Method's more sure at moments to take hold,
Of the best feelings of mankind, which grow
More tender, as we every day behold,
Than that all-softening, ovei-powering knell.
The tocsin of the soul— the dinner-bell ! "
The modern dinner-table is thought, by many per-
sons, to a])proach as nearly to its ancient Greek proto-
type as is possible, with the widely different character
of the two periods.
To be sure our personal preparations for the repast
are not quite equal to those of the Athenian standard ;
for although our belles, and ladies in general, may con-
sume a great deal of time and money in arraying theii
toilettes for such festivities, yet those of the sterner
sex do not adorn their heads with garlands of flowers,
and anoint their bodies with fragi-ant unguents ; nor
carry doves, bedewed with perfume, in the folds of
their robes ; nor loll upon golden and pearl and ivory
couches amid soft silken pillows ; and there are no slaves
to fan us Avith peacocks' feathers, nor to swing censers
redolent with the sweets of Araby the Blest, over our
heads.
DINNER-PARTiES, ETC. 57
Neither do we summon our own lute-players, or
flutists, to soothe us with the sweet strains of their in-
struments ; nor are ballet-dancers introduced to charm
us with their grace and beauty ; yet we have learned the
art of elegance and repose, and comprehend also the art
of ease and quiet, quite as much as did the ancient Greeks
and Romans ; and although we cannot vie with the mu-
nificence of Nero, who, it is said, expended the incredible
sum of $120,000 for the flowers for one entertainment
still our fashionable ladies do purchase a very large
amount of flowers for their dinner-parties, and make the
air of their apartments odorous with the mingled per-
fumes of roses and lilies, myrtles and mignonette, etc.
But Cleopatra, at a feast given to Mai'k Antony, or-
dered the banquet-hall to be strewn knee-deep with
roses; and fabulous sums were often lavished upon per-
fumes and flowers at all the ancient entertainments of
both Greeks and Romans.
Our modern dinners are a great improvement, how-
ever, upon the hospitality of our forefathers, who, in lieu
of our dainty dishes, hot-house fruits, and bright, sweet
flowers, rejoiced in immense tureens of soup, and huge
platters of fish served with their heads on, and with
widely gaping mouths and large, round white eyes;
and they were followed by the crispy brown roasted
pig, placed upon the platter so as to resemble life, while
In its open mouth appeared an ear of coni or a lemon ;
and also their smoking saddles of venison and mutton,
and steaming juicy sirloins of beef, diflered generally
from our fine roasts and toothsome ragouts and broils.
The host, then too, arose in his might, sharpened
his knife, and proceeded to cut and slice the beef, or to
carve the haunch of venison, etc. ; and the conversation
58 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
frequently ran upon the delicionsness of " the alderman'^
walk^\ or ^^ the j^ope's 7wse;" and, if fowls were served,
upon the dexterity with which the carver could articu-
late the side bones.
And each guest w^as urged to eat to repletion ; and
again and again the plates were filled to overflowing
with luscious slices of rarely-done meats, and their
crispy, succulent bones and fat. And you must drink
w^hether it pleased you to do so or not; and the glasses
were often refilled while you drank to the health of
this person or that, while to refuse to do so was con
sidered an insult. Such feasts ai-e within the memory
of many men now living, but let us hope that our chil-
dren may never return to them. Yet we know that
there are some admirers of these old customs, who may
regret that demonstratively hospitable period, for the
obsolete always finds some faithful followers to sing
its praises ; and there are many who delight in
grumbling at the fashions of the day, and love to de-
ride our diners a la Russe, where all the solid dishes are
handed around by servants, after being cai-ved at a side
table, and only the dessert, and lovely dishes of silver
and crystal, filled with fruits and fiowers, are to be seen
upon the dhmer-table.
Such dinners they may pronounce as mere flum-
mery and "kickshaws," but the partakers of them will
not often endorse their opinion, nor desire to return
to the antique fashions of 1773.
It has been stated that the social })rogress of a com-
munity is in direct proportion to the number of its din-
ner-parties ; and in all ages they have doubtless been pro-
ductions of a friendly relationship betwixt nations, and the
more intimate friendship of the cultivated and refined.
59
Napoleon recognized this truth, and willingly paid
for the expensive dinners given by Cambaceres, one of
the most distinguished statesmen as well as gowmands
of France.
When the Duke of Wellington commanded the allied
armies at Paris, Cambaceres invited him to dinner, and
helping him to some especially delicious dish, said he
trusted he would find it to his taste.
" Very good, very good," replied the Duke ; " but
really I care little what I eat." ::
^^ Bo7i Dieu ! ^'' exclaimed Cambaceres, startled out --
of the pro})rieties of the occasion at such an announce- T^
ment, " Don't care what you eat 1 What did you come '^^
here for, then?"
ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.
Assuming that you are invited to a dinner or even-
ing-party, one of the most reasonable rules of etiquette
demands that you should return a prompt reply. And
this rule does not admit of questioning, because at a
dinner-party, the invitations are naturally limited, and
the hostess will desire to fill your place if you decline ;
while at an evening-party, an exact list of the number
of guests is desirable, so that suitable provision can be
made for their entertainment.
Where any doubt exists in reference to your ability
to accept an invitation to dinner, it is usually better to
decline it at once, unless peculiar circumstances exist;
but for an evening-party, it is as well to accept it, and
if circumstances arise to prevent your attendance, you
should send a polite note of explanation and regrets, as
soon as possible. If your dinner-party is a very cere-
monious one, the invitations should be sent out at least
S>
60 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
a week before tlie appointed day; if an evening-party
ten days or a fortnight previous is quite en regie.
The usual formula, which can be either written or
printed, runs thus: "Mr. and Mrs. request the
pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. 's company at — o'cbck
on .
" B. 8. V. P.
" Reply if you please.""
A formal acceptance should read thus : —
" Mr. and Mrs. accept with pleasure Mr. and
Mrs. 's invitation to dinner at — o'clock on ."
If you have accepted the invitation, and illness or
Bome mischance makes it impossible for you to be pres-
ent, be sure to infoi-m your hostess of the fact as soon
as it is possible to do so.
A few words will make every difference between a
polite regret or its reverse.
Thus, if you write : —
"Mr. and Mrs. regret that they cannot accept
Mr. and Mrs. 's invitation for evening," it woul(?
sound abrupt and curt ; but if you write : —
" Mr. and JVlrs. regret extremely that they cannot
accept Mr. and Mrs. 's kind invitation for ■
evening," it is all that is required.
All replies to invitations are addressed in the name
of both lady and gentleman in the note ; but the en-
velope should be addressed to the lady alone.
If invitations are sent out ten days in advance, they
should be answered within two or three days, so that if
regrets are sent, the hostess can invite others to fill their
places, and if you do not attend to this promptly, you
place yourself in a position to be styled ill-bred; for
no private house in this country is of such proportions
61
that it lias not a limit to the number of guests it can en-
tertain with comfort; and it is impolite to your hostess
not to allow her to have an accurate knowledge of the
number of guests she may hope to receive.
KUMBEK OF GUESTS, ETC.
It is an old saying that the number of guests at a
dinner-party should never be " more than that of the
Muses (9), or less than the Graces (3)."
Brillat Savarin^ a French writer of distinction, says :
" Let not the number of your guests exceed twelve."
And other authorities tel] us that eight is the happy
number, and still others, that " ten friends is the largest
number that should ever assemble around one table."
Now we have sat at table with twenty, and even
thirty, and found the dinner most enjoyable, and " the
feast of reason and flow of soul " were not interrupted
by the large number.
The ominous number of thirteen^ however, is es-
chewed by many diners-out, not only in this country,
but in every land in Christendom; and it is quite
impossible to persuade some persons to sit at table
when thirteen are present, on account of the prevalent
belief that one of the number will surely die before the
year is out.
We have no faith in this idea, but think it arises
from the number being unusually large, and the likeli-
hood that out of so many one may be called to exchange
worlds before a twelvemonth can pass by.
On the European continent this fatal number is
attributed to the occasion of the Last Supper, when
Josus sat at meat with his twelve disciples, and declared
62 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE,
unto them, " This night one of you shall betray me."
And ever since that time it has been considered un-
lucky for thirteen to sit down together at any meal.
Such prejudices are beyond our comprehension,
yet we all know very sensible people who adopt them
as their own, and will not be persuaded that there can
be no more fatality attending the sitting at dinner with
thirteen than with thirty.
ARRAi^^GEME]S"TS OF THE TABLE.
"It has been well said that if you ask a man to
dinner, you are responsible for his happiness during the
time he remains under your roof; " and that "he who
asks his friends to dinner, and gives no personal atten-
tion to tlie arrangements of the dinner, is unworthy to
have any friends."
The decoration and adornment of the dinner-table is
also a very essential i)art of the dinner, and it can seldom
be left to the care of the servants, unless they are par-
ticularly Avell-trained ; therefore if a caterer does not
provide the dinner with its ornaments and flowers, it
should be the especial care of the hostess to attend to
them.
In the arrangement of the centre-piece care must be
taken that it does not occu})y too much space, to the
exclusion of the dishes of the dessert, and also that it is
not so high as to prevent those opposite from being
seen.
One does not enjoy dining behind a broad, thick
shrubbery of leaves and flowers, which completely con-
ceals the opposite guests.
Gracefully shaped epergnes^ composed of crystal and
63
silver, are very stylish, and when arranged with low
plates, or branches and shallow dishes, to hold bon-bons,
fruits, flowers, aad ferns, artistically mingled, the effect
is always pleasing to the eye.
A block of ice, one foot square (or 12 inches by 18
inches), placed upon a silver salver, or even upon a com-
mon wa'ter, but so imbedded in moss, trailing vines,
and bright flowers, that its pedestal does not appear, is
a very desirable centre ornament for the dinner-table,
because, as it melts away, its cooling vapors produce a
pleasant influence upon the atmosphere, which frequently
becomes overheated with the mingling of hot viands,
and the blazing of gas-lights ; but the trickling of the
water should be confined to the base of the ice.
The china and silvershops offer many lovely de-
vices for the adornment of the dinner-table, and with
the aid of the florist, it can be made rarely beauti-
ful *ai]d attractive. Small bouquets are often placed
upon the napkin of each guest; and many of the dishes
can -be decorated with tastefully arranged leaves and
flowers.
Each guest should have ample space at table, so as
to eat his dinner without being crowded ; and it is an
important point to dispose of them properly. In this
country there is less distinction of rank and position
than in England or France; but yet there is a Brahmin-
ical caste which makes itself felt.
At stylish dinner-parties, an ornamented card, taste-
fully designed with flowers in water-colors, or a wreath
of green ferns, is often laid upon each plate with the
gentleman's or lady's name written upon it ; and the
host asks each gentleman to take the lady he designates
down to dinner. When the servant announces that
64 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
" dinner is served," the host gives his right arm to the
lady whose rank, age, or position as a stranger guest,
entitles her to the precedence, and leads the way to the
dining-room; and the hostess often invites the most dis-
tinguished gentleman, or the greatest stranger present,
to escort her to the table, and frequently begs her guests
to precede her.
She seats herself, and motions her escort to the seat
upon her right, and the gentlemen and ladies are duly
informed of their positions at the table.
A gentleman is placed on each side of the hostess,
while the host seats a lady at his right and left hand,
and the remainder of the guests are so disposed that if
possible a gentleman and lady alternate on each side of
the table. Two, three, or four servants are often seen
at a stylish dinner-party of from nine to twelve guests.
Raw oysters or clams upon the shells are usually the
first course. Then follows soup, of which every one
partakes. At large dinners there will often be two
kinds of soup ; one should be dark-colored, the other
white, and you can take your choice ; also two kinds
of fish, and then roast beef, or mutton, or both are
served, while fowls and wild game and entremets fol-
low, sometimes through innumerable courses. And
the dessert is often ended with crackers, or bread and
cheese, served after every other dainty dish has been
05*6 red.
It was formerly the custom for ladies to retire after
the dessert, so as to permit the gentlemen to drink
deeply, and indulge in coarse jokes and conversation;
but we take our table manners now from the Parisians
rather than from the Londoners, and gentlemen and
ladies resort to the drawing-room en compagnie^ and
ETC. 65
both the ceremonious and social dinners have lost
somewhat of the distinctive feature which pandered to
the brutal instincts of the one, while it rasped the more
delicate sentiments of the other.
The custom of ladies retiring after the various
courses were served, was a relic of a barbarous age
but now it is not considered a social virtue to drink
deeply ; and the more refined portion of the community-
adopt the practice of all rising together from the din-
ner-table ; if desirable, some of the gentlemen resort to
the smoking room or library to indulge in a cigar, while
coffee is served to the rest in the drawing-room.
The constant presence of ladies on the European
Continent has been productive of a greater refinement
of manner than the United States can as yet lay claim
to ; and a more intimate association of the two sexes
would doubtless prove a mutual benefit.
If women shared more closely in the business and
thoughts of practical men, it would tend to make them
more matter-of-fact ; while men, by a nearer contact
with refined women, would become more refined.
The Club cannot be supported in France, Germany,
and Italy, because in those countries men prefer the
company of their wives and daughters when they indulge
in social amusements. Therefore the cafes^ and the parks,
and gardens are preferred to an institution which only
admits of male members. And we think that this pref-
erence is well-founded ; for nothing can be more inju-
rious to the purity of character of our young men than
this habit of seeking diversions in resorts of pleasure
where it would not be proper to introduce a wife or a
Bister.
Thackeray tells
66 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
" One of the greatest benefits a young man may do-
rive from women's society is that he is bomid to be
respectful to them. The habit is of gi-eat good to your
moral man, depend upon it. Our education makes ua
the most eminently selfish men in the world. We fight
for ourselves ; we push for ourselves ; we cut the best
slices out of the joint at the club dinners for ourselves;
we yawn for ourselves, and light our pipes, and say we
won't go out ; we prefer ourselves and our ease ; and
the greatest good that comes to a man from woman's
society is, that he has to think of somebody besides
himself — somebody to Avhom he is bound to be con-
stantly attentive and respectful.
" Certainly I don't want my dear Bob to associate
with those of the other sex whom he doesn't and can't
respect ; that is worse than billiards, worse than tavern
brandy and water, worse than smoking selfishness at
home. But I vow I would rather see you turning ovei
the leaves of Miss Fiddlecombe's music book all night
than at billiards, or smoking, or brandy and water, or
all three."
But, revenons d nos montons^ and excuse us for wan-
dering so far from the subject under discussion, al-
though we have introduced one which still might lay
claim to a little of one's attention and thoughts.
After returning from the dining-room, the company
entertain themselves with conversation, music, cards,
etc., often until a late hour of retiring.
Supposing that you are keeping house, and are de-
sirous of inviting a few friends to dinner, a few more
general rules may not prove unacceptable.
In selecting your guests you should endeavor to invite
those whose society would be agreeable to each other.
ETC. 67
/Savarin gives good advice upon this point ; he says
'The guests invited to a dinner should be so selected
that their occupations shall be varied, their tastes anal-
ogous, and with such points of contact that there shal
be no necessity for the odious formality of presenta
tions.
" The young and the old, the lively and the reserved,
should be so mingled as to form an agreeable whole — >
the one amusing, the other being amused."
Were a social dinner-party to be composed entirely
of one profession, the conversation could not be of such
diversity as when lawyers, doctors, ministers, and mer-
chants, are met together.
The size of your dining-room and the limits of your
table will determine, in a measure, the number of your
guests; and, if possible, you should invite an equal num-
ber of gentlemen and ladies — unless the party is given
wholly to gentlemen, when the lady of the house does
not appear, but the nearest gentleman friend of the fam-
ily takes her place.
In many families the master and mistress sit oppo-
site, at the middle of the table, so that they can attend
more especially to all their guests ; and either one of
the daughters or the sons of the family occupy the end
seats. At a large dinner this is by far the best arrange-
ment.
White kid gloves are always worn at large dinner-
parties, but are taken off before the knife and fork are
brought into requisition ; some ladies, however, prefer
black net mitts, which need not be removed.
When the guests are seated, the soup is served by
the servants ; or, if the dinner is an informal one, the
tureen is placed in front oi' the hostess, and she sends
6S A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
the plates by the servants, first to the right and then to
the left, until all at the table are served.
No one asks for soup or fish twice ; and the hostess
does not offer to replenish your plate, because by so do-
ing, part of the company are usually kept waiting for
the next course.
Sometimes the plates of soup are put upon the table
before the guests are sealed ; and, when only one ser-
vant is employed, this is a very good plan to adopt.
Oysters and clams in the shells are served before the
soup, if at all, and they can also be put in place before
the guests are summoned.
At stylish dinners a handsomely printed or written
bill of fare is laid upon each napkin.
Beside the napkin should be placed a tiny braided
roll, or a square of three inches of bread, a tumbler, and
three glasses — one for claret wine, one for madeira or
sherry, and one for champagne. Two large knives and
forks are needed, knives at the right and forks at the
left of the plate, also a soup spoon ; and when the des-
sert Is served, a silver knife, fork and spoon are placed
upon the dessert plate, with a glass finger-bowl and doi-
ly. On taking this, the guest places the knife and spoon
at the right side, and the fork at the left, and spreads
•ihe doily at the left, placing the finger-bowl upon it,
ind when the repast is finished, he dips his fingers
quietly into the bowl and dries them upon his napkin.
In serving a dinner in the Russian style, which is
quite d la mode in the United States, the meats, etc.,
are not handed around until tney have been carved,
then the servants pass them to the left hand of each
person. Vegetables are served in a similar manner, and
then the various sauces and pickles follow.
ETC. 69
It is usually considered a mark of good-breeding
to take the same wine as that which is selected by the
person who pays you the compliment of asking to drink
a glass with him. Should, however, the wine not be
desired by you, you are at liberty to courteously de-
cline it.
One of the greatest privileges of the present age s
liberty of opinion, and if you are disinclined to drink
wine you can avail yourself of it.
It is not so customary now, as it was in former
times, to drink healths ; but the servant passes the wine,
and you accept or decline it at your pleasure. If you
do not drink it, quietly cover the top of your glass with
your fingers, and say, " Please, excuse me."
A gentleman once responded thus when his health
was drank :—
" Gentlemen, — You have been pleased to drink my
health with wine ; for the former I thank you, to the lat-
ter you are welcome. Your drinking me will do me no
harm ; drinking it will do you no good. I do not take
wine, because I am determined wine shall not take me.
You are most daring, but I am most secure. You have
courage to tamper with and flatter a dangerous enemy
I have courage to let him alone. We are both brave,
but our valor hath opposite qualities. I do not drink
your healths ; my doing so would be no more generous
than giving change for a shilling.
" I would rather drink your diseases ; would rather
root out from you whatever is wrong and prejudicial to
your happiness. Suppose when I lift bread or water to
my lips I exclaim, ' Here's luck to you 1 ' all the luck
attending the action would come to me, in the mouthfu
of br^ead or drink I should take. But if in the partia.
70 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
adoption of society's customs, I take oiDportunity to
scatter a few good ideas which may gjvern your lives
hereafter, then there is luck to you, and to all of us. In
that way I thank you for your cordiality."
THE DESSEET.
The table cloth is rarely removed for dessert now,
because large napkins are placed under any dishes
which would be liable to soil the cloth, and are easily
removed with the last course ; while the tasteful adorn-
ments of flowers, fruits, and bon-bons, are not so easily
displaced as formerly.
Your demeanor at the dinner-table, and indeed
everywhere else in life, should be easy and perfectly
composed.
Speak in low tones and quietly, and endeavor to
show that you were " to the manner born."
Wear a pleasant face, but do not laugh continually ;
yet even that is better than a sour and forbidding as-
pect. Avoid being " fussy " either with your guests or
your servants, for fussiness originates quite as much in
selfishness, as from an ignorance of the laws of polite-
ness and good-breeding.
BERVAin'S.
It is a very important point to have well-trained
waiters, for, if they do not understand their duties, a
good share of your comfort at the table is destroyed.
Teach them yourself, when there is no company
present, to hand the dishes and plates, and turn out the
water at the left side of each person ; train them to fill the
tumblers without being asked for water, and to watch the
DINNER-PARTIES, ETC. 71
needs of every one. Do not dispense with any of the
little ceremonies of the table when you dine e7i famille^
and then your servants, being trained to do good service
every day, will not disappoint you when comj^any is
present.
Teach your girl to remove the soiled silver upon a
small waiter by itself; to take the soiled knives apou
a plate by themselves; and to take the plates, and
afterwards the platters and dishes; and to do it all
without any bustle or noise, but to move about quietly
and silently.
Make it a point that she shall always wear a clean
apron, and arrange hei" hair and dress tidily, and then
when friends come in unexpectedly, you will not be
mortified at your domestic arrangements.
TRIFLI^^Q AFFAIRS OF SOME IMPORTANCE.
These are trifles, you may think, but —
"Trifles, light as air, make up the sum
Of woman's happiness."
And domestic comfort and happiness depends upon
these things, far more than a young housekeeper often
comprehends.
Give your husband, when you dine alone, a well or-
dered table, well furnished and garnished ; and perhaps
you may find that it will not detract from the gentle-
ness of his disposition, nor the general peace of the
household.
Who can deny the potency of a dinner ! which fre-
quently will not only satisfy hunger, but soothe the
mind, assuage the daily raspings which men and women
72 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
are subjected to ; and frequently prove the truth of
these lines from Peter Pindar :
"Ven'son'B a Ccesar in the fiercest fray;
Turtle 1 an Alexander in its way ;
And then in quarrels of a slighter nature,
Mutton's a most successful mediator!
So much superior is the stomach's smart
To all the vaunted horrors of the heart;
E'en love, who often triumphs in his grief,
Hath ceased to feed on sighs, to pant on beef.'"
CUAI^TKR YI.
KWNINO ENTERTJLINMENIS, PAJtTlES, JLND BAJ^LS.
"Without good company, all dainties
Lose their true relish, and, like painted graijes,
Axe only seen, not tasted."
Anf evening-party is a scene redolent with beauty
and fashion ; the air is sweet with the mingled perfumes
of thousands of lovely flowers, arranged in baskets,
vases, flat dishes, festoons, wreaths, and also in beds of
mosses and ferns.
Indeed it seems like a scene of fairy enchantment,
and each one appears to vie with the other to render it
a most pleasing and enjoyable occasion. We read in
Cowper's Task that —
" She, who invites
Hex dear five hundred friends, contemns them all.
And dreads their coming; they,— what can they lessT
With shrug and grimace hide their hate of her."
But we cannot subscribe to such cynical opinions ,
and fully believe that " she who invites her five hundred
friends " bestows a pleasure upon many, and contributes
greatly to their enjoyment.
The wisest of men has said "there is a time to make
merry, and there is a time to dance ; " and Jesus did not
consider it beneath his dignity and holiness to attend
the entertainments of his day.
If the party is simply an evening entertainment, an
4
74 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
intimation to that effect should be given upon the card
of invitation; but if it is a ball or dance it should also
be specified ; and in writing notes for a party, or having
them printed, it is well to give an idea of its size —
wliether it is a small party or a general one; so that
your guests can come dressed accordingly. We well
remember an anecdote tu tliis poiut:
A bride had recently moved into the street, ana a
neighbor gave a small party in her honor, but in the note
of invitation omitted to state that it was such; tnere-
fore the lady arrayed herself in costly wedding attire to
meet other ladies clad in black and colored high-neck,
and long-sleeved silk dresses.
Of course her pleasure and that of her husband's
was much disturbed.
The hour for evening-parties varies according to the
caprices of fashion, ^nd now it is quite late before the
guests assemble.
The lady of the house should provide two or more
dressing-rooms, with separate attendants for gentlemen
and ladies, who can assist in removing their outside
wraps, etc. When the company is very numerous, it is
well to provide numbered tickets, and as the articles
are taken by the servants, one ticket is affixed to them,
and one given to the owner.
Yet it is only at large public assemblies that the
guests would be sufficient for this practice. However,
it is a very desirable thing for each lady to carry a large
chintz bag, or a travelling bag, with the name written
upon it, to contain her wraps, overshoes, etc., and this
she can readily find when she desires to return home.
It is now the custom to provide a separate room fo?
coff'ee, chocolate, sandwiches, cakes, and the like, up
ETC. 75
stairs near the dressing-rooms, or down stairs near the
dancing-room, and attendants are ready to serve you at
any time.
When the guests descend into the parlors, their
first duty is to seek their hostess and host, who usually
stand near the entrance, and are ready to welcome their
friends with a bow and a smile, or a cordial shake of the
hand, according to their intimacy ; and after a few words
of greeting are exchanged, the guests move on to make
room for other visitors. If a gentleman accompanies a
lady to a party or dance, he should always wait at the
head of the stairs for her to come from the dressing-
room, and, descending the stairs first, he will be ready
to offer his arm in the hall, to escort the lady to the mis-
tress of the house.
When she has met with other acquaintances, it is
then proper to leave her for awliile, but politeness makes
it imperative upon him to attend to her needs, to see
that she is entertained, and has an escort to the supper-
table ; but if she is not either mother, wife or sister, it
is proper for you to wait upon her yourself to the sup-
per-room, and provide whatever she may fancy.
It is not considered strictly decorous for a husband
and wife to seek other's society in company; and we
learn from high authority that : — " A gentleman never
dances with his wife unless every one else in the qua-
drille does the same."
Yet we must confess that we can see no reason why
a gentleman should be debarred from dancing and A^altz-
ing with his wif<;, if to do so is a pleasure to one or both
parties.
Of course he need not dance with her constantly,
nor be her partner at the euchre or whist table ; but he
76 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
should not neglect any attentions that add to her com
fort, merely because she is his wife or relation.
In small private parties, where people meet for the
pleasure of conversation, one must move about .he
room, and converse with various persons, and not re-
main in one place as though they were fixed stars.
A polite hostess will ask her guests to change places
with her, in ordei* to sit by others, and also see that each
person has a chance to converse with others, and attend
to the entertainment and amusement of all present.
Meanwhile, she must not seek her own pleasure, but
only that of her visitors ; and must endeavor to arrange
matters so that they shall appear in their best condition
as well as in their best attire ; while she should wear a
quiet toilette, which will not outshine that of any of her
guests ; and she should be particular to show the same
attention to all her guests, unless strangers are present,
when she should gi\'e them a little more than she be-
stows upon others.
THE SUPPER-TABLE.
In these times, the mistress of the house has but
little to do with the furnishing of the supper-table, be-
cause it can be done so much more easily by a caterer.
Yet in the country such a })erson is not always read-
ily obtained, and then the lady will be forced to supply the
needed refreshments of salads, meats, ices, jellies, cakes,
rolls, coffee and lemonade, or wine. But as a usual
thing, let us beg of you to forget to supply the wine.
It is very undesirable to put temptation in the waj
of the weak ; and young persons require no other stim-
ulants than those of the society of others, the flowers,
music, and lights.
EVENING ENTERTAINMENTS, ETO. 77
" Look not upon the wine when it is red," is good
advice from the lips of one who knew its deceitful al-
lurements and devices.
•* Nor need we tell what anxioua cares attend
The turbulent mirth of wine ; nor all the kinds
Of maladies, that lead to death's grim cave,
Wrought by intemperance: joint-racking gout;
Intestine stone ; and pining atrophy,
Chill even when the sun with July heats
Fries the scorch'd soil; and dropsy all afloat,
Yet craving liquids."
When the Queens of Society will abolish the drink-
ing of wine at their evening-parties, and will banish
from their supper-rooms the wine glasses and the de-
canters, the champagne glasses and the " green seal "
bottles, a long step will have been taken towards the
suppression of drunkenness.
Women can do more in this matter than the law-
givers, because the traffic in liquor can only be sup-
pressed when those who consume it have learned the
errors of their ways, and turn aside from the glass.
And not until its hideousness is made apparent to the
world at large by women's dictum^ will men cease to
drink both in public and private. Legislation can never
abolish tliis wretched vice, but Public Opinion can
do it.
And not until wives and mothers refrain entirely
from offering wine at their entertainments — not uutil
sisters and friends cease from sharing the wine glass
with brothers and lovers — will the first steps towards a
reform be taken.
Every gentleman will ofier his arm to a lady when
the supper is served, and escort her to the table, and
Bee thai she is duly supplied with all the delicacies of
78 A MANUAL OF 1 i Jt^UETTB.
the season before he attend? to the demands of hia
own palate. After supper he mil escort the lady back
to the reception or ball-room, and two or three dances
often follow.
LEA VE-TA KING.
It is never desirable to remain until the last at an
evening-party, but is more conime il faut to be among
the earliest to bid adieu to the hostess ; yet, it is not
well to go too early, and be the means of breaking
up the party. But if your carriage is announced early,
or circumstances make it necessary for you to leave in
advance of othei'S, do so without exciting observation,
and make your adieus to your hostess or host, or both,
in a low voice ; but if they cannot easily be found, re-
tire quietly without bidding tlicm good-night.
To act otherwise denotes an inattention to the ob-
servances of society, and would seem to intimate to the
company that the party had lasted long enough.
If a general leave-taking takes place, be sure to take
the right hand in ascending or descending the staircase,
and you will thus avoid confusion.
This rule holds good in all public places and exhi-
bitions.
CALL WTTHIK A FEW DAYS.
It is a mark of good-breeding to call, if possible,
during the course of the week, or at least within a few
days, and express to your host and hostess the pleasure
you have received from the entertainment, and in a few
well-chosen words compliment them upon the beauty
of the arrangement of the rooms, the flowers, and the
Bupper, and also upon their selection of the company.
79
There are those who complain that they are never invited
to parties, and say that the world neglects them, and
they despise it, etc., etc.
Now would it not be well for them to take ;joth an
internal and exterior view of themselves, and see where
the fault lies, and judge whether they have endeavored
to make themselves agreeable, have been well-bred, po-
lite, and exhibited a courtliness of manner which made
their presence desirable on such occasions, and then let
them decide candidly whether they have not brought
upon themselves the neglect which angers them.
A DANCIXG- PARTY.
A ceremonious ball or dancing-party does not often
assemble before half-past nine or ten o'clock, and writ-
ten or printed notes of invitation are always sent out,
often three weeks before the specified time. Verbal
invitations are considered discourteous, unless in cases of
near relationship, or of great intimacy. And the an-
swers should be sent within two, three, or four days at
the longest.
At private dances a lady must not decline the invi-
tation of a gentleman to dance, unless she is previously
engaged, or does not intend to dance any more during
the evening. To do otherwise would be a tacit reflec-
tion upon the master and mistress of the house.
At a public ball, however, the master of ceremonies
or the floor managers regulate the dancing, and they
make many introductions, but should always remember
to request the lady's permission to do so, before intro-
ducing any gentleman to her.
Introductions at such places, one must remember,
can, if desired, cease with the occasion, and a lady is
80 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
free to pass her partner of the previous evening, the next
morning without the slightest recognition, and he has
no right to feel injured or annoyed.
Coui'tesy is always to be cultivated, however, and a
lady who knows her o^vn dignity, and possesses self-
respect, will not accept an introduction to a gentleman
and dance with him, unless she is willing to also accept
him as an acquaintance on the street. Young ladies
should always preserve a modest demeanor in dancing,
for it throws around them a halo of light and purity,
and it does not beseem them to display the science or
grace of an artiste.
If they dance with an ease and grace, without care-
less indifference, nor yet with an affectation of manner,
nor offensive hilarity, they can never make themselves
too conspicuous.
Yet do not dance with a sullen mien, let your face
wear a pleasant appearance, not a simpering smile, but
as it were enlivened with the music and the exercise.
The lady or the daughters of the house, usually open
the ball at a private party ; and the host or his sons also
lead off the dance with the greatest stranger, or the lady
whose position entitles her to the most attention.
Should the guests be very numerous, and the space
hardly sufficient for the dancers, it would be ill-bred for
the ladies of the house to dance often, but the gentlemen
should dance with those who are the least popular
among the lady dancers, and thus contribute to the gen-
eral pleasure of their guests.
When the dance is finished the gentleman offers his
arm to his partner, and leads her to a seat beside her
friends, or promenades through the room until the musio
for the next dance sounds, and her partner comes for her
EVENING ENTERTAINMENTS, ETC. 81
It is well to avoid such dances as are offensive to
refinement and good taste.
Sweet strains of entrancing music, brilliant lights,
and beautiful tiowers thro\vn a glamour over the ball-
room, and the gliding waltz, or fascinating polka, or
varsuvienne, are considered en regie.
Yet many wise papas and mammas object to theL
pretty daughters paitaking of these pleasm^es ; and one
often sees that when the best waltzer of the day marries,
his wife is not allowed to join the gay circle of the
waltz.
We, however, are among those who—
" Love to go and mingle with the young
In the gay, festal room, when every heart
Is beating faster than the meiry tune,
And their bright eyes are restless, and their lipa
, Parted with eager joy, and their round cheeks
Flush'd with the beautiful motion of the dance."
Yet still are so old-fashioned that we prefer to see,
or join in the quadrille rather than the so-called round
dances.
4*
CHAPTER Vn.
rJi:E PROPBIt FORMS OF ^I)T)JtFSS. — HOW TO WRTTB
jAj^n jinnitFss letters. — the giving of na.mes.
" Wliat's in a name T That -which we call a rose,
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Although we are a democratic nation, yet we can-
not deny that there is a great fondness for aristocratic
titles in our midst.
But the only ones recognized by American law
belong to the Chief Magistrate of the United States ;
to the Judges of the Supreme Court ; to the Members
of the Cabinet and to those of the Senate and House
of Representatives, and also to the chief officers of the
State Governments, executive, legislative, and judicial •
and to those who belong to the army and navy — such
as Major- Generals^ Generals^ Brigadier- Genefrah^ Coh
onels^ Majors, Captahis, and Lieuteiiants. The last
being the lowest grade, however, is not often mentioned
in address.
The President of the United States and the Ambas-
sadors to foreign countries are all addressed as " Your
Excellency^
And in addressing a letter to President Grant you
would write : —
" His Excellency, Gen. U. S. Grant, President of the
United States of America."
And the abbreviation Hon. should precede the name
PROPER FORMS OF ADDRESS, ETC. 83
of the Supreme Court Judges^ Mertibers of the Cahijiet
and of Congress, Governors of States, Judges, Mayors^
Aldertnen, and Common- Cou7icilmen.
The titles of Colonel, Major, and Captain are usually
given to those who have seen actual service in the field ,
with the exception of Governors' aids, who have a right
to the title of Colonel for life.
But these and other titles are rather too profusely
scattered in our country to render their possession of
much value ; and we are of the same opinion as that
which was expressed by a pompous young man, who,
having just graduated at a college with the honors of
valedictorian, was chosen Governor's aid, and when
given the title by a friend, said, with an expressive
gesture of the hand — " Plain Mr. Smith, if you please ;
I do not desire to be confounded with the common run
of Militia Colonels." The point of the story lies, how-
ever, in the fact that two of the most influential and re-
spected citizens of his town bore the despised militia title.
The title of ^^ Judge ^^ has also been greatly depre-
ciated by its indiscriminate use and continual applica-
tion in this country, while in England it is rarely uttered
in social conversation.
When in oflice the title may be appropriate, but
when that is laid aside, there surely is no need of re-
taining it.
THE ETIQUETTE OF -ADDRESS.
The professional title of ^^ Doctor'''' of Medicine
should never be omitted, for its professors desire to
have it as widely known as possible, to bring them pa-
tients. Yet Doctors of Divinity claim the same prefix,
and are usually spoken of and to, by their titles ; still, it
84 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
is better not to repeat them too frequently while con
versing with them; but they should always be writ-
ten in addressing a letter to them.
" Bight Reverend " is the proper address of a Bishop
of whatever denomination, and " Reverend^'' the dis-
tinction belongin'_^ to every clergyman.
The collegiate honor oi Doctor of Divinity, and the
like, should always be written in addressing letters to
the recipients of them, thus : —
" Rev. Clarence Creamcheese, D.D."
"The Right Rev. Ignatius Loyala, G.T.D.," and
"Jeremiah Grabbem, Esq., LL. D."
The collegiate titles, ''A. B^ and "^. J/!," however,
are never added to the address of letters or engi-aved
upon cards. The title of ^^J^sq^ has been so indis-
criminately used among us that it has nearly lost its
claim to rank. Lawyers and Justices of the Peace have
a rightful claim to it; but it has been appropriated
wrongfully by all classes ; and our Norahs and Dinahs
would think they were depriving their Patricks and
Sambos of their due respect, did they not address their
letters with both the " J/r." and the " Esq^
The word ^^ JEsqulre^'' had its origin in the feudal
period of England when the sons of gentlemen were
educated at the castles of the superior lords, and it was
esteemed a great advantage to the poorer nobility to
have their children obtain this distinction, and at four-
teen years of age they took the name of ^^BJsquire.^^
Long after the decline of chivalry the term was only
applied to the sons of peers and knights, or to those
who obtained title by creation, or some other legal
method.
Blackstone defines ^^JEsquires " to be those who beai
85
office or trust under the crown, and are so styled in their
appointments and commissions by the king, aud being
once honored by the title, they have a claim to the dis-
tinction while they live.
Thus .we see how inappropriate it is when otherwise
applied.
As to the titles of " Sir " and " Ma^arn^^^ they are
not often used between equals in age and position.
We desire to teach our children to say " Yes^
ma'am^^ and " No^ nid'ara^^ " Yes, sir" and "iV^o, s^V,"
and also our dependents and serA^ants; but when la-
dies and gentlemen are conversing together, the " Yes^
nutJam^'' " Yes^ sir " and "jVb, sir^^'' etc., does not sound
well if frequently repeated.
Yet if a simple question is asked, which demands
only an affirmative or negative, the affix is not un-
desirable.
In Germany, the wife divides the smallest honor
with the husband ; and there are those in the United
States who adopt this custom and address letters to
"Mrs. Gov. Brown," "Mrs. Gen. Smith," "Mrs. Dr.
White," " Mrs. Professor Black," " Honorable Mrs.
Green," etc. ; and it may be considered a matter of
taste with the letter- writers, but these letters would not
he deemed proper if engraved upon cards.
Yet those women who have earned a right to
them — by obtaining through hard and patient study
diplomas of theology and medicine and science — can
fairly claim the address of their respective titles, and
should therefore be addressed as ^' llev. Mrs. Celia
Burleigh^'' and ^^ Mrs. Br. BlackwelV It is not un-
usual in this country to address a married woman by
her Christian name, thus: '-^ Mrs, Mary Brown!'' in
86 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
stead of '^Mrs. John Brown ;'''' but in England, a lady La
always addressed by her husband's name until she be-
comes a widow, and then she takes her Christian name,
or its initials. If there are several married brothers in
one family, the wife of the eldest can be addressed as
^^Mrs, Sniith,^^ while the yomiger brothers' wives are
distinguished by their husbands' Christian name, thus :
''Mrs. John Smith,'' ''Mrs, Ileriry Smith,'' etc. The
eldest daughter of a family is addressed by her name
with only the addition of " Miss," as "Miss Smith." The
other daughters take their baptismal or Christian name,
as " Miss Ellen Smith."
HOW TO WRITE AJ^V ADDRESS LETTERS.
In writing a letter, place the date within an inch or
two of the top, at the right hand, and be sure to write
the name of the Town, County and State, with the date
of the month and year ; and if living in a city, give the
street and number also.
When writing to strangers, superscribe the name
thus:
"James Drown,
Sir:" *
and then commence the letter. "Dear Sir" can be
written if preferred, but not "My Dear Sir" or "My
Dear Madam" unless you are well acquainted with the
person to whom the letter is addressed.
Always commence your letters on a line below the
address.
Formerly, it w^as the custom to leave quite a space
between the "Sir" and the first line of the letter when
writing to those who were in a superior position. This
PROPER FORMS OF ADDRESS, ETO. 87
■was always particularly attended to among most Eu-
roi^ean nations.
And it is related, that the Duke of Buckingham re-
ceived a letter from the Spanish Minister, Olivez, while
at the Court of Spain, wherein the address and com-
mencement were only one line apart. In reply, the
Duke placed the word ">8'enc>r" a little below the
first line, to mark his displeasure of the neglect of due
deference to his high rank.
In formal and ceremonious communications the third
person should be employed. But after the word " Sh-"
a^' an addi-ess, it is not often needed again, and it is a
mark of ill-breeding to repeat it frequently.
In business letters one should state the point at issue,
directly and plainly, and not force one to read two or
three pages of introduction, before the all-important
matter is approached. It is not a trifling matter for a
yomig man to learn how to write a proper business let-
ter, and to state his wants in a few direct and explicit
eentences. A well written and composed letter, has
been the stepping-stone to fortune for many a young
man.
In writing letters to even the most intimate friends,
one needs to exercise the utmost caution in expressing
one's sentiments and opinions.
A recent Magazine article contains the following
eentences which will fully express our meaning : —
THE PERILS OF LETTERS.
Of all things on earth to make trouble, commend me
to a letter 1 You write as you would say it, but it goes
to your friend without the grace of a voice, the inflection,
the gesture, the laugli, that would make a joke of it.
88 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
There are just the hard, cold words ; he can only
see what is said, and he is deeply grieved or angered ;
lost to you, perhaps, forever.
Then the thing you write in one mood finds your
friend in another, may be in the very one which of all
others is least hospitable to your message. I have seen
a whole family cast down by some piece of written
pleasantry on the part of an absent member of it.
Now if there is this danger when youkuow the wri-
ter's ways and phrases so well, how much greater the
pern in the case of mere acquaintances I
AJ^SWERIKG LETTERS.
When a letter has been received relating to social,
friendly, or family affairs, an answer should be returned
within ten days or a fortnight at least. Of course there
are circumstances which alter cases, and some letters
are not expected to be answered within some weeks ;
and if you do reply too quickly, the recipient of the let-
ter may think : —
" I do believe that woman or man will never stay
answered."
But family letters should receive a prompt reply;
and it is a great mistake not to teach children the ne
cessity of doing this.
Business letters also demand a prompt reply, and it
is most annoying not to attend to them as soon as is
possible. If you receive one at evening, reply the fol-
lowing morning ; and if in the morn, answer by the next
mail.
There are many persons in the United States who
are shamefully negligent about answering letters, but in
Europe it is regarded as the height of impoliteness to
PROPER FORMS OF ADDRESS, ETO. 8&
allow a letter which requires a reply to go unanswered ,
and we should remember that it is as ill-bred not to an
Bwer a letter which needs attention as to hand a person
a spoon by taking hold of its bowl.
The Duke of Wellington was a model in this mat-
ter, for in spite of the immense amount of correspond-
ence which he attended to, he never omitted to reply
to a letter no matter from whom it was received.
lie once received a letter from a clergyman settled
in a distant part of the kingdom, who had not a shadow
of a claim upon him, yet who wrote to beg a subscrip
tion towards building a church edifice.
By return of mail the Duke sent a reply, stating that
he could not see why he should have received such
an application, and declined to subscribe anything to-
wards it.
The clergyman, however, nothing daunted, sold the
letter as an autograph for S20, and put the Duke upon
the list of the subscribers for that amount.
llis politeness in replying furnished the money with-
out his knowledge, towards the edifice.
If we have the habit of neglecting our correspond-
ence, we should strive to overcome it in its youth, for —
"Habits are soon assumed; but when 'we strive
To strip them, 'tis being flayed alive."
THE GIVING OF NAMES,
It has often been declared that the ])asaion for giving
high sounding names, or those which have belonged to
distinguished persons, was decidedly American; and
that there was not even a small hamlet amid our moun-
tains, prairies, or rock-bound coast, that did not boast
'ts George Washingtons, its Benjamin Franklins, its
90 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Patrick Henrys, Jeffersons, Monroes, and the like ; while
among our colored population are found hundreds of
Caesars, Pompeys, Ciceros, and Mark Antonys.
While among our religious communities in the pro-
vincial locations, Bible names are the most popular, and
Hezekiahs, Ezekiels, Jereboams, and Benijahs abound.
We must enter a protest towards disfiguring a family
name with these many syllabled and ugly appellations.
Children hate them, youths despise them, and are al-
ways ashamed of them; and we see no reason why they
should be perpetuated in this 19th century. We once
knew a man whose name was Kemptori Kutesaw Va9i-
almond Black. lie was of white parentage, and his
parents thought the name decidedly original, and prided
themselves upon it; but when it was diminished to
" Kute " by his playmates, it did not meet their appro-
bation so much.
Napoleon^ Jackson^ Tecumseh^ were the distin-
guished names which were bestowed upon one infant
by a fond mother of our acquaintance.
Now we know that parents claim the right to give
their children whatever appellations strike them as
pleasing or desirable; and we would not gainsay their
power to do so, but only beg of them not to give them
those which will make them blush when they are ut-
tered.
The Saxon names of Ethel and Edwin, Edith and
Alfred, Bertha and Bertram, Alfreda and Arthur, Bessie
and Herbert, are descended to us from English ancestry
and are always attractive and pleasing; while those of
Amy, Cora, Beatrice, Florence, Howard, Stanley, Rus-
sell, Clarence, Harry, and many others, are melliffltious
and desirable.
PROPER FORMS OF ADDRESS, ETC. 91
Do not disfigure your sweet little girls with the
names of Ilepsey, Betsey, Mehi table, Deborah, Jerusha,
Arzina, Experience, Patience, Nancy, and Resignation;
nor your bright boys with those of Obadiah, Jehiel,
Zerubbabel, Zadel, Jedediah, Jeremiah, Abiram, Phin-
ehas, Jehuran or Chedorlaomer, when you can substi-
tute others which are so far preferable.
CHAPTER VUl,
BtWIAL IXTERCOVRSE.— CONVERSATION IJV SOCIETY.
— S LAJSG PlI RAS ES. — JEXA ii O ERA TJ ONS. — SCANDAL,
— THE INFLUENCE OF (fyVUAT I'EOFLE SAY.** —
INQUISITIVE FEOFLIJ.— SIR ItlCJlAllD STEELE'S
MULE FOR CONVERSATION.
•' For thinking, one ; for converse, two, no more ;
Three fur an argument ; for walking, four ;
For social pleasure, five ; for fun, a score."
"Whek Socrates was asked why he had built for him-
self so small a house, he replied : —
" Small as it is, I wish I could fill it with friends."
And friends, true friends, with whom we can hold
social intercourse without reserve, are indeed to be
desired. For crowds are not company, and faces are but
a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling- cymbal,
where there is little sympathy of heart and soul.
But social intercourse is a necessity of our natures —
** God fietteth the solitary in families ; "
and ever since the Creation, men and women have de-
lighted in seeking acquaintances and friends in each
other. To be sure there are some minds so constituted
that they do not feel its need, yet many of them will
seek it in books, or at the theatres, for they must have
sotnethiiig besides the solitude of their own thoughts,
and the greater part of mankind enjoy agreeable society,
for it relieves them of their cares and sorrows, and
93
sometimes makes them oblivious of their back-slidings,
while it allays their annoyances, and tunes the discordant
strings of their souls to harmony and peace.
Tlie most agreeable persons one meets in society,
however, are not always the most high-minded and vir-
tuous— but we can laugh, jest, and chat with them for
hours, and really know but little of their true characters.
This state of atfairs has made many good people
accuse society of being " a sham, a mere nothing, and a
paltry cheat."
Now, because some men and women are vain, false
and treacherous, it does not become us to stigmatize all
mankind and womankind as such.
If a man is liberal to the poor and subscribes to
public charities, and attends church regularly, always
lendiug a willing ear to the solicitations of his minister,
men will pronounce him a Christian, yet they cannot
know how his account stands between himself and his
God — and you cannot judge of society by the demeanor
of some few of its members.
"To tell a falshood is like the cut of a sabre; for
though the wound may heal, the scar will remain," is an
old Persian maxim, and the falsities of society leave
deep scars upon its face, therefore it is especially need-
ful for young persons to avoid them, and to study assid-
uously to cultivate a strict regard for truthfulness upon
all occasions.
" Do not let us lie at all. Do not think of one falsity
as harmless, and another as slight, and another as unin-
tended.
" Cist them all aside ; they may be light and acci-
dental, but they are ugly soot from the smoke of the
pit for all that, and it is better that our hearts should
94 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
be swept clean of them without one care as to which is
largest or blackest." *
Conversation is the chief employment in society,
and it needs to be studied, because a good style in con-
versation is quite as essential, and as capable of culture,
as a fine style in writing, and the art of saying pretty
things is what gives to them their value. The flowers of
rhetoric are as beautiful as the flowers of the field and
garden, but they require tlie aid of a skilful gardener
to bring them to their liighest strain of perfection.
" Gentlemen are surprised," said Margaret Fuller,
'■* that I write no better, because I talk so well. But I
have served a long a])prenticeship to the one, and none
at all to the otiier."
One tires, however, of a stilted manner of conversa-
tion, of talk which is too ornate ; but a really brilliant
talker avoids this extreme, and also the polysyllabled
words of our modern dictionaries, and his conversation
abounds in monosyllables, and the pure old Saxon
words of our forefathers, and therefore one does not
tire of listening to him, but floats down the stream of his
thoughts, charmed with its glitter, and adds here and
there a few sentences which enhance the pleasure of
both listener and talker, for one always wearies of a
monologue out of the pulpit or the lecturer's desk.
There is also a great power in monosyllables, and
some of the most sublime and intense passages in our
language are almost wholly composed of them. In our
LoTiVs Prayer^ out of sixty-six words tliere are forty-
eight of one syllable ; and out of the seventeen words io
the Golden Rule all but two are monosyllables.
The fol'.o wing text illustrates this point: ^
* EusJtm.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, ETC. 95
" I love them that love rae — and those that seek me
early shall find me."
It is nearly impossible to put down set rules where-
by young persons can become brilliant conversationists.
There is a subtile influence connected with the art
which is not easily defined ; we can all recognize it when
we listen to them, and yet few of us could point out
wherein the science lies, although we will say —
" That woman, or that man talks well, and under-
(5tands the science, or the subject under discussion."
It does not, however, always require a great depth of
learning to talk well, for all of us know learned men
who are most stupid in conversation; neither does it
demand an ability at graphic descriptions, for that w^ould
gravitate into monologue, and, as observed before, no
one enjoys that s])ecies of talk.
It does not demand great wit or humor, for one soon
tires of being compelled to acknowledge the point or
tlie joke, and inveterate punsters are often a great annoy-
ance in society.
Neither does it delight in satire, for one can never
take })leasure in the conversation of satirical persons,
because they are proverbially ill-tempered, and only
those of a similar temperament can find a charm in such
conversation.
But it is the ability of feeding the fire of conversa-
tion ; of enlarging upon the thoughts and illustrations
of others, and of commenting upon all that is said, in
short of giving quid pro quo to those with whom you
are conversing, and of keeping up the interest of all in
the subject. Samuel Johnson and Edmund Burke were
considered the finest talkers of their age in England,
and Talleyrand in France; while in our own land each
96 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
promiDent city claims one, two, or three, who out-rank
their fellow-men in this desirable accomplishment.
There are persons who cram themselves with a few
threadbare anecdotes and puns, mingled with some
trite quotations of poetry or prose familiar to the ear of
many a schoolboy, and then make them do duty upon
various festive occasions until they are often known by
them.
Dr. Johnson said : —
" Quotation, sir, is a good thing ; there is a commun-
ity of mind in it; classical quotation is the parole of
literary men all over the world."
And we would not decry the power of an apt quo-
tation, one which exactly caps your friends' expression,
but merely caution our young folks not to interlard
them too freely in their conversation, but to use them
like the pungent horseradish or mustard, wherewith we
season our roast beef and salads.
We said that great learning would not make one a
good talker ; but yet if you do not read, reflect, and
digest^ you cannot talk well, but must be content to
dawdle away your hours in society amid the small talk
— the mere babble and chatter — which comprises one-
half of the so-called conversation in society.
To talk well you must understand the subject upon
which you converse, and this is the reason why so many
ladies can talk animatedly concerning the silly, sen-
sational, fiothy novels of the day, and also upon the
fashions as they rise and fall. Those subjects they un-
derstand, so they are mistresses of the occasion It is
very needful for one who desires to talk well, not only
to be well acquainted with the current news, and mod-
em and ancient literature of his language, but also with
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, ETC. 97
the historical events of the past and the present of all
countries. He mus t not have a confused idea of dates and
history, but be able to give a clear account, not only of
the chief events of the recent Rebellion, but also of those
of the Revolutions of the past century, and of the period
of the Roman Empire, its rise and fall, and of the variou
important events which have occurred in England,
France, Italy, Germany, Switzerland, Turkey, and Russia.
In modern society the public affairs of all these
countries are equally discussed with our own, and one
would not like to be ignorant of them. Therefore it
is desirable for young persons to read and study good
histories, which give clear and succinct accounts of each
country and its important events. Then one must have
an acquaintance with the poets and prose writers of
both modern and ancient times. Must know the chief
and best productions of Chaucer, Spenser, Milton,
Burns, and Sir Walter Scott, as well as those of Ten-
nyson, Morris, " Owen Meredith," Thackeray, Dickens,
Hawthorne, Mrs. Stowe, Whittier, Longfellow, Lowell,
Holland, etc.
It is not enough to run through their pages, but
you should commit select passages to memory; and
after reading several pages of histories, or essays, take
pen and paper, and write down the facts or ideas con-
tained in them, thereby giving yourself a lesson not
only in memory, but also in composition, for you should
try to express the ideas in your own words.
It is a most excellent study to write off sentences or
whole pages which have pleased you, and then putting
books and MS. both aside, again write the ideas or facts,
clothing them in your own words, and not referring
either to the written or the printed page.
98 A IfANUAL OP ETIQUETTE.
If tliis practice is persevered m for one year, the
student will be surprised at the facility which he has at-
tained in the expression of ideas, and in breadth of
thought ; and he will find it the best possible way to
educate himself to become a fluent speaker, and will be
ready to acknowledge that conversation is a science as
well as a gift. Yet it takes years to perfect one in it,
or even to make one's self an attractive speaker or
talker.
The wise man tells us that —
" Speech ti tilvem, but siUnce is golden.'*
And daily we are forced to note the Avisdom of this
proverb.
And it is also said that " ten measures of garrulity
were given to men, but women took nine of them ; "
and sometimes, when compelled to listen to the chatter
and babble of young girls, we are forced to acknowl-
edge its truth ; and sadly wish that our young folks
would study the art of making themselves agreeable, not
only as it relates to outward adornment, to the pink and
white of their com|.lexions; the whiteness and softness
of their hands ; and the fit of their boots ; but also to the
honeyed accents of their tongues, and the beauty, and
purity of their expressions.
SLAKG PH EASES.
Slang phrases seem to be d la mode in this 19th
century ; and they issue from rosy lips which appear
almost incapable of such guile.
We will not repeat the fashionable slang, thereby,
perhaps, spreading its serpent trail more widely, but
merely allude to the too frequent repetition of " See
SOCIAL INTERCOUESE, ETC. 99
here,'' " Hold on," and " I say," wherewith not only cal-
low school girls, but even young ladies of so-called aris-
tocratic tendencies, and " out in society ^^ delight to
adorn their peculiar phraseology.
And to illustrate our point we will relate the fol-
lowing anecdote :
A young man who was in the custom of larding his
conversation with the expression "/say," was informed
that an acquaintance had ridiculed the habit, and de-
clared that he could not speak even a short sentence
without bringing in those obnoxious words at least ten
times. So the former took an opportunity of address-
ing him in this amusing style of reproof: —
I say, sir, I hear say you say I say " I say," at every
word I say. " Now, sir, although I know I say " I say "
at every word I say, still I say, sir, it is not for you to
say I say " I say " at every word I say.
EXAGGERATIOifS.
We, as a people, are accused of being greatly given
to exaggerations, but it seems as if many other nations
possessed the same imaginative tendencies as our own.
To be sure, we must confess that large stories are told
in our midst concerning this, that, and the other ; and
that one often finds it difficult to obtain an exact esti-
mate of anything. We read of the wondrous freaks of
vegetation in California, and exclaim : —
" Ah ! that is an enormously exaggerated account,"
when it may be perfectly true, because the vegetation
of that tropical soil is most wonderful — almost exceed-
ing belief
The newspapers of the day, however, add their quota
to the exaggerated propensities of Americans, until
100 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
some staid people begin to doubt everything they read
unless it is something which their common sense pro-
nounces as the genuine article. It is indeed a very bad
habit, and one which we should carefully educate our
children to avoid.
Our little boy may take great pleasure in recounting
amazing impossibilities. At first the habit amuses us,
but alas ! it is one which will increase with great rapid-
ity, until it will be said of him : —
" Oh, yes ; that's one of 's stories. No one be-
lieves a word he says."
So we must kill " the little foxes which destroy the
grapes " — in season ; must educate our children to feel
that exaggeration is but another form of lying — and im-
press upon their childish hearts the fact that truth is al-
ways consistent with itself, and needs nothing to help it
out ; it is always near at hand, and should sit upon our
lips, and be ready to drop out before we are aware,
whereas a lie is troublesome, and sets a man's invention
upon the rack 5 and one exaggerated account needs a
great many more to make it right.
A quaint old Scotch minister was somewhat given
to exaggerations in the pulpit. His clerk reminded him
of its bad effects upon the congregation. He replied
that he knew his fault, and desired to cure himself of it,
and wished that when he began to exaggerate that the
clerk would give a little cough as a reminder.
Soon after he was describing the way in which Sam-
son tied the foxes' tails together, and said—
" Foxes in those days were enormously large — and
some of them had tails nearly twenty feet long.
" A-hem I " came from the clerk's desk.
" Ah ! my friends, that is according to their measure-
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, ETC. 101
ment, but by ours they would have been full fifteen
feet long." " A-hem ! " louder than before.
"Ahl well, perhaps that is a little extravagant, and
we'll just say they were about ten feet ! "
"A-hem! A-hem!" sounded still more loudly.
The parson leaned over the desk, and shaking his finger
at the clerk, said: "You may cough there all night
long, mon, I'll nae take off a fut more. Would ye hae
me gie the foxes nae teells at a' ? "
SCANDAL.
It is one of the greatest miseries of our life that scan-
dal is a standing dish in society, and calunmy stalks
abroad with perfect boldness and impunity.
Few escape from their baneful influences, and the
higher one's position — tlie more powerful one's standing
— the more will some persons delight in inflicting these
torments upon you.
" A good finished scandal, however, fully barbed and
equipped, is rarely the production of a single individual,
or even of a single coterie.
It sees the light in one; is rocked and nurtured in
atiother ; is petted, develo})ed and attains its growth in
a third; and receives its finisliing touches only after
passing through a multitude of hands. It is a child
that can count a host of fathers and mothers — but none
of them will own it.*
And one of the most humiliating things in life is
the silly credulity with which both men and women
will listen to evil reports against their friends, neigh-
bors, or acquaintances.
Often the slander may be born in the very lowest
* Madame Swatchine.
102 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
depths of society, may arise from the malignity of a
discharged servant, or from a low-born and jealous
equal, indeed it matters not whence its source, nor
whose reputation falls, but there will be hundreds of
men and women who will give it credit, yea, more
will repeat it to others, and add a little more foulness
to intensify its blackness.
How can these things be allowed in an educated,
respectable society? This is a question that every
riglit-minded man and woman should endeavor to
answer; and they should also protest against such evil-
disj^osed conversation in their own homes.
When Mrs. A. calls, and in a very mysterious and
confidential way approaches some subject concerning
Mrs. B. or Mr, C, or IMiss D., the best plan is to refuse
to receive her confidences entirely.
But if they will find speech ; and you cannot repulse
the tide of scandal, listen in silence, and then quietly
declare that you do not believe one word of it; and are
Bure that Mrs. A. herself esteems it as a base fabrica-
tion— a tissue of falsehoods from beginning to end.
This announcement Mrs. A. may not always receive as
quietly as you make it; and then you can assure her that
you intended to make no imputations upon her truth,
but know that she could give such stories no credence,
and that if society in general would but refuse to either
hear or repeat such " hateful things " they would die
out. Again declare that you are sure the reports are
either utterly spurious, or else so wretchedly garbled
that their author could not recognize them.
And Mrs. A. will not trouble you again with such
confidences. To be sure, she may possess a liking for
saying " hateful things^^ and so her next listener may
103
be treated to some ugly speech concerning you ; but it
will injure the utterer far more than any one else in the
end.
Yet one is never safe with such persons, for they
will always stab you in an underhanded manner; and
your only safe course is to avoid all intimacy or even
acquaintance with them.
Such " hateful thinfjs " sting keenly ; are harder to
endure than bloAvs ; and have caused untold agonies to
thousands of kind and tender-hearted men and women
They are sharp needles which can probe to the
centre of one's heart.
The following doggerel upon the " Origin of Scan-
dal," is exceedingly well phrased :
THE ORIGIN or SCA2n)AL.*
« Said Mrs. A.
To Mrs. J.,
In quite a confidential way:
'It seems to me,
That Mrs. B.,
Takes too much— of something— in her tea.'"
*« And Mrs. J.,
To airs. K.
That night was overheaTd to say —
She grieved to touch
Upon it much,
But 'Mrs. B. took— such and such!"*
« Then Mrs. K.
Went straight away,
And told a friend, the self-same day,
"Twas sad to think'—
Here comes a wink—
'That Mrs. B. was fond of drink."»
•'The friend's disgTist
Was such she must.
Inform a lady, ' which she nussed,'
* From the National Baptist.
104 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
'That Sirs. B.
At half-past three.
Was that far gone she couldn't seel'*
" This lady we
Have mentioned, she
Gare needle-work to Miu. B.,
And at such news
(Dould hardly choose.
But further needle-work refuse."
" Then Mrs. B.,
Afl you'll agree,
Quite proi)erly— she said, aaid she
That she would track,
The scandal back
To those who made her look so blact"
" Through Mrs. K.
And Mrs. J.
She got at last to Mrs. A,
And asked her why,
With cruel lie,
6he painted her so deep a dye I**
« Baid Mrs. A.,
In sore dismay,
•I no such thing could ever b&j.
1 said that you
But stouter grrew,
On too much sugar — which you do!*
WHAT PEOPLE SAY.
'* What people say, or will say," is the credited
son^'ce of a great amount of ill-will and malevolence;
and these supposed originators of many of the slan-
derous words and unseemly deeds elude our grasp like
the ig?iis fatuus^ and we strive in vain to catch them^
or to silence their wagging tongues, and put an end to
their mischievous doings and sayings.
At length we are forced to shut our ears, and close
our eyes, and in despair endeavor to cease from either
seeing or hearing; and thus we ma^ find relief.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, ETC. 105
The " 071 dit " of the mischief-maker is often but a
verbal cover for the ill-will he delights to utter, but is
not bold enough to acknowledge ; and it is very desir-
able to bo on one's guard against those persons who
habitually preface their conversation by " they say ; "
because if they have not originated the maliciousness,
they are at least the conveyers of it, and thereby bring
it to our ears.
We make it a point to disbelieve most of the accu-
sations or remarks against ourselves or our friends and
neighbors when the relator merges his personal ac-
countableness for an assertion in the vague generality
of " what people say."
Certainly, if the unkind remarks were marie, the
Titterer of them did not intend that tliey shouhi reach
our ears ; while the one who brings them to us, does it,
although under a friendly guise, with a purpose of in-
juring our sensibility and wouudiug our feelings; and
if the barbed dart rankles and quivers in the wound
the one who aimed it at our breast is pleased to witness
the smart it inflicts.
Moreover, " what people will say " has an all-power-
ful influence over thousands of human hearts, and it is
not only one of the most common reasons given for our
actions, but often becomes an im])elling cause. And
yet, what motive can be more foolish ?
Why should we care concerning the opinion of others,
if we endeavor to walk justly, do mercifully, and follow,
as far as is possible, tlie dictates of our own consciences ?
Yet there are those who govern not only their own
conduct, but those of their families by the all-important
questions of ''''What will ^people sayf'' or "What will
Mr. A. say ? " or " What will Mrs. 13. say ? "
106 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE. /
They are under the influence of public opinion to
such a degree that they do not eat and drink, dress or
behave, think or tall<;, and neither educate their children
nor build nor furnish their houses, and govern their chil-
dren and servants, without asking themselves and their
friends, " What will people say ? "
And this will o' the wisp leads them into all manner
of absurdities, and even eccentricities, and proves a most
uncertain guide for either manners or morals. Therefore
we beg of our young friends to eschew its acquaintance
utterly ; and to banish it from their thoughts and their
lips, and to strive to become acquainted with the estab-
lished laws of decorum, taste, and virtue, and cultivate
a complete indifference for public opinion which ex-
presses itself in " Wliat people sayP
At the same time it is not well to run counter to
public opinion as a general thing, because there are laws
which govern it which cannot be set aside without an
injury to ourselves. So although we should not heed
the mere conjecture of the future opinion of humanity,
vaguely styled people, yet we should so conduct our-
selves that we shall not overstep any of the boundaries
of propriety and the barriers of society.
rN"QUISITIVE PERSONS.
Inquisitive persons are exceedingly annoying, both at
home and abroad ; for none of us like to be forced, as
it were, by a series of cross-questionings to disclose our
private affairs ; or enter into the minuticB of our daily
life ; or to have our hearts laid bare to prying eyes, and
their recesses ransacked for relics of the past or the
present. An innate sense of propriety would prevent a
sensible or a sensitive person from ranking himself with
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, ETC. 107
the band of inquisitors who daily, or almost hourly,
place some poor victim upon the rack, and subject him
to terrible torture. But in some persons this trait of
character appears to be inborn, and they are a species
of private detectives whose presence is most annoying
in every family or society.
If one is so unlucky as to live next door to such a
character, the annoyances he or she inflicts are number-
less as the sands of the ocean. They can tell the num-
ber of your daily visitors ; who pays attention to your
daughter ; to whom your son^s heart inclines ; the
amount of your yearly income ; the expenses of your
housekeeping ; the wages you pay your servants ;
the cost of your house, or the rent you yearly pay.
They know upon what terms you live with your wife
or your husband, and indeed are frequently more con-
versant with your private aflairs than are the members
of your own family.
Now the law gives you no redress in such cases ;
your only resource is absolute indifference to the inqui-
sition thus established, or else to build a fence twenty
feet high between your premises ; and doubtless the pri
vale detective would find a loop-hole in the attic win-
dow, from Avhence, like Dr. Valentine's " Inquisitive
Female^'' she would obtain a view of your back yard,
and the announcement w^ould be given : —
"Seven pairs of stockings hung out on that line!
Only six in the family ! I'll find out 'fore night comes
who wore that seventh pair."
It is very annoying to travel with such characters, es-
pecially when they aj-e determined to know where you
are going, and where you came from. A gentleman
met such a person while travelling in a stage-coach
108 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
^^Down East^^'' and off from the line of railways and
steamboats. He entered the stage at a way-Rtation,
after seeing his hair trunk safely placed upon the rack
of the stage ; and first, depositing his blue cotton um-
brella ao one side, he drew out a Haming yellow and red
bandanna handkerchief, much the worse for wear, and
spread it over his knees to protect his butternut trousers
from the dust, and then, with a due regard to p/ace aux
dames, he turned to a bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked damsel
who sat by his side, and in nasal tones laconically de-
manded:—
"Wharefrom?"
The girl gave as direct a reply.
" Whare goin' ? "
Again she answered to the point,
*' What name ? "
A blush suffused her face as she gave the name of
Mary Jones.
With perfect complacency the inquisitor turned to
his opposite neighbor with the same interlocution.
Then he turned to our friend, who to the question—
" Whare from ? "
Replied: —
" I took the stage at Freeport.^
" Whare goin' ? "
" Where I please."
" What name ? "
" None of your concern."
Then the countryman surveyed his vu-d-vis from
head to toe, looking as if he had surely met with a very
strange animal — one who could not make a decent
rejily to a proper question.
And the gentleman really regretted that he had no*
109
replied in the same manner as bis stage compaaions,
and felt that the rudeness was entirely upon his side,
and the countryman had the best of it.
There are others who do not content themselves
with merely finding out your whereabouts and destina-
tion, but desire to know your position in life and your
family affairs.
Such an one attacked a fellow-traveller on a Western
railway with the question : —
" Are you a bachelor ? "
To which the other replied dryly : —
"No; I'm not."
" You are a married man ? ^
« No ; I'm not."
" Then you must be a widower."
"No; I'm not."
Here a short pause ensued, but the indefatigable
querist, nothing daunted by monosyllables, returned to
the charge, and said : —
" If you are neither a bachelor, nor a married man,
nor a widower, what in the world are you ? "
" If you micst know," said the other, " I am a di-
vorced man."
Richard Steele gives in " 27ie Hamhler " an excel-
lent rule for conversation. He says :
" I would establish but one great rule in conversa-
tion, which is this, that men should not talk to please
themselves, but those that hear them. This would
make them consider whether what they speak be worth
hearing ; whether there be either wit or sense in what
they are about to say, and whether it be adapted to the
time when, the place where, and the person to whom it
is spoken."
CHAPTER IX.
DR^SS. — I'EIISONJJ:, Jil^rEAJtJLNC^ JLND MANNEnSf
BEJiUTY.
" A few good clothes put on with small ado
Purchase your knowledge and your kindred too."
GiRAiiD,the famous French painter, when very young,
was the bearer of a letter of introduction to Lanjuinais,
then of the Council of Na})oleon. The yoang painter
was shabbily attired, and his reception was extremely
cold; but Lanjuinais discovered in him such striking
proofs of talent, good sense, and amiability, that on
Gh-ard's rising to leave, he arose too, and accompanied
his visitor to the ante-chamber.
The change was so striking, that Girard could not
avoid an expression of surprise.
" My young friend," said Lanjuinais, anticipating
the inquiry, " we receive an unknown person according
to his dress — we take leave of him according to his
merits."
And we are always forced to acknowledge the truth
of the first part of this statement, if not of the latter.
Fine clothes are a passport into good society, if with
them one possesses a knowledge of savoir faire. We
would not believe, or state that an elegant suit of clothes
would make a lady or gentleman of Patrick or Bridget,
for there is something more required than the outer
Ill
appearance; but we do know that a gentleman shabbily
attired fails to make the same impression upon us, as
one who is well-dressed. And also that the knowledge
of being well-dressed — not necessarily in a very expen-
sive attire, but becomingly and suitably dressed, does
give one an ease of manner, and an unconsciousness of
self, which can never be obtained, when one is conscicus
of looking badly, i. e., dressed in clothing which is out
of date, or fits very badly, or does not blend harmon-
iously with one's complexion, height or figure.
Therefore our personal appearance is undoubtedly a
subject for due consideration, and we should strive,
in a degree, to make the best of ourselves — that is,
should pay some heed to the niceties of dress, the little
trifles which go so far towards producing a pleasing
appearance.
Much taste is required in arranging the flowers in a
bouquet or vase, so that their colors will blend har-
moniously, and the larger flowers will not overpower
those of smaller size.
This taste is also needful in laying out a garden, or
in arranging the furniture of your rooms, and the same
skill is essential in regard to your dress.
And it is well to consider before you purchase any
additions to your wardrobe, whether the dresses or hats,
or shawls, or ribbons, will set ofi* your complexion, oi
are adapted to your si^e and figure ; and do not adopt
an unbecoming fashion, simply because it is tl: e fashion ;
but endeavor to dress in such a manner that you Avill
not make yourself conspicuous, nor distort your figure
by unnatural addition.
If you are a brunette, do not dress yourself in silks,
Thibets, or muslins of dark, subdued hues ; black, how-
112 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
ever, is always excepted. Or if, on the contrarj^, youy
complexion is fair, do not overpower it with the rich,
deep shades which are so becoming to a darker skin.
It is wise to avoid all styles which are disfiguring or
unsuitable, and there is such a great variety in the
prevailing fashions, that each one can select whatever
most becomes their height and figure.
A short, stout person presents a most ridiculous
appearance when she attires herself in flounces, puflfs,
and furbelows until she resembles a wine tun.
Flat trimmings, such as folds and plaits, are far more
consonant with her style.
But a tall, thin, long-waisted person can revel in
flounces and puffs, and bows, and if not too heavily
ladened with them, looks far better than with flat
straight trimmings.
Dress should always be simple, elegant and becom-
ing, without being too expensive for the wearer's pocket,
and absurd fashions should never be worn by persons
of sense.
There are few persons of either sex, in whom the
desire to appear to the best advantage, and to dress in
the most charming and becoming manner, is not
innate.
A woman of eighty years, was asked in a court-room,
by the judge, at what age a woman ceased to take
thought concerning her personal appearance.
Her reply was : —
" Your honor must ask that question of some person
older than myself"
And this desire of appearing well, when kept within
due bounds, is rather commendable than othervrise, and
we should always strive to cultivate good taste, and do
PEKSONAL APPEARANCE, ETC. 113
all in our power to contribute to that which is most
pleasing to the eye,
Kichter said :—
" A woman's soul is by nature a beautiful fresco-
painting, painted on rooms, clothes, and silver waiters,
and upon the whole domestic establishment."
And it is this inherent love of the Beautiful which
the infant displays, as soon as it is able to distinguish
colors, and their picturesque effects.
God has implanted the love of ornament and adorn-
ment in our hearts ; and it is not our duty to undervalue
a pleasing appearance, but to endeavor to associate with
it, as a balance-wheel, a well-cultivated mind and truth-
ful principles, and to strive not to foster vanity and
a love of display, until the love of dress becomes not
only an evil but a sin.
" Do yon, my friend, endeavor to possess
Aa elegance of minrl as well as dress ;
Be that your ornament, and know to please
By graceful nature's ujiaffected ease."
The dangers which encompass a too great love of
dress are innumerable, and many a fair name has been
tarnished, and many, hitherto reputable persons, have
been tossed into the whirlpool of vice and deathless
misery by yielding to its demoralizing sway; while
others have been induced by it to exceed the limits of
their income, and impoverish their families ; or prevent
themselves from bestowing charities upon those deserv-
lag of them.
And if this love of dress once gains the ascendancy
over us, it will exercise its power so imperceptibly that
before we are aware, we unconsciously become its slaves ;
and even if we have sufficient strentrth to shake off its
114 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
galling yoke it will be the cause of much mischief, and
bring upon us a large amount of unhappiness.
If we also foster an undue love for dress in our cliil-
dren, we are in danger of making them vain, conceited,
and selfish women. Yet in our anxiety to stifle a love
for fine clothes in our daughters, we must take heed not
to fall into the other extreme and dress them too plainly,
for this will increase rather than suppress their desire
for them. Preaching against the follies of dress to our
children, while we ourselves are attired in the height of
the fashion, never produces the desired eflect. Exam-
ple is always more efficacious than precept; and if
mothers do not estimate dress too highly, there is not
much probability that their children will do so.
Those persons who are advanced in life too often
forget that every age possesses its suitable costume, and
that when their necks have ceased to look fresh and
fair, they should be concealed under a pleated lace frill,
or a muslin handkerchief; and that wrinkled, leathery
faces should not be brought into juxtaposition with
blooming, artificial roses and spring flowers, but should
be contrasted with the tender lines of silver-grey lilac,
and dead leaf browns.
The young ladies of our day are charged with great
extravagancies ; and are said to have diminished the num-
ber of marriages among the haut ton most perceptibly.
In the lower classes Cupid still reigns supreme;
but in the middle strata, and among the uppertendora,
the God of Love complains that his wings are clipped,
his arrows pointless, and while both of his eyes are still
blind, his hands and feet are also fettered.
Now this is a serious accusation, but we cannot plead
fuilty to the charge of extravagancies of dress so enor-
PERSONAL APPEARANCE, ETC. 115
mous and overwhelming, and allow the sterner sex to
pass by scot free.
We must assert that where some of our young ladies
expend from five dollars to eight hundred dollars, or
one thousand dollars upon their wardrobe, many of our
YOung men spend double that amount upon their dresS;
cigars, liquors, billiards, fast horses, betting, and all their
attendant ills.
It does not become the young man of the period to
imitate too closely his ancestral Father Adam, and cry
out in piteous tones : —
" O, Lord, the woman which Thou gavest me is in
fault ! Her's is the wrong-doinoj — not mine."
We have no patience with men who thus endeavor
to throw oiF their responsibilities upon the shoulders of
the weaker sex, and denounce their love for dress, and
the extravagance of their fashions as an all-sufiicient
reason for their disobeying God's behest, to take unto
themselves wives from the daughters of men.
It is men, themselves, who cultivate this love of dress
by always paying more attention to a well-dressed and
fashionably-attired lady, than to one that is plain or
shabby in appearance.
Women, it is often said, dress for the admiration of
men. We cannot give our verdict in favor of such a
wholesale declaration as this, yet candor compels us to
admit that it is true in many cases.
Wives dress to please tlieir husbands, mothers to
please their sons, and daughters to please their lovers
and brothers.
Yet there are women who dress tastefully from an
innate sense of the fitness of things ; and do not heed
the praises of men, or strive for their admiration.
116 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
A gentlewoman need not be reminded that she
should always be attired in a neat and becoming manner
and that her dress ought to be adapted to the hours of
the day.
Such a woman will never appear at breakfast in a
shabby peignoir, and then dress in the most stylish man-
ner in street costume, or for evening visits.
A simple, well-fitting morning dress of lawn, muslin,
Thibet, or Tamise cloth is always suitable and becoming.
The hair should also be neatly arranged, and a sim-
ple muslin or lace cap, with pretty ribbons, is a pleasing
addition to a lady's morning toilette.
The Spectator, in olden times, directed its powerful
raillery against ladies appearing at the breakfast-table
with their hair en papillotes ; an-i The Ta^/er repeated
much that was said upon such a deforming custom. In
these later days crimping pins are e(pially disfiguring,
and they should be concealed under the braids of the
hair, or the ever-present, black velvet ])andeaux.
It is well to have some fixed hour for substituting
the morning toilette for the dinner dress ; and if this is
done one need not be so rude as to keep visitors wait-
ing while dresses are exchanged.
A few slight ornaments are admissible at the break-
fast-table, such as ear-rings and brooches; but ornaments
of a costlier kind, and set with brilliant stones, are ut-
terly out of place. Diamonds in the morning always
exhibit a trace of shoddyism. An elegant simplicity of
dress, equally with unaffected manners, demands re-
spect, and vfill ever receive the admiration of persona
of worth, taste, and culture.
St. Peter councils us thus concerning the apparel of
women : —
117
" Whose adorning, let it not be that outward adorn-
ing of plaiting the hair and of wearing of gold, and cf
putting on of apparel. But let it be the hidden man of
the heart (i. 6., the inward frame and disposition of the
mind), in that which is not corruptible ; even the orna-
ment of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of
God of great price."
The dress of children should be simple but pleasing;
and care should be taken to make their clothes extremely
loose about the waist, so as not to impede their growth
and the circulation of the blood. You should always
be able to pass your hand freely between the clothes
and body of your child ; and this precaution is ex-
tremely essential to the health of all children, as tight
clothes induce various diseases, and are a fruitful source
of illness.
Moderately loose clothing is warmer than that which
fits very tightly, because the quantity of air confined
between our bodies, and clothing prevents the heat of
the body from escaping, also the external air from com-
mg in contact with them.
And if we will only wear our dresses sufficiently
loose to admit of a free circulation of air, we should all
feel much more comfortable, for a " tight tit " always
impedes the circulation of the blood. " Wasp waists,"
most fortunately for the growing generation, are out of
fashion, and a waist of moderate proportions is now
more comtne il faut.
The only kind of dress that can afl^ord the requisite
protection for the changes of tem])erature to which our
climate is liable, is made of woolen fahrics; and those
who would receive the advantage which it is capable of
atibrding, must wear it next to the skin, at all seasons.
118 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
The great advantages of woolen underclothing are
these : the readiness with which it allows the escape of
the matter of perspiration through its texture ; its pow
er of preserving the sensation of warmth to the skin
under all circumstances; the difficulty there is in mak-
ing it thoroughly wet ; the slowness with which it con-
ducts heat ; and the softness, lightness and pliancy of
its texture.
The style of ladies' dress which now prevails has
been much ridiculed ; and if some of our " mirrors of
fashion " " could but see themsel's as ithers see them,"
it might be of service to them.
Yet among the hundred variations of costume
which are in vogue, there are some exceedingly sensi-
ble ones, in which one can dress quickly, walk nimbly,
stoop easily, and eat plentifully, and in short, perform
all the duties of life without annoyance or hindrance.
The waist is in its proper region, the skirt does not act
the part of street sweeper, and one finds comfort as
well as ornament in it.
We allude to the short street costume and the belted
polonaise, which can be altered into various guises at
one's own sweet will, and although ever changing, is
ever healthful and becoming.
And what shall we say of a fashionable bonnet,
which is now perched so high above the formidable
structures of hair which cover the crowns of our heads ?
It is merely a conglomeration of silk, illusion, feathers
blonde lace, flowers and ribbons, which is very becom-
mg, however, to some faces, while to others it is a
perfect fright.
The following lines may picture it better than out
words :
PERSONAL APPEARANCE, ETC. 119
A RECirE FOR A BONXET.
" On scraps of foundation, some fragments of lace,
A shower of French rosebuds to di'oop o'er the face,
Take ribbons and feathers, with crape and illusion.
And mix and derange them in gi-aceful confusion ;
Inveigle some fairy, out roaming for pleasure,
And beg the slight favor of taking her measure ;
The length and breadth of her dear little pate —
And hasten a miniature frame to create ;
Then pour, as above, the bright mixture upon it.
And lo I you possess " such a love of a bonnet 1 "
BEAUTY.
Socrates called beauty a short lived tyranny ; Plato
esteemed it as a privilege of nature ; Tlieophrastus
(Styled it a silent cheat ; Theocritus, a delightful preju-
dice; and Aristotle affirmed that it was better than all
the letters of recommendation in the world.
Beauty of some kind is so much the attribute of her
sex, that a woman who has not at one time of her life
felt herself to be fair, has been robbed of her birth-
right, and yet the most celebrated beauties of ancient
and modern times have owed their highest charms to
the refining iniluences of education rather than to the
exquisite symmetry of form, face and feature.
It was the wisdom as well as the poetry of the age
of chivalry that it supposed all women to be beautiful,
and treated them as such.
And a woman has not fully comprehended life, if
her heart has not sometimes throbbed at the thought of
possessing some natural abilities in the fine art of pleas-
ing, unfolding to her mind secrets of power which are
intended doubtless to balance her muscular inferiority.
Men do not require such a knowledge; but if it
does develop itself in them, it renders its possessor ex-
tremely absurd ; while to £ woman it is one of the
120 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
strong weapons in her armory, and if she is deprived of
it she becomes comparatively powerless.
Therefore, it is particularly cruel to force upon a
girl the withering conviction of her own want of beau-
ty, or pleasing exterior ; and if parents do so as a pre
ventive of vanity, or to shield their daughters against
the supposed demoralizing consciousness of beauty, the
verdict of the world will soon counteract that, and sup-
ply them with some idea of their charms.
But on the other hand, if girls possess but a scanty
supply of good looks, it will not only give them an in-
calculable anguish of mind to have their poverty forced
upon them, but will also tend to diminish them still
farther by rendering them sullen and jealous, and giving
to them a fretful aspect. We have met with girls who
have felt that their faces were not agreeable to any one,
not even to their own mothers ; and have seemingly
taken upon themselves vows of voluntary ugliness ; and
would not endeavor to keep their teeth white and their
finger nails tidy, or shield their complexions from the
baleful influence of the noonday sun, or even smile
enough to render their faces sunshiny ; and they will set
aside as vanitas vanitatum all the little adjuncts of the
toilette, such as bright sheeny ribbons and gauzy laces,
and keep themselves closely to plain linen collars and
cuffs, and black neckties ; and even pride themselves,
like Diogenes of old, upon the skinny parsimony
of their attire, and deem that article of dress which
is the most unbecoming to be the most respect-
able.
They are always tall, thin and angular, and seldom
enjoy even decent health; and so they pass on to their
graves unlovely and unloved — yet pleased with the
12
vanity which apes humility, and rejoicing as it were in
their own uucomeliness.
Now beauty should be cultivated by every woman.
If you do not possess a clear complexion, regular fea-
tures, bright beaming eyes and beautiful hair, why
cultivate the graces of the mind, and they will lend a
brightness all their own to eyes and skin; will soften
irregular features, and throw a hundred nameless charms
over forehead, cheeks and lips.
Youthful beauty is a transitory and precarious at-
traction; time will abstract the elegance of the figure
and the brilliancy of the complexion; but a well-
educated mind, joined to good sense and virtue, are
lasting qualifications which will always insure to their
possessor the love and esteem of the virtuous.
Wilkes was considered the homeliest man of his
day — but his mind was of a high order — and he was
learned in the art of conversation ; he said, " Give
me but half an hour in the society of ladies, and I will
ask no favor of the handsomest man in society."
Beauty of feature, form and expression, is not to be
underrated ; it bestows upon its possessor regal gifts,
and is a powerful magnet to attract the admiration of
men, but unless it is allied with good sense, virtue and
good-humor, it is but an Apple of Sodom.
Yet men will listen to the conversation of a very
beautiful woman, not because they hear, but because
they see her — for there is a great amount of eloquence
in a fine face and sparkling eyes.
It gives its possessor an advantage at first acquaint-
ance ; but if it prove merely a pictured beauty, of the
flesh, and not of the spirit, we would none of it.
But wise women have sighed for its possession ; and
122 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
it is related of Frederika Bremer, that while making a
tour through the United States, and greatly lionized by
her friends, the one migratified wish of her heart — per-
sonal beauty — was still bitterly regretted.
She possessed the power to charm all her readers^
to kindle a love for her and her ^^ N'eighhors'''' and
^''Jloyne'''' in thousands of hearts; and yet her little,
brown, wizened face could not proclaim her abilities,
until one had listened to her pleasant voice, and taken
delight in her soft sweet manners.
And Madame De Stael, when her reputation was at
its zenith, said that she would gladly exchange all the
renown that her genius had won for her, for a share of
that beauty whose possession she had envied so much in
others of her sex.
Therefore, friends, let us not undervalue beauty, but
value worth more.
" The beauty of woman exceeds all other forms of
oeauty, as well in the sweetness of its suggestions, as in
the fervor of the admiration it awakens; and we seem
to catch glimpses of heaven in the innocent face of a
beautiful child or youthful maiden."
And there is also another kind of beauty than that
revealed in coral lips wreathed with smiles, and in
beaming eyes. It is a beauty that is not wholly of
the face, nor of the mind, but it clings to age, and is
the beauty of a well-spent life. A halo of memory
which surrounds the head of the aged, and gives a
beauty all its own to the dim eyes, withered cheeks and
white hairs of the grandmother.
In this chapter upon Personal Appearance^ little has
been said about the " sterner sex."
And yet a fine appearance is very essential to them.
123
One delights in a well-built, well-clothed, athletic man ;
and it is quite as important for them to attend to their
persons, as for women.
To be sure, their attire is plain, but it should be
spotless. Their hair requires less attention, but it
should receive needful care. Their finger nails should
be tidy ; their collar faultless ; their neck-tie d la mode^
if they would attract the attention of the fair sex.
An untidy, ill-dressed, slovenly looking man is
quite as bad looking as a woman of similar habits.
Men must give close heed to their personal appear-
ance, if they in their turn would please.
"A shocking bad hat " is discerned by a woman quite
as quickly as a becoming " love of a bonnet " is recog-
nized by a man.
We would not make dandies of our boys, but a due
regard for their personal appearance is almost as essen-
tial, as a due regard for the rights of others, to make
them agreeable companions in the home circle.
Boys should cultivate good looks quite as much as
girls; yet should shun vanity and its deceits; but
desire to be as handsome as it is possible for them to
be — L e., as good-natured, as obliging and pleasant, as
tidy and neat, as a strict attention to these proprieties
will induce.
Gentleness of manners, a graceful carriage and a
pleasing address, will make any young man atti active.
And we ask with the poet : —
" What is beauty ? Not the show
Of shapely limbs and feattires. No ;
These are but flowers
That have their dated hours.
To breathe their momentary sweets, then go.
'TIS the stainless soul \tithin,
That outBhinee the f&ireal »kux."
CHAPTER X.
M^nnrAGJ^.—OFrEns of mAJtniAOB.—jLOTBits* tovm
L ETTFinS.-ETI QUJ^:TTE of MAJtltLAGE.-ORJGlN OF
THE WE nn I NO-OAK E WEDDLNG-CA RDJS.-OJllGlUr
OF IFEDIUNG-RIAGS.— IVEDniNG- GIFTS.
" Love ■warms our fancy with enliv'ning fires,
Refines our genius, and our verse inspires;
From him Theoaitus, on Enna's plains,
Learnt the wild sweetness of his Dorio strains ;
Virgil by him was taught the moving art.
That charmed each ear and softened every he-art."
" Marriage is the mother of the worhl, and preserves
kingdoms and fills cities and churches, and heaven itself.
The celibate, like the fly in the heart of an a|)ple, dwells
in a perpetual sweetness, but sits alone and is confined,
and dies in singularity ; but marriage, like the useful bee,
builds a house, and gathers sweetness from every flower,
and labors and unites into societies and republics, and
sends out armies, and feeds the world with delicacies,
and obeys its King, and keeps order, and exercises
many virtues, and promotes the interests of mankind,
and is that state of good things to which God has de-
signed the present constitution of the world. Life oi
death, felicity or a lasting sorrow, are in the power of
marriage. A woman, indeed, ventures most, for she
hath no sanctuary to retire to from an evil husband, she
must dwell upon her sorrow and hatch the eggs which
her own folly or infelicity hath produced. A woman
125
may complain to God as do the subjects of tyrant
princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes
of unkindness. And though the man can run from
many hours of his sadness, yet he must return to it
.<»-gain, and when he sits among his neighbors he re-
•n embers the objection that is m his bosom, and sighs
ieeply."
These words of Bishop Taylor's upon marriage are
pregnant with instruction, and we must beg of our
young readers not to take upon themselv^es the duties
and responsibilities of married life too rashly, and with-
out due consideration of each other's tastes and dispo-
sitions. A neglect to attend to these things is one of
the chief causes of the thousands of unhappy marriages
throughotit our land ; and of the disgrace of the Divorce
Laws in some of the \yestern States of the Union.
There can be no happiness in the marriage state unless
both the husband and the wife are \yorthy of respect, and
if one loses this sentiment, there is little enjoyment in
store for either. Therefore, do not marry a weak, un-
reasonable man, even if your heart speaks in his favor,
and he counts his riches by hundreds of thousands.
For what are gold and lands to one who is wedded
to an untractable, capricious, unreasonable, ill-tempered
man, who will rarely listen to the voice of reason, and
for whom one will often be forced to blush painfully,
and feel uneasy whenever he opens his lips ? Such a
man also, uniformly, endeavors to uphold his conse-
quence by contradicting his wife on all occasions,, be-
cause he will not have persons think that she possesses
any influence over him. And on the other hand, do not
marry an ill-governed, imcontrolled, excitable, and ner-
vous woman, even if her lips are formed like Cupid's
126 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Bow, her eyes ontsMie the stars, and her complexion
resemble milk and roses, while her features are as fault-
less as those of the Venus of Milo.
" Take tliiia mucli of my council, marry not
In haste, for she that takes the best of husbands,
Puts on a golden fetter : for husbands
Are Uke to painted fruit which promise much,
But still deceive us, when we come to touch them.'*
OFFERS OF MARRIAGE.
Offers of marriage are made in a hundred or more
various ways, but however tendered, they should be re-
ceived courteously and with dignity.
If one is made by letter, answer it as would become
a lady; and your own good sense should dictate what
you should say.
Questions are often asked as regards the wording of
such letters, but no set rules can j)ossibly be given.
Whether it be answered in the first or third person,
however, must depend in a great degree upon the in-
timacy which has previously existed.
If intending to refuse the suit, you should not com-
mence the letter with " Dear /Sir,'^ but rather with the
gentleman's name; and write ^^/Sir " upon the next line.
Offers of marriage should never be accepted, or re-
fused without consulting your parents, but if you are
deprived of them, then t is better to consult some ju-
dicious maternal friend.
There are young ladies who pride themselves upon
the conquests which they make ; and who do not scruple
to sacrilice the happiness of estimable young men, at
the altar of their inordinate and contemptible vanity.
This practice cannot be too strongly rebuked, and
any girl who will thufe trifle with the affections of hon
127
orable men will surely reap, in bitter tears, the harvest
whose seeds she has sown in silly pride and mockery.
The reputation of being a flirt is greatly to be
dreaded by young ladies, for their company soon be-
comes annoying to men of sense ; while those who pos-
sess similar tastes will, to be sure, laugh, dance and sing
with them, to their hearts' content, but will never ask
them to be admitted to a nearer and dearer companion-
ship.
And a gentleman flirt is one of the most despicable
creatures in the whole creation !
If a lady perceives that she has become an ob-
ject of especial regard to a gentleman, and does not
incline to encourage his suit, she should not treat him
rudely, but it is not well to let him linger, awhile in
suspense, and then bring him to the point only to be
repulsed.
Take an early opportunity to express your ideas
upon the subject, in a way, which will permit him to
discover your sentiments.
There are various ways of doing this, and young la-
dies of any ingenuity will soon perceive which is the
kindest, and most humane of them. Yet if the man is
so obtuse that he will not be satisfied, without a decisive
answer, give him the opportunity he seeks, and return a
polite " no ; " and then, if he possesses delicate feelings,
he will not trouble you more.
Make it a rule, however, never to receive particular
attentions from honorable men, when you have no heart
to bestow in return ; and never trifle with the aflectiona
of any man.
The happiness and future well-being of many excel-
lent men have been sacrificed by such unprincipled be-
128 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
havior. If a gentleman's conversation interests yon,
and his attentions flatter you, and his preference grati-
fies you, make up your mind whether his habitual pres-
ence would be agreeable ; and if it would not, then with-
draw gradually from his society. A refined chilliness
of manner will soon satisfy him, if he possesses the least
discernment, that his addresses would not be acceptable.
And always remember that if a gentleman makes you
an offer of marriage, you should keep it a secret from
all but your parents, or nearest relative or friend.
It is mortifying and painful enough, to have one's
suit discarded, without being known as a rejected lover;
therefore, if you possess either a decent generosity, or
the least good-breeding, you will not divulge a secret
which should be ►•^acred between you.
And if you have accepted the addresses of a deserv-
ing man, do behave sensibly and honorably, and not
lead him about as if in triumphal chains, nor take ad-
vantage of his love by playing with his feelings. Do
not affect indifference to his presence, and comfort, nor
yet display too much affection for him, while in the so-
ciety of others.
And above all, do not endeavor to make him jealous,
to prove the strength of his love for you ; and do not
tease him in various ways, that you may try his temper ;
nor provoke lovers' quarrels for the foolish delight of a
reconciliation.
On your behavior to your lover during your engage-
ment, will greatly depend the estimation in which you
will be held by your husband in your married life.
Many a wife has been made to feel the galling chains
of matrimony, by the husband who, when a lover, was
forced to acknowledge his Mr Jiayicee's powers of torture.
129
And on the other hand, the lover should not strWe to
annoy his lady-love, in order to discover whether she
Possesses a large share of good-humor ; but he should
3ver hold her as the queen of his heart, the only lady
to whom his attentions are due ; while in society he
should make her pleasure, and her amusement his first
charge, although he need not keep close to her side as
though held there by an invisible wire ; yet he should
manifest to her a desire to please in all reasonable things ;
and if he seeks the society of others, should first see that
she is with those who are friendly and agreeable to her-
self A mutual desire to please, a mutual forbearance,
a mutual recognition of each other's rights, are very
needful attributes during an engagement; and it be-
hooves young persons, thus circumstanced, to have no
secrets from each other, to incline their ears to listen to
no evil reports connected with a lover, or a fiancee^ and
to be judicious, wise, and discreet, in all things. For
oftentimes : —
"The gnawing envy, the heart-frfitting fear,
The vain surmise, the distrustful shows,
The false reports that flying tales do bear,
The doubts, the dangers, the delays, the woes,
The feigned friends, the unassured foes,
With thousands more than any tongue can tell.
Do make a lover's life a witch's hell."
The God of Love is always represented with blind-
folded eyes, yet we believe that Love gives : —
"A precocious seeing to the eye,"
and quickens all the sympathies of both heart and soul.
And frequently, it can make a few weeks so rich, so
precious, that all the rest of our lives may seem poor in
comparison.
130 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
It is said that men more frequently fall in love un
consciously than women, because the latter regard all
single men whom they meet as possible candidates for
their hand.
This appears to us to be a base calumny.
LOVE-LETTERS.
Love-letters are ever a mixture of bitter and sweet,
and frequently fail to satisfy either party.
But a profusion of curious conceits and quotations
are not suited to their character, as true sentiment is
usually direct and to the point ; and does not stray into
the by-ways of literature to gather the flowers of rhet-
oric.
Lady Mary Wortley Montague's Love-Letters are
considered models in their way; and they contain
hardly a quotation, or a figure of speech, although she
possessed a great reputation for wit and brilliancy of
language. She writes like a most unaflected, natural
person, while she was exceedingly artificial.
We would recommend these Letters for the perusal
of all young ladies who desire to write most sensible
love-letters.
To be sure, their style is now quaint, but yet much
can be gathered from it.
THE ETIQUETTE OF MARRIAGE.
Marriage has its peculiar etiquette ; and, as it is a re-
ligious ceremony, we will assume that it will be solem-
nized in church.
Assuming that the important day has been appointed^
and the all-important trousseau prepared, the bride is
expected to pay visits to all of her acquaintances whom
she desires to retain, after her marriage.
131
TMs is done usually, in person ; but in large cities a
card is often made to do duty for a call, and the letters
P. JP. (7., Pour prendre conge (to take leave), are en-
graved at the right-hand corner.
These visits are made from four to two weeks before
the marriage-day, and also before the wedding-cards are
Bent out.
The wedding-cards are inscribed with the names of
the lady and gentleman, one of each, and a large card
also contains the name of the bride's parents, the hour
and date of the wedding ceremony at the church, and of
the reception at the house. Fashion varies yearly, in the
wording of these cards of invitation, and also in the style
of the cards and envelopes. The parents of the bride
are expected to furnish the invitations, and their daugh-
ter's card, while the gentleman furnishes his own, and
several packs of visiting-cards containing his wile's
name.
Nowadays the cards are printed in script rather than
in printed letters, and two cards of invitation are sent.
The one with the invitation to the ceremony at the
church may read thus : —
CHUBCH OF THE REDEEMER,
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI,
Tuesday evening, February nineteentli, at eight o'clock,
1873.
The invitation to the reception at the parents' home
thus : —
MR. AND MRS. JOHN. H. SMITH,
AT HOME
From half-past eight untJtl twelve o'clock,
77 Washington Avenue.
Should the bride remain at her old home, a wedding-
132 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
card is sent to all her acquaintances with her husbaxid'a
name and also her own ; and the day of the weekly re-
ception of wedding-calls is placed at the right hand,
thus : —
MR. AND MRS. JOHN JONES,
AT HOME, THURSDAYS,
From twelve luitil two o'clock
These cards are also sent to the husband's friends at
the bride's new home, and no one, to whom a wedding-
card has not been sent, is expected to call. The bride
always goes to church in a carriage with her parents, or
with those who stand in their place, as an elder brother
or an uncle and aunt.
The bridegroom finds his way to the church in com-
pany with his nearest relatives, and endeavors to pre-
cede the bride so that he can hand her from the car-
riage.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen come in carriages
also, and all the invited guests.
The bridegroom always sends a carriage, at his ex-
pense, for the officiating clergyman and his family. He
is not expected to pay for the carriage of the parents of
the bride, nor for those of bridesmaids and groomsmen.
The latter furnish the carriages for the ladies. When
arrived at the vestibule of the church, the last brides-
maid and groomsman walk in first, the others following
in the order in which they stand at the altar. The father
walks next with the bride, and the groom follows with
the bride's mother upon his arm, and at the altar the
father and mother step back and the bride takes the
groom's left arm.
In many cases, however, the bride and groom walk
arm in arm behind the first bridesmaid and groomsman,
133
and the former turns to the left, the latter to the right,
and leave a space directly in front of the minister for
the groom and bride. The near relatives of both par-
ties follow the bride and groom closely, and form a cir-
cle around the altar, or else come into church, in advance
of the bridal procession, and sit in the pews in the body
of the church reserved especially for their use. This is
done by tying broad Avhite ribbon, in graceful bows, on
the pew above which the friends will sit.
Ushers are always selected from the near relatives,
and friends of both bride and groom, and are usually
young men in society.
Their duty is to wait upon the invited guests into
the church, and assign them their places.
After the guests are all present, a white ribbon
about two inches in width is passed along the outer
edge of the pews, on each side of the fi'ont aisle, by
the ushers (there are usually three of them — but some-
times five, or even more). This ribbon is to notify
the guests that they are expected to remain in the
pews until the wedding cortege^ and their near rel-
atives have left the church, and entered their car-
riages. The ushers then remove the silken barriers
and inform each family, in turn, when their carriage
awaits them. J^y this method, all crowding and con-
fusion are avoided; and as the carriages drive up in
order, their owners ai-e ready for them without any
disarray of their costumes.
The ushers are always distinguished by white favors
worn upon one side of the coat lappels — usually the
left side.
On returning to the house, it is their place, after the
guests have laid aside their wraps, to await them at the
134 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE,
doors of the reception rooms, and escort them to con-
gratulate the bride and groom, and introduce those who
are not acquainted with both parties.
The guests oifer their congratulations in a few simple
but well-chosen words. Taking care, however, not to
wish the groom many retui'us of the joyful occasion, as
vas once done by an absent-minded man to his friend.
About ten o'clock the supper is served, which should
be provided with all the delicacies of the season whic^i
are within the limits of the entertainer's means; for it is
exceedingly foolish in them, to make a grand display at
a daughter's wedding, and run in debt for it, or else
scrimp themselves for the rest of the year.
WEDDING-CAIvE.
The w^edding-cake is always a conspicuous part of
the entertainment ; boxes or sheets of white paper are
usually provided, and slices of cake cut for the guests
to take home.
Wedding or Bride's cake is used at weddings, be-
cause of its origin in confarreation^ or a token of the
most firm conjunction betwixt man and wife, with a
cake of wheat or barley ; from far (Latin), meaning
bread or corn.
Dr. MoiFatt tells us that the " English, when the
bride comes from church, were wont to cast wheat upon-
her head."
And Herrick alludes to this custom, thus speaking
to the bride : —
•* While some rei)eat
Your praise, and bless you, sprinkling you with wheat.'*
In some circles it is customary to send cards almost
immediately after the wedding, to friends and relatives,
135
mentioning the time and hour when the newly-married
couple will expect to receive visitors.
But as young people may desire to extend their
tour beyond the time first mentioned, or as delays in
their return may prove unavoidable, it is better to post-
pone sending the cards, or having them engraved, for
some little time at least.
When the days for receiving company arrive, it is
well to call as soon as possible, but neither before nor
after the appointed hours.
Wedding-cake and wine are usually served at these
receptions.
Should the husband's occupations be such that it
is impossible for him to remain at home to receive
visitors, an apology must be made for him, and some
intimate friend of the family take his place. If this is
not practicable, some lady friends will doubtless attend,
and not leave the bride alone to entertain her friends.
Wedding-calls should be returned within two or
three weeks, if possible.
OEIGIK OF BETROTHAL AiiTD WEDDIIS'G-ErN'GS.
Tha peculiar practice of wearing engagement rings,
appears to have commenced with the Romans. Before
the celebration of their nuptials, there was a gathering
of friends at the house of the lady's parents, to settle
the articles of the marriage contract, when it was
agreed that the dowry should be paid down on the
wedding-day, or soon after.
On these occasions, a luxurious entertainment was
given; and at its conclusion, the man placed a ring
upon the fourth finger of the lady's left hand, because
it was thought that a nerve reached thence to the heart.
136 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
This ring was considered a pledge of betrothal, and
a day was then named for the nuptials.
In the ancient ritual of marriage, the ring was
placed by the husband on the top of the thumb of the
left hand while repeatiug the words : "Jti the name
of the Father ^'''^ he then removed it to the second
linger, saying, " ajid of the JSon,''^ then to the middle
finger, adding, " and of the Holy Ghost / " and finallif
placed it on the fourth finger, next to the little one,
with the closing word "^??ien."
The origin of the custom of wearing the wedding-
ring upon the fourth finger of the left hand, has been
much disputed. The most reasonable inference, how-
ever, as to its origin, appears to be its convenience.
Macrobius, a Latin author of the fifth century, says :
" At first it was both free and usual to wear rings
on either hand ; but after having luxury increased, and
precious gems and rich insculptures added, the cus-
tom of wearing them on the right hand was trans-
lated unto the left ; for that hand being employed less,
thereby they were best preserved."
And for the same reason they wore them on the
fourth finger, for tlie thumb is too active a finger, and
is too commonly employed with either of the rest.
WEDDLN-G-GIFTS.
A chapter upon " marriage " would be utterly incom«
plete without alluding to the all important subject of
Wedding- Gifts^ which at the present time are such an
all-important part of the ceremony, or etiquette of mar-
riage. Their origin is not however of recent date, but
can be traced back to the Athenians, for the practice of
offering presents to those who are about entering into
137
an agreement " for better, for worse, for richer, for
poorer, for sickness or for health," dates back to the
period when men no longer bartered their wives for
tlieir horses ; and when mutual friends offered articles
that would go far, toward making the housekee])ing of
the newly-wedded more comfortable, than it could have
otherwise been. The Grecian historians tell us that
even in their day it had become an occasion for gorge-
ous display, and that friends vied with each other in tlie
costly munificence and elegance of their gifts; and we
read of vessels of gold and silver, precious jewels,
vases, articles of ornament, ointment boxes of pure
gold, magnificent wearing a])parel, etc., being offered,
as well as couches, tables and other household ai)pur-
tenances.
And our customs do not differ essentially from
theirs, for it was usual to display all these gifts upon
tables at the new home ; and their intrinsic value was
discussed as it now is, while the costly elegance of one
present served to exliibit the mean ugliness of another.
Doubtless, Aristides the Just lamented the degener-
acy of his age, and would have counselled better things;
but Grecian human nature did not materially differ from
that of the nineteenth century.
Thirty or forty years ago, however, one heard com-
paratively little concerning weddbig-presents, and the
Books of Etiquette of that day scarcely allude to them,
and there Avas no parade in the newspapers about them,
as Jenkinses were not then born; and one's dear five
hundred friends were not obliged to present a handsome
piece of silver, or a costly jewel-case, upon the occasion
of a friend's marriage. Fond friends would gladly offer
Bome little memento which would serve as a pleasant
138 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
reminder of the past ; while youthful companions would
rejoice to present the bride, with specimens of their
own handiwork, which would adorn her parlor, sitting-
room, or chamber.
Now, such trifling gifts are hardly considered re-
spectable by fashionable people ; yet we are sure that
there are still those in our midst who treasure up an
embroidered sofa-cushion, toilette set, or tidy, the work
of loved hands, with quite as much delight as the costly
silver urn or salver. We should appreciate the senti-
ment which enshrines the gift, and makes it costly,
rather than its value in mere dollars and cents.
As long as wedding-gifts are the spontaneous ofljr-
ing of the heart they are to be highly praised ; but when
it is considered a great bore to be, as it were, forced to
offer them; when the expense of silver, pictures, jew-
elry, etc., can be ill-afforded, then they are only a nui-
sance ; and we gladly hail the new fashion, which is rap-
idly gaining ground, among the aristocratic cii'cles of
society in the United States.
The words ^^ JSFo presents receivecV are engraved
upon the cards of invitation ; and those who receive
them are therefore relieved from the necessity of pre-
senting them. This new fasl.ion will, undoubtedly, find
many followers, and ere long only those will offer wed-
ding-gifts to bride and groom, who are bound to them
by ties of relationship, or the warm sentiment of affec-
tion; while mere acquaintances will content themselves
with sending flowers, which are always sweet, and lovely,
and acceptable.
There really is no sense in young people expectmg
that their friends should furnish their house for them,
with various luxurious appurtenances ; that they should
139
brighten their table with silver and glass; hang pic-
tures upon their walls ; place bronzes upon their mantle-
pieces ; or fill their book-cases, and portfolios with costly
books, and engravings.
And these expectations have attained to such a
height in our day, that they have set decency at naught ;
and friends have been told what articles they were ex-
pected to present. Doubtless, there is much pleasure
given, both to the expectant bride, and her family, by
the reception of the wedding-gifts; and their arrival
produces a great excitement, from the parlor to the
kitchen ; and all the intimate friends participate in the
enjoyment of receiving and unpacking the boxes. But
let us ask : —
" Is it a healthy excitement, and are all the feelings
it creates sensible, and profitable ? "
Our young friends must also remember that a day
of reckoning is in the future, when some, at least, of
these rich and expensive gifts must be returned in a
similar form.
It is undeniably, very charming to receive a costly
set of jewels from the first groomsman, but in a few
months he will marry, and then a present equally ele-
gant must be procured.
Many a husband has been forced to deeply regret the
reception of the very wedding-gifts he had deemed so
very delightful to receive; and in his secret heart hah
bitterly condemned the custom.
And truth to tell, the practice of giving wedding-
presents has become an imposition ; because not to give
them implies meanness or poverty, and few of us are
willing to subject ourselves to such implications.
CHAPTER XI.
H U8 it^NDS.- Wl VES.-llA CJl ET. O liS,- OLD MAJDfL
' To all married men be this caution,
"Which they should dtily tender as their life.
Neither to doat too much, nor doubt a vpife."
HUSBANDS.
"VVnE:N' a young man has assumed the character and
position of a husband, it is well understood that his pre-
vious connections are dissolved ; if he should wish to re-
tain his former associates, he must send them his card^
and that of liis wife, with the hour, and time of their re-
.ception days engraved upon it; and if he omits to do
this, it would be very intrusive in them to call, unless
the words, " A^o cards,''^ are appended to the notice of
his marriage in the newspapers.
And no persons liave any reason to be highly offend-
ed by being thus passed over; because the newly-wed-
ded couple have incurred additional responsibilities ; and
motives of economy alone may force them to curtail the
number of their acquaintances.
And many young men who have, after marriage re-
tained all their bachelor friends, have found too late that
they have burdened themselves, with an extensive and ill-
sorted society; and have often had reason to rue, all theii
HUSBANDS, ETC. 141
lives, their own need of foresight, and firmness, at the
iight time.
There is an ancient proverb which runs thus :
" Life may be compared to a trumpet, small at one
end and large at another.
" Those who enter at the large end find their mis-
take when too late, and the fm-ther they advance the
more they must compress themselves, until they are
forced to squeeze out at the narrow opening ; while, on
the contrary, those who go in at the small end find their
way grow wider as they journey on ; and, lastly, emerge
into the light of day with perfect ease and satisfaction."
A married man holds a very different station in so-
ciety from a single man ; and it is his duty to render his
home, as attractive and pleasant, as is possible for it to
be ; not only to his wife, but to all of her relations and
visitors.
If a dispute upon some subject arises, trifling no
doubt, and the wife does not possess sufticient good
sense to yield her opinion, and exhibits a determination
to have her own way, and that, tenaciously, do not grow
angry in your turn, but either waive the subject, or keep
silent, and thus let the discussion die out.
Doubtless an opportunity may soon occur when you
can return to the matter, if desirable, and speak kindly,
yet decidedly upon it. Then the wife, if she is worthy
of your choice, will express her sorrow at the unseemli-
ness of her demeanor ; and you will never have cause to
regret that you mastered your own temper, and by so
doing avoided a quarrel. It is well to remember the
old maxim that " a quarrel can never walk upon one leg,
without a crutch."
If you will endeavor to study your wife's happiness,
142 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
without yielding to her caprices, you will not be likely
to gain the reputation of quarrelsomeness.
Much perplexity, and even annoyance, in the mar-
riage state, arises from a want of candor.
Men conceal their business affairs, and then expect
their wives to conduct the household arrangements witn
great economy, without assigning any reason why such
should be the case.
The husband should at the commencement of his
married life tell his wife, as nearly as possible, the ex-
pected amount of his income ; and together they should
plan for its disbursement, in the most satisfactory man-
ner to both.
A certain sum should be set aside for home expenses ;
rent, fuel, taxes, insurance, and all the minor details
should be specified. The husband may take so much
for his personal expenses, and allow the wife a similar
sum ; also, setting aside a fund for contingent expenses.
When the items are all arranged with an eye to ex-
actness (and accuracy is a cardinal virtue), the sum should
be divided into monthly or weekly portions, and given
regularly into the wife's hands ; and the husband should
not interfere with her department unless asked to do so.
The internal movements of the house belong entirely
to the wife, and no good ever resulted from unnecessa-
ry interference.
Let a man keep to his own province, and assist his
wife to do the same, and the wheels of the household
will move in harmony without any jarring or rumbling.
To be sure, there are wives in this country, who are
very young and inexperienced ; and who, knowing little
cf domestic con.^ems, are most sadly to be pitied when
ihey assume the role of housekeeper. But you must try
HUSBANDS, ETO. 143
to be kind, and patient, and not become pettish, or ilL
humored at their mistakes ; and soon they will learn to
perform their new duties, with alacrity and forethought,
and perhaps even excel older, and wiser housekeepers
in the details of their appohitmcnts.
If a man has married a decided simpleton, or a spend-
thrift, he must make the best of his position ; but if a
woman of common discernment is thrown upon her own
resources, and given the purse, as well as the charge of
household affairs, she rarely fails to develop good ex-
ecutive powers. The root of evil is, in the failure on
the part of husbands to trust them, rather than upon the
part of the wives to execute their trust.
Much sorrow and heartache would be avoided if men
would conduct themselves judiciously in the commence-
ment of these new duties ; and repose all confidence in
those, to whom they have entrusted their happiness ; and
they should not either suspect, or accuse them of a de-
sire to waste their income.
And when a disposition to do right, and an endeavor
to please is exhibited, do express your approbation ; be
pleased even with trifles, and commend your wife's ef-
forts to perform her duties well. Avoid seeing small
mistakes, or at least the mention of them ; and nothing
can be more unreasonable nor unkind than, to add to the
embarrassments of her new position, by ridiculing her
deficiencies and shortcomings.
And praise her I praise your wife, man I For just
in proportion as you render her 1 appy do you increase
your own happiness. Your feelings towards her may
be kind and good enough, but unless you give them ex-
pression, how can she judge of them ?
You may re )ly that your acts show them , but words
144 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
are also needed to fill her heart with sunshine, and hap
piness.
So praise her ; but do it in a delicate way, and let hex
not be forced to believe, that there are many other men
more refined in heart than her husband.
Show her by your words, and your demeanor that
you fully appreciate her excellencies, and her attempts
to make the home pleasant.
And if you will always give her due meed of praise,
respect her rights, and regard her feelings ; and give her
the attentions she ought to receive from you, which you
covenanted and vowed to give her, at the altar, in the sight
of God, doubt not that your children will always render
her loving obedience, and be ready to anticipate her
wishes. Do not let your attentions to her cease with
the " honeymoon," but retain its sweet flavor " until
death do part." The word " honeymoon " is traceable
to a Teutonic origin. Among the Teutons metheglin
was a ftivorite beverage ; and this honeyed drink was
especially used at the marriage festivals, which were
continued, among the nobility, for one lunar month.
Thus '■^Honah Moon''^ signified the moon or moonath
of the marriage festival. Alaric the Goth is said to have
died upon his wedding night, from a too free indulgence
in this honeyed drink. But wives have rarely been
brought to the grave by an overdose of praise, or kind-
ness mingled with the daily food of their existence. Do
not be continually extolling the housekeeping of your
mother, or your sisters ; many a wife has been alienated
from her husband's famil} by this, exceedingly, injudi-
cious course ; and many kind and warm hearts have been
deeply wounded by the practice.
A woman of common sense, and politeness will al-
145
ways desire to pay especial attention to her husband's
family; and he should also be always ready to receive
ner relations cordially, and show them every attention
in his power.
Custom entitles you to be considered the " lord and
master" over your home. But don't assume the master
End foiiret the lord. And bear in mind that forbear-
ance, kindness, generosity, and integrity belong to the
lordly attributes of man.
Therefore, endeavor as a husband, to exhibit the true
nobility of man ; and try to govern your household by
practice rather than theory.
An overruling spirit, a fault-finding petulance, an im-
patience at trifling delays, and the exhibition of an ill-
temper at the least provocation, can add no laurel to
your own " lordly " brow; impart no happiness to your
home ; and exact no respect from either your subordi-
nates or equals.
It is one thing to be a master^ and quite another thing
to be a 77ia7i. Every husband should consider his wife as
the sun of his domestic circle, and endeavor to permit
no clouds, however minute, to obscure the region in
which sV.e presides.
Women, as a general rule, are complying, gentle,
kind and amiable ; and if a wife becomes perverse, cross,
and indifferent to the comforts of her home, it is usually
the fault of the husband; he has trifled with her happi-
ness, has ridiculed or scorned her efforts to please ; and
she has, unwisely, returned his behavior in kind, and hm
aided in producing the bitterness which saddens their
existence. Then the fault is mutual. And —
" He's a f >ol -who thinks by force, or slull,
To turn the current of a woman's wilL"
146 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
She has left the home of her childhood, the watch
fill cave and tender companionship of her parents and
family, has yielded up all for you, and it is your duty to
do all in your power to make her happy, and to strength-
en that union of thought, and feeling upon wliich your
temporal happiness chiefly depends ; and to fully com-
prehend, that in the solemn relationship of nuSBAXi) is
to be found the best guarantee for your honor and wel-
fare.
Consult your wife also in your business affairs. A
woman's intuitions often exceed a man's reasoning
powers, and enable her to come to conclusions whichj
if followed, will often lead the way to fortune.
One of the richest merchants of Ncav York acknowl-
edges the advantages he has received from consulting
his wife in all his operations, and taking her advice ; and
most business men will find, in their own homes, a })0W-
erful aid to their success in life.
It is a common saying with some men M^hen they
desire to escape a bad bargain, that they must consult
their wives; and we do believe that fewer bad bargains
would be made were husbands more generally to follow
this practice.
We know of ministers who always read their ser-
mons to their wives for their approval, or to receive
uggestious and alterations ; and there are many politi-
cal and literary editors, also authors, who rely upon
their wives' advice and judgment concerning their arti-
cles or books. And most of us have heard of the story
related of Dean Swift, who, having no other persons to
whom he could read his MSS.^ was in the habit of call-
ing in his woman-servant, and carefully watching her
face as he read them to her.
HUSBANDS, ETC. 147
Sir Samuel Romily says : —
" There is nothing by which I have through life mora •
profited than by the just observation, the good opinion,
and sincere, and gentle encouragement of amiable, and
sensible women."
And when men w^ill exercise as much caution, and
discretion, and good judgment in selecting their wives, as
in choosing a business partner, or even a horse, marriage
will become a different state ; and society in general be
much improved.
"The man who has a wife and children has given
hostages to fortune." He has then some objects to toil
for besides himself, and has a motive to sweeten and
dignify labor ; for every man needs kindness, sympathy,
and the endearing tenderness of loving ones to consti-
tute a home,
WIYES.
To make home ha}»py is one of the chief offices of
W'omcn ; and it is the centre of all that is sweet in the
sympathies, and dear in the affections of the soul, for
there all should be sincere, cordial, and candid.
The faults and failings of fallen humanity should be
covered l)y the mantle of charity ; and the sentiment of
the whole family should be, " With all thy faults I love
thee still."
" And oh, if those who cluster roixnd
The altar and the hearth,
Have gentle woj-ds and loving smiles.
How beautii'td is earth ! "
A sensible wife will strive to render her home as at-
tractive as possible; for the po^\ er of association is very
great, and light, air and elegance are quite important in
their efiects.
148 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE
What matters it where the table or sofa stand ? or
where that picture is hung, or how the bijouterie are dis-
played ?
Learn to gracefully give up a favorite opinion, and
yield to the obstinate will of another ; and you will not
be the loser either in this life, or in the future. Tho
largest river finds its source in a tiny stream ; and the
bitterest domestic misery has sometimes arisen from
some little, trifling diiference of opinion ; and remember
that the old proverb says :
" A pleasant, cheerful wife is as a rainbow, set in the
sky, when her husband's mind is beset with storms and
tempests ; but a dissatisfied and fretful wife, in the hour
of trouble, is like one of those fiends who are appointed
to torture lost si)irits."
And don't think that when you have obtained a hus-
band your attention to personal neatness, and deport-
ment should be relaxed. Now, in truth, is the import-
ant time for you to exliibit superior taste, and excellence
in the cultivation of your address, and the becoming ele-
gance of your appearance.
If it required some care to retain the admiration of
your lover, be sure that much more is desired to keep
yourself lovely in the eyes of your husband.
Don't prove the truth of the trite proverb that ^^Fa-
miliarity breeds contempt?^ If it were due to your lover
to always maintain a neat and ladylike aspect, how much
more is he entitled to a similar mark of respect who has
Imked all his hopes of future happiness with yours ?
And if you can manage these matters without the
appearance of studying them, so much the more attract-
ive will you become.
For there are husbands who grow impatient of the
149
daily routine of the toilette, especially, if the wife is very
slow and dilatory about it ; and it is better to be ready
dressed to meet them, when they return to dinner or
supper, and ail prepared to give them a smiling and cor-
dial welcome. A husband dislikes to return to his home
after a liard day's work, and find his wife en dkhabllley
and the house in confusion.
So make yourself sweet, and lovely ; and your sur-
roundings the same ; and let him fiud the household
ready to receive him ; and dinner or supper promptly,
and toothsomely prepared. It has been said that the
surest way to a man's heart was through the diaphragm ;
and we must agree with Peter Pindar that : —
" The turnpike road to people's hearts I find
Lies through their mouths, or I mistake mankind,'*
And we remember hearing a husband say, that he
could gauge his wife's temper by the quality of her
cooking ; good temper even influenced the seasoning of
her soup, and the lightness, and delicacy of her pastry ;
while ill-temper dashed in the pepper in a cloud, and
the salt in lumps ; and there was nothing fit to eat while
it lasted.
A sweet temper carries its password in the face — a
sweet and cheerful countenance ; and such a disposition
is like a jar of honey, which turns all that drops into it
to candied sugar, and honeyed sweetness.
It is the high ambition of most women to become
wives; and they count not the cost as to whether it will
end in weal or woe; but they venture themselves, and
their future " for better or worse."
There may be breakers ahead, and there may be
hidden rocks upon which their lives will be stranded ; or
150 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
there may be smajth water, and a fair harbor, mto which
they will come in perfect happiness.
Strife is a hidden rock, and a good pilot will en-
deavor to steer clear of it ; and wives will avoid discus-
sions, and all unseemliness of speech, and exclaim, with
Mrs. Mildmay, in " Still waters run deep " — '■^ Discussions
fly right to my head ! "
Although they need not imitate her love of command,
and great dislike to be contradicted or thwarted. The de-
sire to have the last word is also a most dangerous obstacle
to domestic peace. " Husband and wife should no more
strive for its possession than they would for a lighted
bomb-sheU. Married people must study each other's
w^eak points, as skaters look out for thin ice, and learn
to avoid them ; and should always remember that the
union of angels with women has been forbidden since
the l^lood."
Don't trust too much to your good-temper wlicn
you get into an argument, but let it drop ; one cannot
argue alone ! So learn to keep silence even when you
know that your husband is wrong; and if he is a man of
decent common-sense, he will recognize your discretion
and w^isdom.
Gentleness and sweetness of manner steal over the
S]ilrit like the music of David's harp over the passion of
SauL They soften and subdue the inner man, and maru-
fest themselves in a thousand nameless forms. They
are a crown of glory on the head of youth or age.
" Cheerfully to bear the cross in patient strength is
duty."
" And the stoutest armor of defence is that which
IS worn within the breast ; aiui the weapon which no
enemy can parry i& a bold and cheerful spirit."
151
Women are a blessing to every circle in which they
ino\ e, if they will but cultivate a cheerful, happy, blithe-
some disposition.
Domestic troubles will arise, and domestic storms
may sweep over the home, but the cheerfiii wife will
possess the power to rise above them all ; and a quiet,
meek, submissive spirit, will bring her to a safe harbor.
A good temper can he cultivated, although it is a
hard task to do so; yet a strong will cmi curb the fiery
passion which surges through the heart ; and can keep
m hand the prancing, racing, leaping coursers of anger
and fury.
There are wives, doubtless, who possess peppered
tempers, spiced with cayenne; are fiery furnaces, and
when fuel is given to them they wax hotter and hotter,
until the fire scorches, and burns with fury. But there
are no more fiery-tempered wives than there are hus-
bands, and a good-tempered husband can control a fiery-
tempered wife with ease. Being let alone, left to one-
self until the fire is reduced to ashy paleness, is the best
remedy for this disease, when it shows itself in either
sex. A good wife, however, is wisdom, courage,
strength, and endurance to a man ; while a bad one is
confusion, discomfiture, weakness, and despair.
If by chance you marry a man of a hasty temper,
you will need great wisdom and discretion to guide
you aright, and give you strength to rule your own
spirit.
But if you can learn to possess complete command
over your own temper, you will be able to decrease the
strength of your husband's temper. Govern yourself,
and then you will learn how to govern others. Let.
your conduct be refined, honorable, and free from da-
152 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
plicity ; and beware of intrusting to person , outside of
your home, the small annoyances and misunderstand-
ings between yourself and husband.
Confidants are dangerous persons, in every home
circle, and many a happy home has been rendered deso-
late by their agencies.
In all money matters act openly, and honorably.
Keep your household accounts with the greatest exact-
ness, and let your husband see that you take a decided
pride and pleasure in judiciously expending the money
he intrusts to your care. Be careful not to expend
more than is really needful, however, u}ion your own
wardrobe, unless your husban<rs resources are such
that he gives you a large allowance for tliat purpose;
and even then it is desirable to save from it, to give to
those w^hom the Saviour said —
" Ye have always with you."
Be content with such things as you can honorably
afford, and such as your husband approves of, and
never endeavor to deceive him in thought, word, or deed.
Avoid all bickerings upon trifles, and endeavor to
"keep yourself void of oflence towards God and
man."
One great source of wretchedness between manned
people is their foolish jealousy of each other's liberty.
They cannot brook the least idea of independence of
thought or action, and each in turn becomes a jailer or
state-prisoner.
Then the happiness of life is squandered in alterca-
tions about the merest trifles. One of the quaint old
English poets thus remarks upon a wife's worth, and we
hope our young lady readers will try to sit for the por
trait :
HUSBANDS, ETC. 153
•* Oh, what a treasure is a virtuous -wife.
Discreet and loving I Not one gift on earth
Makes a man's life so nighly bound to Heavea.
Bhe gives him double forces to endure.
And to enjoy, by being one with him,
Feeling his joys and griefs with equal aense.
Gold ifl right precious, but its price aHecta
With pride and avarice.
But a true wife both sense and soul deUghts,
And mixeth not her good with any iU.
Her virtues, ruling hearts, all powers comjnand;
All store without her leaves a man but poor,
And with her, poverty is exceeding st^re ;
No time is tedious with her, her true worth
flakes a true husband think his arms enfold,
(With her alone,) a complete world of gold."
OLD BACHELORS.
It has been well said that a bachelor suffers from-
nothing so much as the want of good advice, or from
not acting upon it when given.
He needs, more than anything else, some considerate
friend with discretion enough to advise him to marry;
and with influence enough to induce hlra to comply
with it; and thus learn that a man's happiness is never
so secure as when it is judiciously intrusted to a wife's
keeping.
Men and women were especially created for each
other; and no man possesses the right to defeat the in-
tentions of nature; or to iudulge his own caj^rice at the
expense of another's hap])iuess; or to live unloved, and
die unLimented.
And this idea was put into practice in ancient times;
for the Roman censors imposed fines on unmarried
men, and men of full age were forced to marry. In
S})arta, the women, on certain feast days, laid hold of the
ohl bachelors, and dragged them round their altars, and
indicted upon them various marks of infamy and dis-
154 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
grace. In England, in 1G95, a tax was laid upon all
bachelors over twenty-five years of age; and even aa
late as 1785 they were subjected to a double tax for
both their raen and women servants.
Thus they were made to feel in some degree the
obloquy of their position in society.
And if we of these later days would but impose
some social tax upon them, it would not be to their
injury.
Surely an old bachelor is a fellow who cuts himself
off from a great blessing, for fear of a trifling annoy-
ance ; and he rivals the wiseacre who secured himself
against corns by havhig his legs amputated.
In his selfish anxiety to live unencumbered, he only
subjects himself to a heavier burden ; for the passions
that apportion to each person the load he is to bear
through life, generally say to the calculating bachelor —
' As you are a single man, you can carry the heaviest
one."
And although he is ever ready to boast ^of his liberty,
doubtless he olleu sighs for the very slavery he con-
demns; and becomes the victim of selfishness, punished
foi" his folly on the solitary system; and is like a deso-
late island in the sea of self
Washington Irving, although he lived a bachelor's
life from his constancy to the lady of his early love, who
died in her youthful loveliness, says : — " I have observed
that a married man falling into misfortune is more apt
to retrieve lii-s situation in the world than a single one;
partly, because he is more stimulated to exertion by
the necessities of those who depend upon him for sub-
sistence , but chiefly, because his spirits are soothed and
refreshed by domestic < ndearments, and Ms self-respeot
ETC. 155
kept alive by finding, that although all abroad is dark-
ness and trouble, yet there is still a little world of
which he is the monarch. Whereas, a single man is apt
to run to waste and self-neglect; to fancy himself lonely
and abandoned ; and his heart to fall to ruin, like some
deserted mansion for want of inhabitants."
OLD MAIDS.
We might employ the milder term of " maiden la-
dies," but we wish to take up the cudgels in behalf of a
race who have lonsr been 8ti<]rmatized under this name.
Now old implies years, and years imply wisdom, and
neither the one nor the other are to be contemned ; and
we never could conceive why this term should be given
to unmarried women.
Words are but signs of ideas, however, and if we
conjure up l)y the phrase " old maldj^^ a vinegar-faced,
shrivelled atom of humanity —
" Who looks liie a prude, and tliinka everything rude,
And would even the sparrows from mating exclude ;
She finds so much to vex in the opposite sex,
That e'en a male's shadow her heart will perplex;
And make her declare with a dignified air,
That man is as surly, and rough as a bear — "
It will undoubtedly ap|)ear very odious and disagreeable.
But to us very ditierent associations cluster about it,
and the name seems almost sacred; for it brings to our
mind an image of patient endurance, and a continuance
in well-doing — a picture of the kind maiden aunt who is
ever ready to assist in the care of sick children, or
adults in a sister's or brother's family — ever constant in
good deeds, and ever present when there is work for
her kindly hands to do. Now caring for the sick ; now
compounding some dainty delicacy for the failing ap-
156 A MANUAL OP ETIQUETTE.
petite ; and now ready with needle, thread, and thimble,
to assist in preparing the spring, and winter ward-
robes. In short, always ready to ofler her servicea
when they are required; and always a gentle, pleading,
loving associate, and friend.
If the histories of many maiden ladies could be
written, we should read of wonderful instances of
woman's heroism, self-saci"iiice, and devotion.
In most cases their culi])acy is not to be attributed
to a dearth of ))ersonal and mental attractions, nor of
want of love ; but for the need of love from the right
person, and love such as was worthy of their accep-
tance; and ralhei' than ha bow id ^oy life to those who
were not entirely synii)athetic and congenial, they had
the fortitude to bear the undetinable stigma which
society, often most unkindly, tlirusts upon them.
The wise man tells us that —
" He that ruleth his spirit is greater than he that
taketh a city."
Truly, she that beareth this stigma, and ruleth hei
heart is greater than she that taketh a husband not
wisely.
And who can estimate the unuttered agonies, and
the protracted heart-sicknesses, from which they may
have come forth conquerors of self?
The Apostle tells us that —
" The unmarried woman careth for the things of the
Lord, that she may be holy both in mind and in spirit."
But nowhere in the Bible do we read such praise
■uonceming l)achelors.
We trust our readers will excuse this little episode
from the true purpose of our book, and feel assured
that they will do so, if they have been blessed with an
HUSBANDS, ETC. 157
Annt Elsie, Aunt Amelia, Aunt Delia, or Aunt Caro-
line, who ministered to them in their hours of childish
sickness, and was ever ready to listen to their griefs,
wipe away their tears, and share their joys.
Writing upon " Husbands and Wives " brought to
our mind the lonely " Old Bachelors " and the minis-
tering " Old Maids " of our acquaintance, and so the
spirit moved us to write concerning their merits and
demerits.
And when we read Miss Edgeworth's, Miss Marti-
neau's, Hannah More's, Joanna Baillie's, Miss Ingelow's,
and Miss Nightingale's works, not to mention those of
Miss Beecher, Miss Abigail Dodge, Miss Phelps, and
Miss Brittain, of our own land, we cannot but think
that had they been married the world might have been
a decided loser, for we are all indebted to them for
many wise and pleasant thoughts, and the agreeable
occupation of many leisure hours. And therefore we
gay, that we not only esteem, but venerate the tei'iu
" Old Maidj^ and all of its sisterhood.
CHAPTER XIL
JPOl.TTENESS ANT) PLEASING MANNERS IN CHTl.miEN
AND YOUNG J'EliSONS. — mOPER INET.U ENCES.—
CITY A.Nn COUNTRY MANN ERS. — MANNERS OP
YOUNG T.ADFES AJiROAT) OR AT WATERING PL,A.CES.
— THE NEEn OF PATIENCE.
** Be affable and courteous in youth, that you may be honored in age.
Boses that lose their colors, keep their savors ; and plucked from the stalk, are
put to the stilL Cotonea, because it boweth when the STin riseth, is sweetent
when it is oldest; and children, who in their tender years sow courtysy, ^l^*.*!
in their declining states, reap love."
NoTHTXQ can justify the want of respect so prevalent
in our midst, in the manners of children to parents ; of
the young to the aged ; and of pupils to teachers ; and
thei-e is nothhig in the whole circle of domestic relations
so pure, so honorable, and so lovely, as an affectionate,
and confidential intercourse between parents and children.
And the best kind of good manners are those which
are obtained by early training. As soon as a child can
walk and s{)eak, this species of education should com-
mence ; and when they are taught to say " Ye^ moUmn "
and " No rna'mn,^^ " Yes Sir " and " No tSiVj'' as soon
as their lisjjing tongues can form the words, they will
always be sure to possess a respectl'ul address; and if
they are also taught all the niceties of good-breeding at
the commencement of their lives, they will become, aa
it were, of a second nature to them; and need not be
put on with their fine clothes upon state occasions.
159
" Company manners^- are unknown to snch childi-en;
and it is this early training which produces ihe cliarm
of manner peculiar to high-bred persons; but the ab-
solute perfection of manner is to be seen, only when
the nature is as noble as the breeding; and politeness
has been inculcated from the eai-liest commencement of
life. Many children as they grow uj) to manhood, and
i^omanhood are forced to learn the ]"ules of politeness
as they would a lesson; and consequently they cannot
a|)pear at ease in society, but are always awkward, and
blundering.
Those, on the contrary, who have been accustomed to
politeness and good- breeding at home, are at their ease
in the most polished circles; and do not suffer from the
confusion, and embarrassment which are almost sure to
follow any la})se of the rules of eti(iuette.
There are some things which well-behaved children
will never do, and we will enumerate them : —
They will never go to the table with soiled faces, and
hands, and unkempt locks, or muddy shoes, or clothes
that require brushing or mending.
They will not eat with their knives; or leave the
table without saying to their parents, ^^ Please ex-
Cfuse meP
AVill never enter a private room, or the room of a
guest, without knocking, or any room without removing
their hat or cap.
"Will never interrupt persons when they are talking;
or overlook any one when reading or writing ; or talk,
or read aloud while others are reading.
Will always olTer their own chair, or a seat, to a
person who enters the room; and never keep a seat
when an older person is standing.
160 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
Will never push themselves forward in a crowd, and
jostle against ladies.
Never sit with their feet higher than their heads;
nor elevate them upon tables, chairs, or cushions.
Never indulge in the use of slang phrases ; or think
\t manly to be rough, rude, or unkind to their sisters.
There are boys who would jump quickly from the
easiest chair in the room, to offer it to some young lady
of their acquaintance ; but will keep it for hours in the
presence of an eider sister, or even, perhaps, a mother
or aunt.
Tliere is great need of politeness between brothers
and sisters; and its lack is the cause of much ill-feeling
and quarrelsomeness in the family circle.
They will never throw their hat, coat, or boots about
the room ; have a place for everything, and everything
in its place.
^yill never tell a falsehood, or take what is not their
own — always resj)ecting the laws of ?neutn and tutmi.
Never ridicule or mock any deformity in their young
com])anions, or laugh at their patched clothing, or their
poverty; for such breaches of pohteness are real si/is in
the sight of the Lord.
Sarcasm and ridicule are oflen made to pass current
for wit, but they are a spurious coin whose false ring
soon betrays its alloy ; and arr-^ws that are tij^ped with
such metal, often return to the marksman, and fester in
his own flesh.
An early turn for sarcastic retort should be nipped in
the bud ; for it will not endow its possessor with the gifl
of pleasing, or of keeping friends; and it often becomes
only a well-spring of bitterness and dissension.
They will never refuse to do anything that is asked,
161
or hesitate, and contest the point, making the service
an unwilling one, and therefore not acceptable or
pleasant to the receiver.
For willing service, rendered without hesitation, is
always delightsome and agreeable, to both old and
young. ■
They will never pick their teeth, or clean their finger-
nails, or blow their noses loudly, or spit, hawk, yawn, or
do any other disgusting act, in the presence of others, or
anywhere but in the privacy of their own apartments.
Will always say, " JSxcuse me, I did not mean to,''^
if they have injured any one, or broken any article.
Also when receiving any favor will say, " Tfiank you^
or declining it, " iVo, thank youP
Will always bid every one a kind " Qood-night^^
and meet every one with a cheerful " Good-morning^''
and endeavor under all circumstances to behave in a
polite, gentlemanly, or lady-like manner.
And will also be sure never to neglect their lessons ;
because it is considered a disgrace in these days for
boys and girls not to know how to read, write, and spell
correctly, and to be conversant with arithmetic, history,
etc., and to be able to tell about the wonders of the
ocean and the land ; and in short, to be well-read upon
all subjects connected with the world in which tJbey
live.
And there are also four good habits which a wise
and good man earnestly recommended to the young,
and they 2kXQi^punctuality , accuracy, steadiness, and dis-
patch. For without the first, you will surely waste not
only your own time but that of others; without the
second, you will make mistakes which will be injurious
to your own credit and interest, and that of others com-
162 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
mitted to your charge; -without the third, you cannot
perform anything correctly; and without the fourth,
you will lose many opportunities for advancement which
can never be regained.
Children must be taught to resist silly fears, and to
J)e strong in times of danger; and to feel that those of
either sex should never be a coward. There is con-
siderable affectation in the ill-founded fears of girls; and
it should be carefully repressed, and not increased by
tender and loving mammas.
PSOPER LN"FLUEKCE3.
The wise Vicar of Wakefield, in Goldsmith's in-
imitable story, says : —
"After we had saluted each other with proper
ceremony — for I always thought fit to keep up some
mechanical forms of good-breeding— without which,
freedom ever destroys friendship — we all bent in grati-
tude to that Being who gave us another day."
And we wish that this example could be followed
in every family ; for it is not conducive of happiness to
omit the courtesies of society, even in the most trivial
affairs ; and who can hope to receive blessings from the
Most High, when His protection is unsought, and the
voice of Thanksgiving is never heard in their houses ?
If we desire to make our children good, and respect-
able members of society, we must see that their asso-
ciates are among those who are good, refined, and
intelligent.
If a mother allows her children to associate chiefly,
with those of low origin and manners, she cannot think
that they will not be influenced by them.
163
Many a boy has been ruined, for both Y ere and here-
after, from being allowed to associate with the vulgar,
unrefined, and vicious men employed about his father's
premises or warehouses.
Before his parents are aware of the fact, he has
learned all that is vile and degrading in life. Can swear,
smoke, chew, and often even drink with the lowest of a
low class ; and has learned to pollute his manhood, and
degrade, and prostitute his native talents. In a word,
he has become a rowdy ^ to the heart's core, while his
doating parents are utterly oblivious of the surroundings
in which he wallows like a beast.
Now who is the most to blame for this condition of
affairs ?
Surely, the parents. A pure soul was intrusted to
their care to train it for its fitting work on earth, and
for a nobler work above ; but they have proved recreant
to their trust; have forgotten their holy duties; or have
sacrificed their son upon the altar of the desire for
riches, or the pursuits of fashion. At any rate, at their
door lies the sin. What has caused such a terrible
epidemic of crime in our midst of late? What? but the
neglect of parents to train and nurture their children in
the fear of the Lord I They have left them to hirelings;
have permitted them to soil their souls and bodies ; to
make them like whitewashed sepulchres where are
naught but dead men's bones. They are rotten to the
core, false, deceitful, treacherous; and when occasion
offers, the pistol or the bowie knife does its deadly work
upon friend or foe alike. There is indeed a strong
need of reform in the home circle; of the introduction of
a new regime of love, politeness, and good-breeding.
Surely, if we cannot induce parents as well as children to
164 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
attempt this work of reformation, this fair land of ours ia
in danger of becoming a howling wilderness.
We must keep our girls from contact with all that
is coarse and debasing; must teach them to behave
properly at home and abroad ; and not to sit and lounge
about or stand in ungainly attitudes; and read books
which serve only to inflame the passions, and not to im-
prove either mind or manners.
We must not leave them to the lowering influences
of either French, Milesian or African servants, but keep
them with ourselves; and attend personally, to both
their manners and their morals.
City girls will frequently sneer at the uncouth man-
ners of country girls ; and yet at heart, perhaps, the
latter may possess the most innate refinement and
delicacy.
Rub oiT the bloom of the grape, or the blush of the
peach, and there is nothing in art which can replace it.
So if you deprive a girl of the inborn modesty and grace
of her nature, all the refinements of art will fail to re-
store them.
CITY AND COUNTRY MAN^NERS.
Country manners are a fruitful source of ridicule
among the denizens of the city. Yet if they would com-
pare the manners they incline to ridicule, with those of
the same caste in the city, the country would most prob-
ably come off with flying colors.
" The Brahminical caste," as Dr. O. W. Holmes de-
fines it, is easily recognized in our country; and a similar
grade of city and country manners will not be found to
diflfer so materially.
The " rural districts," are proverbial for oases of
165
rudeness and ill-breeding to be sure ; but * city girls,"
when they come to the country, are not always intro-
duced into the best society to be found there, unless
they are guests at the hospitable homes of field and
forest, rather than boarders at hotels, etc.; and it is often
remarked that young ladies, who, perhaps, will behave
with the strictest propriety in the city, will do things in
the country at which they ought to blush deeply.
And although they have been taught to cultivate the
elegancies of society at home, when abroad they will
commit many acts of rudeness and impoliteness of which
a country girl, educated as well as they have been, could
not possibly be guilty.
They will say, " Oh I we're in the country, there is
nobody here to care for ; who minds what these rustics
say ? " and then deport themselves, in the streets, in a
most rude and unseemly manner. Will go into the
streets bareheaded, and talk and laugh loudly; seem-
ingly desirous of attracting all the attention of the afore-
said " rustics " whom they profess to despise. And they
apparently, have no other object for the summer months,
than to eat, sleep, and dress ; and to go to the railway
stations to exhibit their charms to the travelling public
in general. Such exhibitions of city manners are not
inclined to teach "country folks" to respect its etiquette;
but rather make them wonder if the days of politeness
and good-breeding, are utterly of the past. " Country
greeny" and " city cockney" are terms that are frequently
bandied about ; and one set will usually exhibit quite as
much knowledge of good-breeding as the other.
While educated, refined, well-bred young ladies and
gentlemen, whether of country or city rearing, will find
that they have many tastes in common, and that their
166 A MANUAL OF ETIQl/ETTB.
iJeas of society and its demands are not at variance; and
cither at home or abroad, will show to the looker-on
1 hat they are what they seem to be — courteous, kindly,
nd polite to all.
MANI^RS OF YOUKQ LADIES ABROAD, OB AT WATER-
LN^G-PLACES.
As a nation, we have always been accused of a lack
of good manners; and we are forced to acknowledge the
accusation as true, in a great degree; and also to admit
that our young ladies, in politeness to each other, are, as
a general rule, far more deficient than young gentlemen.
It may be on account of their being so much more
accustomed to receive than to give ordinary courtesies,
that they neglect to be decently civil to those they meet
while travelling abroad, or sojourning at various places
of summer resort, unless they are perfectly aware of
their high position in society, or of the wealth of theiv
papas.
And no one who has travelled from the Atlantic
shore to the Pacific slope; or who has sojourned where
ladies most do congregate, viz., at summer hotels, can
deny this statement.
The strict etiquette of society and the restraints of
conventional life should be set aside when summering
at hotels, etc., so far as to allow ladies to form chance
acquaintanceship with each other. To be sure, they
need not be under the necessity of continuing them
when at home, unless it should be their pleasure to do
so, But when ladies are thrown together in this man-
ner, it surely savors of impoliteness, and an insular re-
serve, which is anything but agreeable, if they hold
POLITENESS, ETC. 167
themselves ale of from others, excepting those of their
own peculiar S3t.
An innate kindness of heart, and true delicacy of
Bentiment would prompt a lady who possessed numer-
ous acquaintances at a hotel, to speak to those who
had none ; and yet, how often we see at Saratoga, New-
port, Cape May, and the White Mountains, sets of ladies
and gentlemen who keep themselves entirely secluded
from the company of other visitors. They eat at the
same table, sail in the same boats, drive in the same
carriages, and dance in the same quadrilles, yet make no
acquaintances among the ladies, unless there are those
present whose claims upon society transcend their own ;
but gathering into their nucleus all the promising young
men who enter their names upon the register of the
hotel. The exclusiveness of these " sets " does not add
to the general pleasure of any watering-place ; and fre-
quently, when they consider themselves " the cynosure
of neighboring eyes" they are only the target for ridi-
cule, scorn, and caricature.
" I have determined," said a lady, " when I am at a
watering-place, to speak to every respectable looking
lady who comes there. I have never felt so lonely, so
depressed, and so unhappy, as when first staying for
days at for my health, without being spoken to
by one lady in the house. Now, it is my usual summer
resort, and I look at the register every day, and if I see
the name of some woman or women without gentleman
escort, I always make the first advances towards an ac-
quaintance ; for I know there is no solitude like being
alone in a crowd."
Any pleasant remark upon the surroundings will
gerv© to commence a conversation ; and often you will
168 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
discover, that while seeming to be kindly courteous to
others, you have procured for yourself very warm friends
or desirable acquaintances.
Let us all endeavor to be courteous to our own sex
m little trifles ; and strive to offer them service, if it is
in our power to do so.
Do not stare at strange faces, and make either audi-
ble or inaudible remarks about ladies who seem to be
alone, and suffering from timidity, or a lack of ease in
society ; and instead of spreading out your dresses to
exclude strangers from a seat, as we have seen so-called
ladies (save the mark) deport themselves, let us offer
the seat cheerfully, and gracefully, and commence a
conversation with the new-comer. Young ladies should
always remember that their demeanor in public places
gives the stamp of their level in society; and take care
not to stare at young men or women — or to talk and
laugh loudly in street or rail cars, upon the piazzas, or
in the parlors of hotels to attract the attention of others.
It is allowable for young ladies to wear hats at a
public table, but it does not seem comme il faut for
them to walk bareheaded in the streets. And neither
does it add to their charms, in young men's eyes, to
have them treat their mammas with disrespect, and,
perhaps, say: "Don't mind mamma; oh dear! she
knows nothing about our society."
Deference to parents is a very becoming grace, and
also a most desirable virtue; and no young lady can be
claa in a more beautiful and attractive garment.
TH^. ]SrEED OF PATIENCE IN ALL THINGS.
Parents and teachers of the young have need of
great patience.
169
Line upon line and precept upon precept are need-
ful to form the young, wayward minds, and mould the
hearts of children and young persons.
We are told that " the heart is deceitful above all
things," but we can read the hearts of our children, if
we but strive to do so, patiently and continuously.
" Truly, we have need of j)atience," which is so impor-
tant in every phase of life. Ilillel, the wise Rabbi of an-
cient times, had been talking to his disciples upon the
virtue of patience.
Then said they : " Master give us now, as thou art
wont, an image, and similitude whereunto we may com-
pare it."
Hill el answered : " I will liken it unto the most
costly treasure which this earth begets within her
bosom — the precious stone ! Pressed down by rocks
and sand it rests within the dark lap of earth. Although
no beam of light can approach the precious jewel, yet it
shineth still in unfading beauty — a child of the heavenly
light, which it faithfully treasures up within its own
bosom !
" Thus doth it retain its splendor even in the deepest
darkness. But when it is freed from its gloomy prison-
house, and brought forth into the clear light of day,
then, enchased in gold, doth it form the badge and the
ornament of sovereignty — the ring — the sceptre — and
the crown ! "
* Is it with the chiefest ornament of earthly splen-
dor that thou comparest the stillest and most hidden
of all heavenly virtues ? " asked the disciples. " Even
so," replied Ilillel, " for its end is a crown of life ! "
Thus we must possess ourselves of "Patience,
heaven-eyed maid I " and endeavor to conform all our
170 A MANUAL OF ETIQUETTE.
actions to the laws of good-breeding and politeness,
and strive to procure the good will of all men, and pro-
voke no man's wrath ; for any man's love may be useful,
while every man's hatred is dangerous.
Many a man born in poverty and obscurity has raised
himself to wealth and honor by attending to this advice.
Civility will always beget itself; and the man or wo-
man who endeavors to exercise politeness towards, and
to feel a good will for, others, will always receive &b
much as he gives, before the end comes.
" No man," said Lord Bacon, " will be deficient in
respect towards others who knows the value of respect
to himself.
GOOD ADVICE TO EVEBYBODY.
" If wisdom's ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care: —
Of whom you speak— to whom you speak.
And how— and when— ftud where."
TES Baa
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